A Very Mary Sequel
by The Noble Platypus
Summary: [Chapter 19 up] Sequel to Mary-Sue Mockfest 2003! Celestina is up to her old tricks; this time sending OOC Legolas to Randi's university! How will she handle this unfortunate development? What will her poor roommate do?
1. Dreams

She's baa-aaack!! (cackles maniacally) Here it is, the sequel to MarySue Mockfest 2003! If you haven't read that already, you should probably do so or else you'll just be confused. If you have, sit back and enjoy! And remember the worst is ALWAYS yet to come! MUAHAHAHAA!

**Disclaimer:** I own Celestina Windbreaker, and my roomy owns herself. I also own Ed if it comes to that which I'm not sure it will.

OoOoOoOoO

Randi awoke with a start. "Fork," she hissed under her breath. She'd had that dream again, which made this the sixteenth night in a row.

"Not _again_," Her roommate, Carrie, sat up in bed. "Are you ever going to _stop_ having that dream?"

"Nightmare, more like," Randi corrected. "And God, I hope so! Just when I thought I was RID of that stupid elf, too!" She punched her pillow, which made a fwupping noise at her.

"Well, your experience was pretty traumatic," Carrie said with a shrug. She yawned and snuggled back under her covers.

"Yeah," Randi said uncertainly. She desperately wanted to believe her roomy, but at the same time... well, she had her doubts... and fears. Was it possible that Celestina was messing with her even though she was safe in her own world and the goddess was grounded? Randi found the mere thought so upsetting that she quickly shoved it out of her mind. She didn't want to barf all over her bedsheets.

Randi glanced over at Carrie, who was now obviously asleep. Laying her head back down on her fist-dented pillow, Randi shut her eyes and sighed. She would give anything to just have a NORMAL dream, without it being invaded by that stupid... stupid...

_Randi was skipping through a meadow of wildflowers. This, she thought, was more like it. Butterflies filled the air, which was so heavily perfumed that it reminded Randi of laundry detergent. Oh, well. It was still quite nice._

_"DREAM A BUT IS LIFE!" Randi bellowed as she skipped. "MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY, MERRILY STREEEEEEAMMMM!!" She spun around in a circle gleefully, the butterflies swirling around her. "THE DOWN GENTLY BOAT YOUR ROW, ROW, ROW!"_

_The butterflies continued swirling. They were so pretty... so many different colors... it made Randi want to S-I-N-G sing!_

_"Red and yellow and pink and greeeeeeen, purple and orange and bluuuuuuue! I can sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow, sing a rainbow toooooooo!!"_

_"That was lovely."_

_Randi spun around. "You!" She cried out in horror and dismay._

_"Yes, me!" Celestina Windbreaker folded her arms and glared at the young woman before her. "And I have had it up to HERE," she held a hand well over her head, "with your insolence!"_

_"You can't do anything to me," Randi said with much more confidence than she actually felt. "You're grounded! It's over!"_

_"It most certainly is NOT over," Celestina snapped, "and it won't be until I say it is! And as for being able to do anything to you, I've been screwing with you for weeks now!" Celestina sneered. "I know what your dreams have been like recently, dearie. You and that no-account boyfriend of yours having a grand old time, if you know what I mean" the goddess leered, "and suddenly that worthless mortal turns into someone more deserving of your affections." The goddess smirked, and Randi felt her stomach turn over and her face turn red._

__

"You," Randi whispered in horror. "You've been doing that to me!" She paused, then added, "You BITCH!"

"Watch your mouth," Celestina said acidly. "Honestly, such language is hardly proper!"

"Neither is messing with people's minds, but that hasn't stopped you!" Randi pointed out, feeling more and more angry with each passing second. "Now get the fork out of my head and STAY out!"

Celestina raised an eyebrow and smoothed her dress, a jarring blue, tan, and orange concoction that looked like it couldn't decide whether it was a tutu or a nightgown. "You really ought to be more polite, you know. Here I am, being decent and hospitable, and all that issues forth from your mouth is insults!"

"Hospitable?!" Randi spluttered, not believing her own ears. "DECENT?!"

"Well, naturally," Celestina gestured towards the scenery. "I had to let you into my room to be able to talk to you, and you haven't even complimented it lavishly like a good guest should!"

"I am not a guest," Randi said coldly. "I'm a prisoner! And it's just a wee bit over-the-top, wouldn't you say?" Randi paused. "Don't answer that."

"I wasn't planning on dignifying that with a response, anyway," Celestina sniffed. "We're wasting time. I didn't bring you here to argue with you about my living arrangements, I brought you here to tell you how things are!"

"And how are things?" Randi asked, folding her arms and glowering and the goddess of Mary-Sues.

"Guess," Celestina said with a smirk.

Randi took a deep breath, and then let out the longest string of insults and curses she had ever spoken before. Celestina frowned, which deepened into a scowl as Randi continued. By the time the sophomore had paused to take a breath, the goddess was looking positively ferocious.

"I don't need to listen to this!" Celestina barked, cutting Randi off. "And I don't have to explain myself, either! You'll find out all you need to know when you wake up!"

Celestina stalked off, the field dissolved into nothingness, and Randi awoke with another unpleasant start.

"Ugh," the half-awake Randi muttered, blinking in the pre-dawn light.

"Randi," Carrie said in an uncharacteristically small voice that effectively finished waking Randi up. The girl groaned at what she saw.

Carrie was holding perfectly still, one hand extended towards Randi's night table. She had clearly been reaching for her copy of _Watership Down_. But she had stopped reaching, and was looking wide-eyed towards the middle of the room where Legolas, elven Prince of Mirkwood, was pointing an arrow at her, his eyes cold and hard.

"A little help, here?" Carrie asked, her attention focused on the golden-fletched arrow aimed right between her eyes.

OoOoOoOoO

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!! So it begins! :-D

Review!

Platy


	2. Elfsitting

Chapter two! WOOT! The madness continues!

Disclaimer: I don't own LOTR. Wait (double-checks) yeah. I don't own it.

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Randi took a deep breath and spoke in as calm a tone as she could muster. "Legolas? Just what in the hell do you think you're dong?"

"She was threatening you in your sleep, my lady," Legolas said, still glaring at Carrie. "I saw her reaching for you! Eru only knows what would have happened if I was not here to defend you!"

"Legolas, that is my roomy. She wasn't trying to hurt me. From the looks of things, she was just trying to READ something."

"Roomy? I have never heard of such a creature," Legolas said, still looking suspiciously at Carrie.

"Creature?!" Carrie objected.

"She's my FRIEND, Legolas! Now put away your bow and quit being a moron!" Randi snapped impatiently. Legolas started guiltily and put the bow and arrow away. Carrie snatched her book and glared at the elf.

"Was he this bad in Middle Earth?" Randi's roomy asked, scowling at the elf.

"Oh, he was way worse," Randi assured Carrie.

Legolas looked a bit ashamed. He bowed elegantly at Carrie, who raised her eyebrows. "Forgive me. I misjudged you."

"Uh it's all good," Carrie said slowly, looking very uncomfortable.

Legolas sat on the edge of Randi's bed and attempted to take her hand in his. "Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen, I have missed you so!"

"What did he call you?" Carrie grinned at Randi, who rolled her eyes.

"Legolas, remember when I told you that my name was Randi?"

Legolas looked ashamed again. "I forgot, my lady. I am just so happy to see you again!" He made another attempt to take Randi's hand, which the girl easily thwarted.

Though Randi appeared admirably composed, her emotions were in a turmoil. She couldn't quite believe he was back. She had thought it was over, and now it had all begun anew, with the only change being the setting. Randi couldn't stand it. It was no use; she had to get away. "Carrie?"

"Yeah?" Carrie asked, grinning at Randi over the top of her book.

"I'm going to WSU to see Joey."

"Taking loverboy with you?" Carrie asked hopefully, still clearly amused.

"I was hoping that you could keep an eye on him for a while," Randi said, her voice a bit higher-pitched than normal.

"Excuse me?" Carrie watched wide-eyed as Randi slid out of bed and started pulling on her clothes. Legolas also watched wide-eyed until Carrie threw her book at the back of his head. "Perv!"

"What?" Legolas rubbed the back of his head and shot an annoyed look at Carrie. "Why did you throw that book at me?"

"Because you were eyeing my roomy, and she's taken!" Carrie folded her arms and smirked.

Randi shot Carrie a grateful look. "Please, will you keep an eye on him?"

"Oh fine," Carrie said, exasperated. "But just this ONCE, understand?"

"Sure, fine," Randi said quickly, grabbing her rollerblades and keys and running out the door. It slammed shut, and Legolas blinked, then turned to Carrie

"Where did Lady Randi go?" 

"Uh the bathroom," Carrie lied. 

*~*~*

At some point, Carrie decided that she had never been so uncomfortable in her life. Legolas was pacing around the room like a very blonde tiger in a cage, looking increasingly annoyed as the minutes passed. Finally, he walked up next to Carrie's bed, where the girl was still lounging in her PJs.

"Yes?" Carrie asked, looking up at him.

"How long does one usually take to go to the bathroom, Lady Carrie?"

"Oh, it could take days," Carrie said seriously, returning her attention to her book.

Legolas grabbed the book out of Carrie's hands ("Hey! Jerk!") and glared down at the girl. "I don't believe it. I am not a fool! She has been gone for hours, and I want to know where she is!"

"Well, now, if she wanted you to know, then you would know, wouldn't you, now?" Carrie said, snatching her book back.

Legolas frowned, momentarily confused. Then he brushed it off, settling on old, reliable, self-righteous indignation. "Tell me where she is!"

"The bathroom," Carrie said calmly.

"Don't lie to me," Legolas growled.

"Then don't ask stupid questions," the girl replied evenly.

"I want to know where she is! If you will not tell me, then I will go out and search for her myself!" 

"Go for it," Carrie said, shrugging. "I'm not stopping you."

Legolas paused uncertainly. "But the Lady Randi told you to watch me."

"Well, I'm her friend, not an indentured servant. You're getting on my nerves, and frankly, I don't much care if you leave."

"Hmph," Legolas muttered. He didn't leave, but instead starting poking through Randi's clothes. Carrie ignored him until he commented, "I didn't know Randi was an archer."

"What?" Carrie looked up and made an eeping sound. Legolas was examining one of Randi's G-strings, twanging it experimentally. "Uh dude, that isn't a bowstring."

"Isn't it? No, I suppose not, it is clipped together most strangely" he started pulling on it to see how far it would stretch. "What is it, then?"

"It's uh" Carrie searched for a plausible lie, then decided that the truth was more entertaining. "It's well, it's her underwear. You know"

Legolas looked confused for a moment, then his eyes widened in sudden understanding. "Oh," he said very quietly. As soon as Carrie wasn't looking, he discreetly stuffed it in his pocket. He continued poking around, though he now was avoiding the underwear drawer. Suddenly, he gasped in horror.

"What now?" Carrie asked, slightly annoyed. Legolas was staring at Randi's night table, his countenance paler than usual and a horrified expression on his face. Carrie followed his gaze until it rested on a photo a photo of Randi and her boyfriend, Joey, kissing. Uh oh.

"What" Legolas picked up the picture with trembling hands, "who?"

"Uh" Carrie squirmed nervously. "Wellyou see"

"Who is this?" Legolas looked over at Carrie, his eyes filling with crystal tears.

"Randi's boyfriend, Joey," Carrie said carefully.

"Friend?" Legolas repeated incredulously.

"Um well, all right that's Randi and her um lov-"

Legolas didn't wait for Carrie to finish. He threw down the picture, hefted his bow, and ran out the door. Cursing under her breath, Carrie pulled on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt, slipped on some shoes, grabbed her keys, and followed.

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Oh, boy. 

I know I have a few reviews, but ff.net won't show them to me. No worries; I'll post responses when I write chapter THREE! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

~Platy


	3. Killer spider monkeys!

(looks at reviews) O_O Whoa you guys have outdone yourselves this time, hehehe. That is a whole forking lot of reviews in a short amount of time! You all rock!

Disclaimer: I don't own stuff. I DO own Celestina, though. But if you ask me very very nicely, you may borrow her. ^_^

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Carrie burst out the door into the sunlight and looked around frantically. No sign of psycho, jealous fictional characters anywhere. He must have already headed to WSU Carrie broke into a run, trying not to succumb to the panicked thoughts rushing through her brain. He would get hit by a car, he would be arrested, he would kill Joey and kidnap Randi into the bluffs, and he was already well ahead of her, he must be

'Now, wait a minute,' a quiet, sensible voice in the back of Carrie's mind piped up. 'Let's just think for a bit, here. Does Legolas know where Randi is? No. Even if he remembers that she talked about WSU, does he know where THAT is? No. And are his senses so keen that he can track people over asphalt? Doubtful. So, where could he really be?'

Carrie slowed down to a jog, then abruptly turned around, just in time to catch a bit of blonde hair disappearing behind a tree that she had passed moments ago. Aha! Carrie shook her head and grinned. She had to hand it to the elf; despite being woefully OOC, he had still managed to be somewhat clever. 

Randi's roomy strolled back to the tree and peeked behind it. No elf. Carrie blinked, then looked up. "Why don't you come on down from there?" She called up into the foliage. There was a muffled curse, and then a somewhat-disheveled and embarrassed-looking Legolas dropped onto the ground.

Carrie smirked. "That was clever of you."

"If I had been more clever, you would not have noticed me," Legolas said ruefully. Then his expression turned slightly desperate. "Will you lead me to her? Please?"

"I'm not stupid," the girl replied, shaking her head. "You'll shoot her boyfriend, and then she'll be all upset with you."

"I would not," Legolas objected, though the knuckles on the hand gripping his bow turned white at the word "boyfriend." 

"You would so. Look, no offense or anything, but she really doesn't want to talk to you right now."

"I want to talk with her," Legolas said pleadingly. "She must be under some kind of enchantment, to be with with _him_"

Carrie sighed. "She isn't under any enchantment. Look, Legolas, she just doesn't love you" the elf's face fell, " like that," Carrie quickly amended. She didn't really want to give the elf any hope that Randi would ever reciprocate his feelings, since she was fairly positive that would never happen. Then again, she didn't want to forking destroy him, either. It wasn't his fault he was a complete, lovesick moron. "Come on, let's go back to the dorm room before you see anything worth shooting." Carrie turned and walked purposefully back towards the dorm. Legolas trailed dejectedly behind her.

*~*~*

Carrie was uncomfortable again. This time, he wasn't pacing. He was sitting on the futon staring listlessly into space. Every now and then he would heave a monstrous sigh or sniffle a little bit. Finally, Carrie slammed her book shut.

"Hey, Legolas, do you like magic?"

"What kind of magic?" Legolas asked warily.

"The television kind," Carrie said, turning on the T.V. Legolas jumped several feet off the futon and reached for his knives. "Don't you forking DARE, pretty-boy. It won't hurt you; just sit back and enjoy." She flipped through the channels, looking for something harmless. Hmm Spongebob might just frighten him better stick with National Geographic. That was educational. "Here, watch this. You just might learn something about the habits of spider monkeys."

"Spider monkeys?" Legolas repeated faintly, looking at the screen as if the monkeys might jump out and start gnawing on his ankles at any moment. 

"Spider monkeys," Carrie repeated. "Look, they can't hurt you." She rapped on the screen a few times before Legolas grabbed her and dragged her away.

"Are you mad?" He snapped, staring fearfully as the narrator droned about social grooming. "You'll anger them!"

"What, the monkeys?" Carrie laughed. "It's an illusion. They aren't actually IN the T.V." To prove her point, she strolled back up to the screen, waggled her hands, and screeched, "BOOLABOOLABOOLA!" The monkeys continued stealing sunflower seeds from tourists as it nothing had happened. 

Ten minutes later, Legolas was channel surfing merrily. He would occasionally come across a channel with cartoons or a gunfight of some kind, and would drop the remote, shriek, and hide behind the futon until Carrie changed the channel. He ended up finding "The Mists of Avalon," and watching that for some time, despite Carrie's grumbling about incest and babies with arms growing out of their heads.

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Maybe not the best place to cut off, but oh well. ^_^ Oh, and to give credit where credit is due I am saddened to say that the G-string incident was the roomy's idea but let that serve as proof to all of you that nothing I do to her or her underthings happens without her prior approval.

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Writer From Rivendell: Sporfles? That's a new one! :D Thanks so much!

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blahblah: Hehehe, glad you enjoyed it! Thanks a bunch!

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Morning Mist: Yes, I'm alive, hehehe! Yeah, Celestina is a wily one

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Tabby Kitten: Well, at the time of my posting, I only had a few. Then they started breeding. Glad you're enjoying it!

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The Weaseling Dragon: (grabs a pen and starts to write) Don't eat yellow snow. Got it! Thanks! :P

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tangerine-o's: And the plot thickens! I guess the elvish girls don't wear G-strings in ME. How strange of them. ^_^

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Phaidra: It was quite a nice room, wasn't it? And as to Randi having to explain things to her boyfriend (shifty eyes)

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Huinesoron: I don't know! I DON'T KNOW! As I said, I think they just started breeding but I'm just as astonished as everyone else who mentioned it. But thanks!

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JondyX5210: The showdown has been postponed, hehehe. And luckily, Legolas didn't get too far or Carrie didn't get too far before realizing what the elf was up to. Don't die! LIVE! Hehehe.

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Landos Star: Yep, I'm back and ready to roll! And I feel GREAT!

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CrazedElfStalker: Uh oh. Are you okay? :P Leggy is back too bad he isn't back to normal.

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Skimbleshanks, the Railway CAT: I DON'T KNOOOWWW!!! But thanks for saying I deserve them, hehe. Yeah, some of my author alerts haven't been working, either. What's up with that?!

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The Lost Guava: So many people are injuring themselves maybe I ought to post a few boring chapters nahhh ;-)

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Tashilover: Okay, I saw innuendo in The Secret Garden because it is THERE! And I will never respond to the name "online perverted reviewer," hehehe. But hey, there are MONKEYS in this chapter! WOOT!

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PineAppleLint: CAKE! WOO! It's funny, because if you were seeing a G-string for the very first time, you probably would not think that it was an article of clothing. Thanks a bundle!

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polynesia: Of course I remember you! I don't just forget people who stab me, y'know ;-) Yes, he's a very angry puppy, and then a very depressed puppy. But thanks to the wonders of technology, he is now a very occupied puppy. HUZZAH!

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levanna: Aww, thanks! I'm glad it's back, too. I had barely finished the first one and I missed it!

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Tanquessiel: Well, I never said that Ed WOULDN'T show up

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Anne Miliardo: YAY PPC! Bad Legolas, indeed. And your readers would never give up on you! They were all just waiting patiently in the wings they should come crawling out, blinking in the sunlight like cave creatures any time now

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Roseblade22: Carrie is most certainly NOT me (shifty eyes) Don't tell anyone, hehe! And Legolas won't kill Joey, and he will most likely NOT be hooking up with Carrie, since that would destroy the fic's integrity. ;-) 

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Anna: Tighten your G-string (snicker) And of course I appreciate Hugo Weaving! Who doesn't? Thanks for telling me not to stress, hehehe.

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crouching-dragon: No violence in my fics, none at all anyway, no death. Hehehe. Yeah, he is!

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AAR Rocks My Socks: Once again with the violence hehehe. Thanks!

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rice kristi: Your name rocks! Hee! I love wordplay! And thanks!

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pervyBoromirfancier: There is no such thing as a terrible reader! I love you all! (hugs!)

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Mirrowa: If I ever decide that I actually have the time to do an RPG, it will be yours! I checked it out and it looked interesting, I just don't think I'd be able to post very often on top of all the other stuff I have to do. (twitch) Stupid crazy profs

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Mireiswen: I did read your story! BUNNY! Yeah, pervy!Legolas what have I done

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dragon empress: You probably feel even sorrier for him now. Unrequited love is so tragic, muahaha! Thanks!

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Coolio02: Luckily for Legolas, the tallest building in this little town is 13 stories. It's not much compared to Minas Tirith, hehehe. Thanks a bunch!

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Nancing Nobody: Well, considering where the college is the chances of meeting Orlando are pretty damn slim. The chances of meeting ANYONE famous are pretty slim except for maybe Al Franken. 

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Evil Midget Girl: Thanks a bunch! Yeah, I just wanted to start the sequel, so I did! WOOT! Glad you like it!

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Lucki Me: Flip flops I have to make notes! Hehehe! Yeah, a Taco Bell WOULD be puzzling to the poor guy. "Why do they call it the border when it is here in the middle of town?" And Ed MIGHT make an appearance. I haven't decided yet.

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Ushmushmeifa: Glad that people are reading and enjoying it! Thanks a ton!

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Satara: Apple juice as strange as this may sound, I totally understand. 

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DiamondTook3: Joey is safe for the moment! Another crisis averted by Carrie, the wonderroomy!

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SailorKatoChan: He probably is in for it, eventually muahahahaha!

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SiriusAboutMarauders: Yay! Hehe, thanks so much! Yeah, I want to know what will happen, too probably a duel. "Do you bite your thumb at me?!"

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mIsUnDeRsToOdGnOmE: Well, it could, if you were really, really sick never mind. I don't want to think about it. WATERSHIP DOWN! WOOOOO!

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Kath: Hmmm I guess it was the cutout, but without the Elmo hands, tragically. And Ed had to borrow a pencil today in Shakespeare, so I took his soul in return so technically, I DO own him! MUAHAHAHAHHAAAA! And what do you mean, my characterization of myself? (shifty eyes) SHHHH! SOME PEOPLE DON'T KNOW! Hehehe.

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GamgeeFest: Huzzah for drabblings! Hehe, don't hurry just for me! I can wait I have enough other reading to do that I probably shouldn't be on ff.net at all oh well! So many layers to Leggy's character that I had no idea were there

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Rachel the Insane Unicorn: Hehehehe, thanks! :-P

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BurningTyger: I want that dress. Hehehe. Just practice the name a few times, and it will come back to you! Lith-ear-ee-en-en-alleluia-cara-beth-iel-awen!

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Caoimhe: Aww, why do you hate reviewing? Authors LOVE hearing from their readers, even if it is just a few lines! :-D Glad you like it!

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Natasha Woods: And to think, I never knew how insane you truly are eggses, my preciousssssssss we likes eggses

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MetalKatt: Yes, this ought to be interesting, hehehe. And Celestina IS like that but don't say it too loud, or she'll get "testy" again

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Ashley Weber: Hehehe, the roomy thinks it is all hilarious! As I said before, I run every idea by her first, and generally read her the chapters before I post them. Not this one, though but she's not in it, so it's okay! Hehehe, I'm so glad my fanfics have had a lasting impact on your life! Thanks so much!

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Lifidia: Hehehe, now there are THREE chapters! Wow! :P I love the soundtrack. Love it, love it, love it. 

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Lady Laswen: Yeah, ending it was so sad! But now you have more OOC-Leggy goodness! Woo hoo!

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Megan Sleevewillow: Carrie lives! And sadly, SHE is going to end up having to deal with him for the majority of the fic, bwahahahaha.

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Eowyn of Ithilien: I hope Ed can return, too

Well! I got more reviews than I care to count! Well, okay **50**!!! Not counting peeps who reviewed twice! I was really awed to receive that many in so short a time you guys ALL ROCK!! WOO HOO! Spider monkey documentaries for everyone!

~Platy


	4. Why Leggy and the Roomy Should Not be Le

I own nada. On with the story oh, wait! One more thing, and this is important! CARRIE IS NOT ME! I have heard that the ff.net people will delete suspected self-inserts, and I wanted to clarify that this ISN'T one, just to be safe (since, as far as I can tell, ff.net positively abounds with self-inserts). Although Carrie and I do share some personality traits like enjoying sleep. ^_^ Anyway, this chapter will help to illustrate why OOC Legolas and the roomy should never be left alone together. EVER.

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Carrie stared at the pacing elf. The TV had gone off half an hour ago, and now Legolas was staring out the window, sighing heavily. It was irritating.

"Would you mind not doing that so much?" The girl asked. "I'm actually trying to accomplish something, here." She held up her homework pointedly.

Legolas answered her question with another question that had absolutely nothing to do with anything. "When will Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen return?" 

"I don't know," Carrie said. "But what does that have to do with anything? Quit changing the subject and cheer up!" She clapped at the elf, who gave her a look that was half-startled, half-depressed.

"What do you mean? She is EVERYTHING," he said with feeling. Carrie rolled her eyes. 

"Look, elfboy, no offense but you really need to quit being an idiot."

"Idiot?" He frowned.

"Yes. Look, she's DATING someone. That means she won't be running into your arms any time soon. You really ought to just get over it. Move on. Find someone else."

"Someone else?"

"Is there an echo in here?" Carrie raised her eyebrows at the elf. 

"How could I ever find someone else?" Legolas asked incredulously. "Lady Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen-"

"RANDI," Carrie corrected.

"Lady Randi," Legolas amended impatiently, "is like the sun on the flowerbed of my heart"

Carrie burst out laughing. "Oh, god! Stop it right now! 'The sun on the flowerbed of your heart'?!"

"Is there an echo in here?" Legolas asked bitterly, folding his arms and turning pink. 

"Ooh, impressive. You DO have a sense of humor, very good." Carrie sat back, grinning. "But seriously, enough with that sappy nonsense. _I'll_ tell you how she's like the sun: she's drying you out and consuming all of your resources because you're too much of an idiot to get in the shade."

"What do you mean?" Legolas asked, sounding both sulky and slightly interested.

"I _mean_ you're never going to get her, so you might as well quit obsessing over her," Carrie replied matter-of-factly, opening _Frankenstein_ and flipping to the required reading pages. "It's bad for your mental health. Plus, if you quit lusting over her, Celestina will probably send you back to Middle Earth, where your REAL life is." 

"Celestina?" Legolas frowned. "Who is she?"

"No one," the roommate said primly, turning a page. 

There was a long pause, which Carrie found quite enjoyable. 

"I do not want to go back to Middle Earth."

"BLASPHEMY!" Carrie shrieked, then composed herself. "Why the fork not?! All your friends are there!"

"But my love is here," Legolas insisted. Carrie groaned.

"Oh, please. I don't think you know what love even is, you one-dimensional asshat."

"Care to enlighten me? Have YOU ever been in love?" Legolas asked, folding his arms. Carrie flushed; the elf had actually struck a nerve.

"Maybe I haven't," she snapped, "but I've never been mind-forked by an evil goddess, either. And I would like to think that the two things do not coincide!" 

"I am not being 'mind-forked,' as you say," Legolas protested, and Carrie laughed bitterly. 

"That's what _you_ think."

"I am in perfect control of my own mind!" Legolas said, angry now.

"If we didn't get fined for removing the screens," Carrie explained, "I would shove you out this window. Maybe the fall would knock some SENSE into you."

"I would not let you," Legolas retorted. 

"Knock some sense into you?"

"Shove me out the window." 

"I'd do it while you were sleeping."

"Elves don't sleep!"

"Well, no wonder you're acting so juvenile. Sleep deprivation. It's no laughing matter."

"Juvenile?! I'm over 2,900 years old!"

"All the more reason for you to not act like an idiot."

"I am NOT acting like an idiot!" Legolas was nearly shouting now.

"Go suck on some lembas." Carrie waved her hand dismissively. 

Legolas glared at the girl who was, to all outward appearances, completely immersed in her book. "I don't think I have ever met a human being as rude as you!"

"I don't think I've ever met an elf at all, besides you," Carrie said thoughtfully. "But if they're all like you I'll stick with people. And dogs."

"Dogs?!" Legolas cried, insulted.

"Is there an echo in here?" Carrie asked sweetly. Legolas threw up his hands and stormed over to the futon, where he sat staring at the door. 

*~*~*

Two hours later, Legolas was still sitting on the futon, staring at the door. Carrie had finished her homework for the evening (it was a Saturday night; some of it could wait), and was staring at the back of Legolas's head, timing how long it would take for him to notice and turn around. She thought it might take longer, since he was OOC and might be lacking in the usual special elven abilities. Then again, he could just be ignoring her out of spite. That required further experimentation. So Carrie started singing show tunes under her breath.

"If you've a melancholy case of the bluuuuuuues I've got a remedy for yoouuuuuu BA DA DA DAAA DAAA," she was also, incidentally, singing the instrumental bits. "If you've an ounce of rhythm doooown in your shoes then I'll change your poooint offf viiieeewww BA DA BA DA BADA BADABAH! If you've been singing a sad and blue song, goooo into your dance TICKA TICK TICK TICK TICKA TICK TICK TICK!" She was also, incidentally, chanting the tap dance rhythms. She figured Legolas might as well get the full experience. "Until you've learned how to sing a new song, goooo into your dance TICKA TICK TICK TICK! Don't be complaaaaaainiiiiiiiiin'-"

"Will you please stop that?" Legolas asked wearily. Carrie cackled. 

"I just thought you needed some cheering up," she said innocently. 

"I don't," Legolas said, not turning around.

Carrie bit back a smirk as she leaned forward and did her best Dory impression. "Hey there Mr. Grumpy Gills"

"QUIET!" Legolas snapped, whirling around. He looked dangerously angry.

"It's a free country," Carrie retorted. She knew she was being immature, but she was having way too much fun irritating the OOC elf to do anything about it. "You know," she added after a short pause, "Lady Randi probably will not be returning tonight."

"You said you didn't know when she was coming back," he said slowly.

"Well, I know when she's NOT coming back." 

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Legolas scowled.

"I didn't want you storming off to try and find her again," Carrie explained simply. "Plus, I didn't expect you to keep a frickin' vigil on the futon, there." She looked Legolas over and sighed. "You really are a wee bit pathetic, you know. This kind of obsession is really unhealthy."

"It's not an obsession."

"It's looooove?" Carrie grinned. "Do you even KNOW her? I don't think you do."

"I know her well enough," Legolas grumbled, folding his arms.

"Trailing after someone like a lovesick puppy for a few months is not the same as getting to know them. If you knew her at all, you'd know she's totally head-over-heels for the guy she's with, and is honestly kind of irritated by your constant, stubborn advances." Sarcasm hadn't worked, so Carrie was trying brutal honesty.

"That's not true!" Legolas said, looking horrified. 

"Except it is," Carrie said flatly. "Look, you're not really yourself right now. Maybe if you I dunno, try and get over it you'll be normal again."

"Who are you to judge whether I'm normal or not?" Legolas asked hotly, rising to his feet and glaring down at Carrie. "You've known me for less than a day, and you have spent most of that time either ignoring me or trying to make me angry!"

"So I've only seen your bad side." Carrie looked up at him mildly and cocked her head slightly to one side.

"Yes!"

"You _have_ a good side?"

"Of course I do!"

"I've yet to see it."

"You've been IMPOSSIBLE!"

"And you've been very hot-headed for an elf."

"You've been goading me on purpose!"

"And you've been cooperating beautifully."

Legolas sputtered at Carrie for a minute, then folded his arms again. "Fine. I will try not to be so _impatient_ with you."

"That's the spirit!" Carrie said with a grin. "Now we can play fun, getting-to-know-you games!" She bounced excitedly on the bed for a minute, then composed herself. "Okay, truth or dare?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Next chapter ought to be interesting

Due to the overwhelming and frankly unexpected reviewer turnout for this fic, I'm not going to do individual responses this time. I figured it would be better to just get this chapter out there sooner instead of sitting on it because I'm too intimidated to sift through the reviews. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate every single on of them, and every single on of you out there reading this! I LOVE YOU ALL! And if I'm not crazy busy, I'll try and respond individually next chapter. Thank you all SO MUCH for your overwhelming support for this sequel! It really means a lot! I'm just crazy busy right now midterms ugh.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter! It's longer!

~Platy


	5. Truth or Dare and Revelations

I'm updating AGAIN! It's like I'm taking CRAZY PILLS! And I own nothing.

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"What?" Legolas looked puzzled.

"Truth or dare!" Carrie chirped, grinning from ear to ear. "Ok, here's how it works. I say 'truth or dare,' and you have to pick one. If you pick truth, than you have to answer any question I ask truthfully. If you pick dare, you have to do whatever I dare you to do. Then, once you've answered the question or done the dare, you get to ask ME truth or dare! Get it?"

"Why are we doing this?" Legolas asked, puzzled.

"You know, you could conceivably ask me questions about Randi."

Legolas digested this. "I'll play."

"Great!" Carrie grinned. "Okay, truth or dare?"

Legolas thought for a minute. "Truth."

"Okay" Carrie pursed her lips in thought. "You're over 2,900 years old, right?"

"Correct. Truth or dare?"

"I wasn't finished!" Carrie protested, aghast.

"You asked a question and I answered it. Truth or dare?" Legolas raised an eyebrow.

"You little bitch," Carrie grumbled. "Fine. Truth."

"How long has Randi been with _him_?" Legolas scowled at the picture on her night table.

"Over a year."

"She was with him while she was in Middle Earth?" Legolas' jaw dropped.

"Truth or dare," Carrie said.

"Truth."

"IF you are over 2,900 years old, why in the heck aren't you married already? How long could it possibly take to find a decent girl in Middle Earth?"

"I am not married because I did not wish to be before I met Lith- Randi." Legolas shrugged. Carrie rolled her eyes. "Truth or dare?"

"Truth."

Legolas thought. "Do you truly know where they are right now?"

"I have a good idea. Truth or dare?"

"Dare," Legolas said boldly.

Carrie grinned nastily; she had been waiting for this. "Turn out your pockets, Greenleaf."

Legolas shrugged casually and reached into his pockets. His eyes widened almost imperceptibly, and he quickly drew his hands back out. "They're empty."

Carrie's eyes twinkled as she tried to fight back a smirk and failed. "I said, turn them out."

"And I said, they're empty."

"And you chose dare, so you have to do it! Now I want to see them turned inside out. Or do you want ME to check them?"

Legolas scowled at her, then reluctantly turned out his pockets. Randi's purloined G-string landed on the carpet. He stared defiantly at Carrie, cheeks bright pink. "Truth or dare?" He asked in a voice that only shook very slightly.

"You sick, sick fork," Carrie said slowly, staring at the G-string. "All right. Dare."

Legolas's eyes flashed triumphantly. "Take me to see Lady Randi, now."

"Oh crap," Carrie muttered under her breath, horrified. "Uh I'd rather not."

"You chose dare. You have to take me to her, and you have to do it now," Legolas said, smiling smugly. "Those are the rules, are they not?"

"I forking hate you," Carrie informed the elf, standing up. "Fine. But you have to wait outside while I go in to get her. I won't have you attacking her boyfriend."

"Fair enough," Legolas stood as well. 

"And you have to leave your weapons here." 

"All of them?" Legolas frowned.

"All of them," Carrie insisted sternly. "You're going to see some things that you aren't going to understand, and I'm not going to have you attacking fire hydrants! People will think you're a loony! Besides, if you don't act like a complete idiot, no one will hurt you."

"I won't attack anyone or anything," Legolas promised. 

"Good. Now, follow me, and don't say anything." Carrie grabbed her keys and exited the dorm, Legolas in tow. 

At this point it was about 7:00 in the evening, and the sun had set some time ago. The roomy zipped her coat up and jammed on her hat to ward off the evening chill and started walking across campus towards the highway. Legolas kept fairly close behind her, occasionally shooting wondering or horrified glances at buildings. They reached the road, and Legolas saw his very first car, which was quickly followed by his second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, and seventh cars in rapid succession.

"What are they?" He asked, reaching instinctively for his weapons and grasping empty air.

"They are kind of like modern-day horses," Carrie explained, heading down the sidewalk. "We use them for transportation. Just stick close to me and none of them will hurt you. This way."

Carrie proceeded to lead Legolas towards the other college campus. It was a several mile walk, but walking made the cold more bearable. Plus, though she wasn't about to admit it, she had no intention of actually leading Legolas _to_ Randi. In fact, her plan was to just walk into a random building, go up and down the stairs a few times, and then tell Leggy that Randi was otherwise "occupied" and couldn't see anyone right now. That, she figured, would end the issue for the night, and as long as she never chose dare again, the situation would most likely never arise again! Problem solved!

They didn't pass many pedestrians, which was good since Legolas had a tendency to stiffen suspiciously and grope for his absent weapons whenever one brushed past. "Fergodsake," Carrie snapped the third time it happened, "they're just WALKING! Quit reaching for your weapons; you look like you have some sort of disease."

"Sorry," Legolas said distractedly, glaring daggers at a gas station attendant who had stepped out for a cigarette and was watching them pass. "He looks like he's up to no good"

"Well, just assume that they're all saints unless they actually attack us, all right?" Carrie snapped. Legolas nodded stiffly, still glaring at passerby. A teenage girl looked up at Legolas and raised an eyebrow, impressed.

"Hey there, big guy," she said as she walked past. Legolas stopped dead in his tracks and glared at the girl. 

"I am most certainly not a _man_," Legolas cried, clearly insulted. The girl's eyes widened in surprise and disbelief.

"Oh! Uh, sorry, ma'am." She hurried off, face red. Carrie exploded with laughter.

"Dude that was _awesome_," she giggled, wiping her eyes.

"She insinuated that I was a human!" Legolas said, still angry.

"Yeah, and then you insinuated that you were a _woman_, idiot!" Carrie cracked up again. "That poor girl was so embarrassed! Hehehehehe"

"I don't I don't look like a woman. Why would she think that?" Legolas frowned at the rapidly retreating girl's back.

"Well, you do have the whole long blonde hair thing going on," Carrie said with a shrug. "And you did say that you weren't a man."

"I'm an ELF!"

"Oh, and she's supposed to just guess that?" Carrie rolled her eyes, then grinned. "Oh, good, we're here." She nodded at a building labeled as part of the University. "You wait out here, and don't talk to anyone. I'll be back shortly." Legolas nodded and positioned himself against a wall, probably so that no one could sneak up on him from behind. Carrie pushed her way through the door, located a staircase, and climbed until she judged that she was out of Legolas's sight and hearing. Then she sat down in the middle of a step and slowly counted out three minutes. As soon as she was finished, she headed back down the stairs and out the door.

Legolas had straightened up hopefully, but slumped when he saw that it was only the roomy. "Where is she?"

"Well," Carrie said slowly, "she can't come out right now."

"Why not? Did you tell her I was here?" Legolas put his hands on Carrie's shoulders and looked desperately into her eyes, which she immediately squinched shut.

"Personal space! You're in my bubble!" Legolas sighed impatiently and backed up a pace. Carrie opened her eyes and continued. "I didn't actually talk to her, per se."

"Why not?!" Legolas demanded. 

"Well she was busy."

"Busy?!"

Carrie resisted the urge to ask if there was an echo in here. "Yeah. You know." She raised her eyebrows suggestively, and was rewarded with a frustrated stare from the elf. "They were uh well it's like the birds and the bees and stuff." She looked at Legolas, willing him to understand.

"What are you saying?" He asked slowly. Carrie sighed.

"They're a bit occupied in the bedroom, if you follow me."

Legolas's expressions went through a somewhat comical series of transformations. There was confusion, then suspicion, then understanding, then unadulterated horror. "They they _are_?" he managed to choke out.

"Um" Carrie was starting to regret choosing this particular lie. She hadn't expected such a reaction. "Well, ye-es." She stepped back in shock as Legolas fell to his knees, moaning. "Um damn are you all right?"

"No," he managed after a long pause, staring at the ground in front of him. "No, I am not." He looked up at Carrie, tears welling in his eyes. "Why didn't you tell me they were bound to each other?" He asked in a pained whisper. 

"Well, you didn't really ask," Carrie said slowly. Note to self, she thought, elves equate sex with marriage I'll have to remember that next time. Eesh. Meanwhile, Legolas was weeping in the middle of town, all but lying on the snow-covered ground. Awkward. She looked around. There were no other people nearby at the moment, but some could show up at any minute. Plus, she was cold and wanted to go back to her bed. Plus, her nature wouldn't allow her to just watch him cry. So she cautiously walked up to him, knelt down, and hugged him. He sobbed into her shoulder as she patted his back, frankly terrified. "It's okay, elfboy," she said gently. "Let it all well, let some of it out here, and then you can let the rest of it out where strangers won't stare at you." Right on cue, a pedestrian walking a sweater-sporting dachshund slowed down as he passed, giving them a confused look. Carrie made a hideous face at him and flicked him off; he hurried along.

After a few minutes, Legolas was able to put aside his grief long enough to realize what he was doing. He stopped crying abruptly and pulled back, wiping his face and looking embarrassed. Carrie shrugged off his apology; she was intensely relieved that he had finally stopped. 

"Come on," she said with a smile. "This calls for hot chocolate!"

"Chocolate?" Legolas looked confused.

"You _don't know_ what chocolate is?!" Carrie's jaw dropped. "Dude, you haven't _lived_"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* 

Mwahahahaha. Ahem. I have a question for you all. As of right now, this li'l ficcy is getting a large amount of reviews in a very short time. One of the things that I pride myself on is my stubborn insistence on responding to every single one of you. However, updates would come much faster if I didn't do them, since the responses generally take at least twice as long as the chapters do. So my question is: would you rather have updates more often, with no reviewer responses (I will continue to do them for my other fics, since they do not generate as much of a response as this one), or less often with the reviewer responses? Maybe I could do a big reviewer thing at the end, like the pith helmet ceremony from BGOTWSP. Or I could allow reviewers to help me do my disclaimers, like Minty did this time. I WOULD definitely acknowledge you all at SOME point. I also will try to make the chapters longer in general when I don't do the responses, to make up for it. Let me know what you think! Thanks!

~Platy & co. 


	6. Alcohol is Bad

I own nothing. Wheee

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It took Carrie and Legolas considerably longer to return to campus than it had taken to leave it, mostly due to the fact that Legolas was dragging his feet and sniffling the whole way. There were several moments when Carrie came precariously close to slipping from the world of sympathy to the land of irritation, but she kept herself from snapping at him. He may have been OOC, but it didn't seem to make his grief any less genuine. 

Carrie plunked a mug into her microwave and started heating the water, sending slightly nervous glances in Legolas's direction. She was starting to regret her decision even further. Even though it had ultimately led to the truth, in a way, it also opened a whole new can of worms. Was Legolas going to suddenly snap out of it? Was he going to waste away and die of grief? Would Celestina take him away and replace him with something worse? 

Carrie shook her head, dispelling her concerns. Right now, there was an elf to cheer up! She took the now hot water out of the microwave, mixed in the hot chocolate mix (which included those teeny-tiny marshmallows), and then handed it to him. Legolas raised an eyebrow at her and took a tentative sip. Then he raised both eyebrows at her. 

"Good, isn't it?" Carrie said smugly, and he nodded slowly, taking another sip. Carrie figured the drink might help loosen him up a bit or distract him at the very least. Either way, he wouldn't be such a stick-in-the-mud. While Legolas slurped with increasing enthusiasm at the beverage, Carrie grabbed her PJs and went to the bathroom to change. When she came back a few minutes later, the empty mug was in the sink, and Legolas was drinking straight out of a bottle of Everclear.

"HEY!" Carrie ran over to the futon and tried to wrestle the bottle away from the elf. Unfortunately, when an elf doesn't want to let go of something, it is very difficult to change their mind or get it away. "You can't have this," Carrie grunted as she tugged, "because it's not yours!"

"But I _want_ it," Legolas whined, tightening his death grip on the bottle. 

"It's not yours!"

"I don't care!"

"Where did you even FIND it?!" Carrie asked, halting her efforts for a moment. Legolas pointed under Randi's bed. "You know what? I don't want to know what all is under there. But you CAN'T - HAVE - THIS!" 

"Mine!" Legolas insisted petulantly, frowning.

"I don't want to have to deal with a smashed elf," Carrie frowned back. 

"Smashed?"

"Intoxicated."

"I won't become drunk," Legolas insisted, raising his eyebrows loftily. "Elves have much more superior constitutions than mere men."

Carrie was about to comment on the strength of Everclear, but decided against it. The elf would learn a lesson, maybe become less condescending, and also provide free entertainment. So the girl swallowed her argument and shrugged. "Well, if you're sure"

"I'm positive," Legolas said.

Half an hour later, the bottle was nearly empty and the elf was nearly incoherent. 

"You know," Legolas slurred from the futon, "you humans really can be a bit fulluvyerselves you think your alcohol is sooooooo strong" he hiccupped.

"Yeah, we're so self-absorbed," Carrie agreed, sipping a Cherry Coke, entirely sober. 

"Yes," Legolas nodded firmly. "Like you just" his eyes started to tear. "You just lead people on for months and months" he waved his bottle expressively. 

"Okay," Carrie said soothingly, taking the bottle away. Legolas made a few feeble grabs for it, then gave up. "I think you've had enough for now."

Legolas pouted, then giggled. "You know what's funny?"

"What?" Carrie asked.

The elf thought for a moment. "Nothing!" His eyes started to tear again. "Nothing is funny! Nothing!" Carrie raised her eyebrows. The potent combination of alcohol and OOCness was wreaking havoc on the poor elf's emotions. However, she felt a sort of morbid fascination towards him, the kind she generally reserved for car accidents or natural disasters. She couldn't help it; there was just something terribly entertaining about the whole thing. She stuffed the bottle back into the recesses beneath the roomy's bed, then sat down on the floor next to the futon. 

"Did she lead you on?" Carrie asked simply.

"Yes!" Legolas nodded once or twice, then groaned and clutched his head in his hands. 

"Are you sure about that?" the girl pressed curiously.

"Well" Legolas gingerly lowered his hands, his brow furrowed in woozy concentration. "Well, she well" he blinked a few times. "I don't quite remember right now," he finished. "But," he added as an afterthought, "I wuddenna spent so much time trying to win her heart if she didn't give me some sortasign that she liked me back."

"You're _sure_ about that?" 

"Well no" a few tears spilled over. "I loved her so much!" He buried his face in his hands. "And I thought that maybe maybe if I was really nice to her, she might grow to feel th' same way" 

Carrie rolled her eyes (which Legolas didn't see, since his own eyes were covered), sighed (which Legolas didn't hear, since he was too busy sobbing), and then scooted up onto the futon next to him. She patted his shoulder, and abruptly found herself with an armful of wasted, miserable, elven royalty. 

"Uh" Carrie's eyes widened as Legolas cried into her stomach. Fortunately, the elf stopped crying a few moments later. Unfortunately, it was because he had fallen asleep with his head in her lap. After a few moments of sitting frozen in an attitude of shock, Carrie gingerly tried to inch out from underneath him. He whimpered and wrapped his arms around her waist, making her squeak. "What am I, a giant sentient teddy bear?!" Carrie muttered under her breath. 

"Nyup, nyup," Legolas responded, his features relaxing slightly.

"Oohhhh kaaayyy" Carrie murmured, gently trying to disengage his arms. The elf frowned in his sleep and tightened his grip. She glared down at him. This was just stupid. 

Randi chose that precise minute to walk back in the door. She looked at Legolas and Carrie, and slowly raised an eyebrow.

"It's about time!" Carrie growled. "He finished off your Everclear all by himself, and now he's passed out and he won't let _go_ of me!"

Randi smirked, setting down her bag and rollerblades. "What a Kodac moment. Mind if I take a picture?"

"Yes, I mind! You should be on your knees _thanking_ me, not mocking me!"

"Oh, I only left him alone with you for a day," Randi said, rolling her eyes. _"I_ was stuck with him for months!"

"Not just for babysitting," Carrie hissed back. "Thanks to a little white lie on my part, he's given up on you!"

Randi's eyes widened, and a delighted grin slowly spread across her face. "Shut up!" she bounced. "Are you serious?! What did you tell him?"

"That you and Joey were getting it on," Carrie replied, sighing. "It turns out that elves equate sex with marriage. You're off-limits, as far as he's concerned. And he's very depressed about it, just to warn you."

"Well, if you've really gotten him to give up on me, I guess I'll help you out," Randi said. Even with her help, it took them several minutes to get Legolas to let go. They ended up having to use a real teddy bear as a decoy Carrie to get him to let go of her. Carrie stood up gratefully and smoothed her clothing. 

"I'm probably going to have bruises," she mourned, prodding her belly. "And Celestina is probably going to do something unspeakable, now."

"Hey, it might take her a while since she's grounded," Randi pointed out. "We could have WEEKS of not-in-love-with-me-Leggy!" She looked at Carrie and grinned nastily. "Well, not in love with ME"

"Don't you DARE," Carrie said, eyes widening. "If he starts hitting on me, I'm telling him that I lied!" The girl shuddered. "I don't have to want to deal with that."

"Damn right you don't," Randi agreed with feeling. "Well, we'll see what happens." 

*~*~*

Carrie was alseep and dreaming. She looked around at the field full of wildflowers and butterflies and raised her eyebrows. "Good thing I don't have allergies," she commented to no one in particular. "Damn." She waved her hand in front of her place as a large purple butterfly bounced off of her nose. 

"Hello," a familiar, regal voice said smoothly. Carrie whirled around in surprise and gasped.

"Celestina Windbreaker!" The girl burst out laughing. "That's still such a great name"

"Oh, quiet!" The goddess snapped. "I need to discuss something with you. Have a seat." She gestured behind the girl, and Carrie turned to see a large rock exactly the shape of a La-Z-Boy recliner chair and covered with thick pink moss. Carrie raised an eyebrow, then sat down. The moss gave out the faint scent of bubblegum. 

"All right, fartmaster, what do you want with me?" Carrie folded her hands and smiled pleasantly as Celestina fumed.

"You've greatly complicated my task with your 'little white lie,'" Celestina commented sourly. "And, as you _roommate_ suggested," she spit out the word 'roommate' as if it tasted foul, "there is, lamentably, a good chance that the elf will attach himself to you instead." She rolled her eyes. "The downside to the Legolas I created is that he can't function if he isn't hopelessly in love with someone. If I had more time, I'd properly remedy the situation but, thanks to your _roommate_, I'm cutting it close as it is. I'll get right to the point. Since you are the one who has mucked things up so abominably, I'm going to give you an option. You can aid me in getting the elf and your _roommate_ together."

"No WAY!" Carrie frowned and folded her arms. "I'm not going to _help_ you torture my roomy! I have morals, lady!"

"Are you positive? Think carefully now," Celestina spoke as if every word was a caramel hershey's kiss, to be relished.

"I'm pretty damn sure, yeah," Carrie replied belligerently. 

"Then you leave me with no choice," Celestina sighed and raised her arms. "Mother better not catch me" was the last thing Carrie heard before she disappeared in a *POOF* of cotton-candy blue smoke.

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All right some brief explanations. I feel bad because I promised quicker updates and then immediately didn't update for like a month, but there is a good reason for this. Trot on over to my bio if you haven't recently. You may notice that certain things are GONE. Specifically, Club of the Ring, Croc Huntah of the Caribbean, and BGOTWSP. The good people at ff.net (cough hack) removed Club of the Ring because of the format in which it was written, which is apparently "chat" format. The same style in which my disclaimer is written. When I realized that was the problem, I removed Bad Guys and Croc Huntah of my own accord to avoid further trouble. These fics aren't gone forever, however. See my bio for further details. 

Anyway, the reason that I haven't updated sooner is because a, they froze my account, and b, I was disgruntled. I also was involved in a short scene for someone's directing class, and we met for four hours a day the past two weekends, which effectively sapped my free time. 

If you miss Bad Guys, drop me a line and I can e-mail it to you. It might take me a while, however, since I am going through and adding bold and italics to make it easier to read, and so far it's nearly 100 pages long without any reviewer responses or, I'm sorry to say, those little Croc Huntah skits at the end. The pith helmet ceremony did get saved, however. I was frantically copy-pasting, convinced that it would disappear at any moment, which is why the reviewer responses got left out. 

Anyway, the practices for the scene are over, so I should be able to update a bit more regularly I'll try to update at least once a week, if not more often. Thanks for being so patient!

And in case you didn't figure it out already, the response was overwhelmingly for faster updates (ha, ha :P) and no responses, so that's the new plan. Thanks again! I love you all!

~Platy


	7. Platy Pulls a Fast One! Bwaha!

I own nothing.

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Carrie opened her eyes hesitantly, not entirely sure whether she wanted to know where she was or not. She started with her left eye. Stars. All right. She opened her right eye. More stars. But, she realized with a frown, they were a bit brighter than they had ever been at home and the air had an impossibly clean, fresh smell wait, check that. Something _reeked_. Carrie wrinkled her nose, sat up, and immediately hissed a very rude word under her breath.

Her feet were bare. And large. And hairy. She was wearing a simple cotton dress, _a dress!_ She wrinkled her nose in further disgust. Around her neck was one of those gray cloaks the fellowship had received. It itched. She reached up to tug at it and noticed that her hands were bound. Peachy, she thought, looking around. To her right was a large group of arguing Uruk-hai. To her left oh, God

"Daisy!" Merry and Pippin grinned at her and started crawling over to her side.

"Who the fork oh, you mean me. I'm Daisy." Carrie nodded slowly. "At least it's not Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen. I can't believe she made me a forking hobbit Sue this sucks I wonder if Legolas is back as well?"

"Who is Litheriwhatever?" Pippin asked, perplexed.

"What's a Sue?" Merry wondered.

"Who's Legolas?" they both asked in unison.

Carrie's eyes bulged. "Legolas! You know, the elf!"

"Elf?" Pippin looked adorably confused.

"Maybe she means Elrond," Merry suggested.

"I don't mean Elrond! I mean Legolas! The only elf in the fellowship!" Carrie cried, aghast.

"Daisy," Merry said slowly, "there _is_ no elf in the fellowship."

"Yeah, that would make _ten_ of us!" Pippin snorted. "Don't be silly!"

"Did the Uruk-hai hit you?" Merry asked, eyes darkening with concern. "Let me check" He started inspecting the back of her head, gently running his hands through her much-longer-and-curlier-than-usual hair.

"Hey!" Pippin looked annoyed. "Stop that!"

"Yeah, you're in my bubble," Carrie said, scooting away. Merry glared at Pippin, who grinned smugly.

"You see, Merry? She doesn't appreciate your advances!" He looked like he wanted to fold his arms, but his hands were bound, so he just sort of flapped them a bit.

"Shut up, Pippin," Merry growled.

"Whoa" Carrie scooted farther away from both of them. "Hold the phone! Just just whoa!" She held up her hands defensively. "No just what?!" She lowered her hands and looked completely baffled. Merry and Pippin exchanged a glance.

"Phone?" Pippin looked confused again.

"They must have hit her awfully hard," Merry said, frowning. "Are you all right, Daisy?"

"No," Carrie said calmly. "No, I'm not not if this is what I think it is"

"Do you think we've been captured by a group of Uruk-Hai? Because that's what happened," Pippin said helpfully.

"You!" Carrie pointed at Pippin. "You! Stop being an idiot!"

"What?" The Took scratched his head awkwardly.

"You heard her, Pip!" Merry said victoriously. "She thinks you're an idiot!"

Pippin looked as if he'd been punched in the stomach. His eyes started to tear as he turned to Carrie. "Daisy, is that true?"

"Yes! Well..." Carrie felt a stab of guilt. "No, not really. Jeez, don't cry; I've had to deal with enough of that already. And YOU," she pointed to Merry, "YOU'RE supposed to be his FRIEND! What's the big idea?!" Carrie blinked. She realized that she had just spoken in a Yorkshire accent. Had that been happening the whole time?! "The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain," she said experimentally, then clutched at her throat and hacked. Merry and Pippin started in alarm. "Accent!" Carrie yelped between coughs, thumping her breastbone with her palm as if she could force it out of her. "Accent! Won't go away" 

"Daisy, stop!" Merry cried. "You'll hurt yourself!" He seal-flopped over to where Carrie was sitting and grabbed her hands in his own. 

"Hey!" Pippin started wriggling over as quickly as he could. "Don't _do_ that!"

"Waugh!" Carrie jerked her hands away and started scooting away rapidly. Merry followed her and Pippin followed him, like a demented hobbit bondage train. This might have continued for quite some time, but one of the orcs noticed the activity and blew the whistle.

"'Ey! Look, they're tryin' to escape!"

"Not from _you_," Carrie said to the orc in exasperation, "from _these_ two!" But her protests went unheeded, and all three were hoisted to their feet by their cloaks. 

"Let her go!" Pippin kicked violently. "Don't hurt her!"

"If you lay one hand on her," Merry blazed, not to be outdone, "so help me, I'll-"

"You'll what?" the Uruk-hai who had Carrie sneered. Pippin ceased his kicking as Merry's eyes filled with tears of frustration. Carrie almost wanted to laugh. She considered herself a bit of a hobbit fancier, maybe even a pervy one, but this was just ridiculous. She looked up at the Uruk-hai who was holding her.

"Hi, there," she said pleasantly. The Uruk shook her lightly, and the two hobbits began thrashing again. 

"You'll speak when spoken to," the Uruk-hai growled.

"Dude, you totally stole that from Pirates of the Caribbean."

"Quiet, you little maggot!" he shook her again. Merry and Pippin started cursing while they struggled.

"But you just spoke to me!" Carrie objected, looking up at her captor.

"Don't call her that!" Merry shouted.

"She's not a maggot! You're _not_, Daisy!" Pippin added fervently, as if Carrie really needed the reassurance that she was a person and not a grub.

Merry and Pippin were cuffed into submission. She winced. "Just stop struggling, you two, I'm all right," she said. They actually listened, and the orcs quit hitting them. Well, that was progress. Since the two of them didn't look like they were about to do anything wise or canon anytime soon, she turned back to the Uruk-hai who was still pondering the last thing she had said. "You really ought to treat us a bit less roughly, you know. Your boss will be angry if it gets spoiled in any way." She raised her eyebrows significantly. The orc on speed looked down at her, recognition slowly growing in his eyes. He let go of her, and the other two holding Merry and Pippin followed suit. The two hobbits immediately rushed up to her.

"Are you all right?" Pippin asked, touching her arm with his hands. Carrie backed away from him and straight into Merry, who looked as if he had enjoyed it.

"I'm fine," she assured them, backing away from both of them. "Really. No need for you to touch me." 

"Are you sure?" Merry asked.

"I'm positive!" Carrie replied immediately. Before either of the two hobbits could do or say anything further, one of the Uruk-hai commented that he was starving. Carrie could have thanked him for the subject shift. 

"Yeah," whined the orc with the nasal voice, "why can't we have some meat?" He looked at Merry, Pippin, and Carrie; the former two moving protectively in front of the latter. "What about them? They're fresh!"

"Actually," Carrie piped up, "I'm two days past my expiration date."

*~*~*

Legolas woke up the next morning and immediately wished that he hadn't. His head was throbbing unpleasantly; that strange brew he had been drinking packed more of a punch than he had anticipated. He opened an eye and blearily gazed up into the glassy amber eyes of Jaques, Carrie's giant teddy bear. Its eye gleamed dully in the early morning light, creeping the elf out. Legolas looked at the clock, but the liquid crystal numbers meant nothing to him. He sat up slowly, blinking his eyes back into focus. Randi was asleep on her bed. Looking at her, the elf felt a rush of sorrow and disappointment, which he squashed ruthlessly. He'd wasted enough of his time on _her_ The elf rubbed his temples, then turned to look at Carrie's bed. It was empty.

It took a moment for this to fully register. Then he stood up, staggered over to Randi's bed, and poked her none too gently.

"Augh" Randi grumbled, squinting up at him. "Oh, it's you. Don't forking TOUCH me!"

"Carrie is not in her bed," Legolas said, frowning down at Randi. "Where has she gone?"

"How the fork should I know?" Randi squinted at her clock. "Jeez, you woke me up at five in the morning" her eyes widened slowly. 

"What?" Legolas asked worriedly.

"The Carrie I know," Randi said slowly, "would never willingly go _anywhere_ this early. So either she's in the bathroom or something fishy went down last night."

"Something fishy went down?" Legolas repeated slowly, not having understood a single word.

"Something happened to her, and it probably wasn't good," Randi translated irritably. "I'm going to go check the bathroom. You wait here." She swung her legs out of bed, put on her slippers, and shuffled out of the room. Legolas paced, trying to get his jumbled thoughts into some semblance of order. Randi walked back in, and he looked up hopefully.

"Nothing," Randi said quietly. "She's gone."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Yeah I'm not liking ff.net so much right now.


	8. Irony to the rescue!

Woo! I got over 300 reviews! And I'm only on chapter eight! I love you guys soooo forking much; you have no idea! (gives OOC, lovesick fellowship members to reviewers). You can keep them! Or you can rehabilitate them and release them back into the wild. Your choice. And, in case you wondering, I don't own LOTR.

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"Gone?" Legolas repeated incredulously, a note of panic creeping into his voice. "Gone?! She can't be!"

"Well, she is," Randi snapped impatiently, running a hand through her hair. "I don't have any other ideas."

"We have to find out where she's gone and get her back!" Legolas said. Randi raised her eyebrows at him, a smirk spreading across her features.

"Miss her, do you?" she asked craftily. Legolas turned pink.

"She has been kind to me," he said slowly, and Randi snorted.

"Kind," she repeated, then giggled. 

"She's your rooma, or whatever you called her, don't _you_ miss her?"

"It's roomy, not rooma. I don't know if I can miss someone who's only been gone for five minutes, but I'm worried about her, yeah," Randi frowned. "Well, there's still a chance that this is something totally innocent -"

Randi was cut off by a long, gleeful cackle. As the two watched, a swarm of papers, books, and other school supplies began to crawl towards the center of the room, congealing together into a clunky likeness of 

"Celestina Windbreaker!" Randi snapped. "Nice trick, you flashy biatch."

The Shakespeare paper that served for Celestina's face crinkled into a nasty grin. "Do you like it? I would come down personally, but mother could show up at any minute." Legolas looked absolutely terrified. Randi couldn't help noticing that the Goddess had managed to use folders and papers that completely clashed with one another. It was disgusting. 

"What the heck do you" Randi's eyes widened in sudden realization. "What in the hell did you do with my roommate, you psycho?!"

"Oh, she's perfectly all right, as far as I know," Celestina said airily. "We had a chat. She refused to cooperate, so I made her a hobbit Sue. I must say, she's awfully cute in the quaint little cotton number I gave her. She'll drive Merry and Pippin wild."

"Merry AND Pippin?!" Randi shrieked. "How come _I_ got stuck with _him_?!" She pointed at Legolas, who was scowling furiously.

"They'd better not touch her," he growled, his hands curling into fists.

"Well, there's nothing _you_ can do about it." Celestina's paper-face frowned at Legolas. "You aren't in her story at all anymore as it should be!" She looked significantly from Legolas to Randi and back.

"Oh, no" Randi folded her arms and glared at the goddess. "When are you going to get it?! I will never, ever, EVER fall in love with Legolas, and he's never going to get with ME, because I've been banging my boyfriend for nearly a YEAR now!"

"Well, you really should have waited until you were married," Celestina said primly. Then she turned with a rustle towards Legolas, who took an involuntary step backwards. Something about Paper!Celestina was just undeniably creepy, even compared to her normal self. "You are aware," she said in a simpering sweet voice, "that for your Lady there, sex is NOT the same thing as marriage, right?"

"It it's not?" Legolas looked from Randi to Celestina and back. 

"Oh, no," Celestina said with a smirk. "No, not at all. She could still marry you if she wanted to. And I'm sure, deep down, that she does."

"Hey!" Randi objected. Before anyone could say anything further, Celestina's paper head (complete with post-it-note hair) whipped around in shock. 

"Shit!" The goddess hissed, and the pile of school supplies abruptly collapsed to the floor. Legolas blinked, then turned to Randi.

"Is what she said true?"

"Yes," Randi said flatly, "and so was what I said." 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"They are not for eating," growled one of the Uruks.

"Yeah, we've been running around in the wild a lot; I bet we're all gamey," Carrie said with a grin. The shock of being in some terrible AU Mary Sue fic had been replaced with a mild form of insanity. Consequently, Carrie was cheerful to an almost manic degree. The whole thing was preposterous; she might as well enjoy herself.

"What about their legs?" Another, uglier orc voiced his opinion. "They don't need those." Pippin and Merry looked down at their legs nervously; Carrie giggled. 

The argument escalated in movie verse, with Merry and Pippin scrambling back and forth to stand between her and whatever the perceived threat was at the time. It was nice, in a way; when the nasally-voiced orc was beheaded, his noggin bounced off them and not her on its way to the ground. Then the Uruks started tearing into the corpse, more or less ignoring the three hobbits. After a moment Carrie tapped Pippin on the shoulder (he looked flattered) and suggested that perhaps they ought to sneak off in the confusion. And sneak off they did or tried to, anyway. Ugly orc number 12 decided to chase after them. He pinned Pippin in the grass and drew his rusty sword.

"Keep moving," Merry urged, shoving Carrie forward (and, Carrie thought, copping a feel as he did so). 

"What about Pippin? And don't touch my ass."

"What donkey?" Merry looked confused, then shrugged. "Pippin can er catch up." He looked nervously over his shoulder and gave Carrie another light shove. 

"He's your _friend_," Carrie exclaimed, disgusted, not budging. Merry had the decency to look slightly ashamed of himself.

"Go on call out for help. Squeal," the orc hissed down at the terrified Pippin. "No one's gonna save you now." He was, of course, immediately skewered by a wooden shaft of irony. Pippin slipped out from underneath the writhing orc and caught up to the other two, who continued crawling along amidst the chaos of battle. Pippin, in a moment of usefulness, found a discarded axe and used it to saw through the rope that bound his hands. Within a few minutes, they were all free and tearing like heck under and around the horses and orcs towards Fangorn Forest. As soon as they were well within the canopy of trees, they stopped for a breather.

"Welcome to Fangorn, where all your dreams come true!" Carrie said sarcastically, looking at the trees with a mixture of fascination and nervousness. 

"I think we lost him," Pippin said breathlessly. But the call of irony was irresistible, and ugly orc number 12 came staggering into the forest, somehow walking despite his injury. Merry and Pippin each grabbed one of Carrie's hands and tugged her along as they fled further into the trees, the orc calling rude things after them.

"The trees," Merry urged, "climb a tree!" Daisy looked up at the tree they were next to and started to climb.

"Excuse me, Mr. Treebeard," she muttered over and over under her breath until she reached the top. Pippin was below her, and Merry the furthest down. Pippin was looking up at her in what seemed to be concern only his eyes weren't really meeting hers. Carrie squinted suspiciously. "Hey! Stop looking up my dress!" Merry's head snapped up in surprise; he overbalanced and fell with a little cry. Pippin started guiltily and lowered his gaze, bright red. The orc started purposefully towards Merry, who was scrambling backwards in terror. 

"Merry!" Pippin shouted in a long, drawn-out fashion.

Several things happened in rapid succession. The orc pinned Merry down with a foot. Treebeard opened his eyes and blinked. Pippin squealed and nearly fell out of the ent, but was caught by one of Treebeard's branch-hands. The orc was flattened, Merry attempted to run and was rapidly caught up as well. Carrie was left more or less alone; she couldn't have jumped to safety, and Treebeard only had two hands. The ent regarded Merry and Pippin with suspicion.

"Little orcs, booraroom!" he rumbled, stomping through the forest while Pippin and Merry struggled in his grasp.

"Don't hurt Daisy!" Pippin cried. "Whatever you do, _please_ don't hurt Daisy!" Carrie snorted. Of the three of them, she was the only one who WASN'T in immediate danger of being squished until her internal organs popped out of her eyes. What was the Took thinking? WAS he thinking?! She guessed not. Her point was proven further when Pippin blinked and looked at the ent in astonishment. "It's talking! The tree is talking!" 

"A bit of a delayed reaction there," Carrie mumbled, rolling her eyes.

"Tree? I am no tree! I am an ent." Treebeard rumbled.

"Tree-herder," Merry grinned in recognition. "A shepherd of the forest!" he looked up at Daisy, his grin widening. "Don't be frightened, Daisy! He won't eat you!"

"Do I _look_ as if I'm shaking in my little space boots?!" Carrie snapped. 

"Don't talk to it, Merry," Pippin advised, forgetting that he had talked to it five seconds ago. "Don't encourage it!" 

Unfortunately, the ent needed no encouragement. "Treebeard some call me."

"And who's side are you on?" Pippin asked nervously.

"Side? I am on nobody's side, because nobody is on my side, little orc."

"This Nobody person sure is nice, being on your side and all," Carrie said quietly, leaning back and watching the canopy whoosh by over her head. "Wheeee trippy!"

"We're not orcs," Merry said, "we're hobbits!"

"Hobbits?" Treebeard looked thoughtful. "Never heard of a hobbit before." He frowned, slowly tightening his grip. "Sounds like orc mischief to me! They come with fire, they come with axes"

"GNAAAWING, BITING, BREAKINGHACKINGBURNING!" Carrie bellowed along with the ent in her best Treebeard impression (which wasn't all that good). Treebeard didn't seem to notice.

"Destroyers and usurpers, curse them!" Treebeard finished, stomping along bad-temperedly.

"We're not orcs," Merry repeated, struggling. "We're hobbits! Halflings! Shirefolk!" Pippin nodded in frantic agreement, but they were squeezed tighter. Carrie leaned down and rapped on the side of Treebeard's head.

"You can loosen up just a bit," she advised. Treebeard looked at her in surprise, as if he hadn't noticed her until just that moment. Evidently he listened; a moment later Merry and Pippin visibly relaxed and sent her grateful, moony glances. 

"Maybe you are, and maybe you arent," Treebeard said finally. "The white wizard will no."

"White wizard?" Pippin repeated in a despairing whisper.

"Saruman," Merry's eyes widened.

"WOO!" Carrie shouted, causing several birds to take flight in alarm. "The white wizard! BOOYA!" She pumped a fist in the air, banging it into a branch. "Ow"

Before either hobbit could ask her if she was all right, the two were dumped unceremoniously in front of a glowing, white-robed figure. Carrie half climbed, half jumped down to the ground, curtsied as prettily as she could (which wasn't all that prettily), grinned, and chirped, "Howdy!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Well, that's it for now! ^_^ Thanks muchly to all of my absolutely wonderful reviewers! I'm over 350 reviews! It's insane! You're all the best! So (bursts into song, to the tune of "My Favorite Things")

Christy the badger and Katherine, who knows

Part of the ending, and A. Silver Rose,

Laureline, Akai-Sakura as well,

All my reviewers are totally swell!

My good pal Roseblade and Ta-habby Kitten,

Levanna, Steph, and Mireiswen

AAAClub and Megan Sleevewillow

My reviewers are the best people I know!

Syth Colbalt and Daisy, Dark, Dailight,

(three alter egos that often will fight)

Morning Mist, Tashilover, poketmouse

All my reviewers are in da house!

Skimbleshanks! Leo Cole! And Spoofmaster, toooooo

Pyro She-devil, I just love you all!

I could not write wiiiiiiiiiith oooout yoooouuuuuu!!!

(switches to the tune of "You'll be in my Heart" for some reason)

Rachel the insane Unicorn

DiamondTook3, do you like corn? (a/n I NEEDED A RHYME!!)

Satara and Aindel S. Druida,

You are way cool; you reviewed!

ElvenPirate41

And Gamgeefest, you're both so fun

Coolio02, and Witch of Darkness,

I love you four people too!

Raaaaandom Characterrrrr

TannnnQUESSieeellllll

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Glad you learned how to reeead

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(switches again, now to the tune of "Beauty and the Beast")

Scap and awkward, toooooooo

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Katla is so phaaaaat

In an awesome waaaaaaaayyyyyyy

And Media12

Guava Nancers too

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Though ff.net banned

CoTR boooooooo

Fuji the Hobbit

And PineAppleLint

Everybody rocks

Drawers full of my socks

I'm glad you reviewwwwwed (dramatic swell in music)

THESIRIUSSPARRROOOOOOWWWWW!!

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SIGIL GALEN'S COOOOOOOOOL

DRAGON EMPRESS RUUUUUUUULES

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Huineso-horonnnnnnnn

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Pretendingtobesane 

Hope you all remain

Giving me revieeewwwwsssss (music gets all soft and slow)

Gilraen Ar-Feiniel1

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And I love reviewwwwwwwws

Hint, hint ;-) Seriously, I love you all bunches! Hope you liked the musical bit, hehehe.

~Platy


	9. Booramalamadingdonghoom!

OVER 400 REVIEWS! I love you all! And I own nothing!

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Legolas frowned at Randi. "You misled me."

"I did no such thing," Randi replied forcefully. "I've been telling you to leave me the fork alone from the get-go! Don't you DARE accuse me of leading you on!"

Legolas glared at her and said nothing.

"Stop it," Randi snapped, shifting on her bed. Legolas turned and started picking up his weapons. "Whoa!" Randi backed up into the wall. "No need to kill me"

"I wasn't planning on it," Legolas said shortly, strapping on his knives.

"Then what are you doing?"

"I am going to find Lady Carrie." He double-checked his bow.

"Going to find her?!" Randi exclaimed shrilly. "She isn't even in this UNIVERSE, dumbass! You can search until you're blue in the forking face; you aren't going to _find _her!" The girl's voice took on a manic tinge. "Don't you get it?! She's stuck there until that stupid goddess lets her come home, which will be NEVER! NEVER!" Randi unexpectedly burst into tears. "She's probably already _dead_!"

"What?" Legolas's eyes widened as he sat down beside Randi, who was still sobbing hysterically. "Why what makes you say this?" He gently wrapped an arm around her shoulders; she was too miserable to shake him off.

"When" Randi swallowed, then continued, "when I was first sent to Middle Earth, Celestina — that paper FREAK you just saw — accidentally sent Carrie along as well. She corrected her mistake soon enough; Carrie was sent home after being there for a few minutes. I was stuck there for months. But we both arrived back at almost the _exact same moment_. Time passed differently months in Middle Earth was just, like, a nanosecond here. Carrie's been gone for minutes of our time, maybe even _hours_. That would be I dunno, a Middle Earth _eon_ or something."

Legolas digested this for a moment. "But," he said slowly, "this paper woman she arrived after Lady Carrie had been gone for some time. But she spoke as if Carrie was still alive and well. Remember?"

"Of course I remember, it was five forking seconds ago," Randi said, wiping her face briskly. Legolas removed his arm and cupped his chin in his hands. "What do you think it means?" Randi looked at him.

"That Lady Carrie is alive," Legolas said simply. "And that this woman must have had a reason for taking her away."

"What sort of reason could she possibly" Randi trailed off, then groaned. "Mother forker I get it, now."

"Do you?" Legolas raised an eyebrow.

"That stupid biatch" Randi grumbled half to herself. "She switched the time thingy around because she didn't want Carrie here for a while. She's not concerned with making Carrie a Sue or anything; that's not her main objective. She just wants my roommate out of the way!"

"But why?" Legolas pressed curiously.

"Why in the hell do you think?" Randi scowled. "She still wants _us_ to get together, GAG. And she knows that if Carrie stayed here, you'd be hitting on HER instead!"

There was a short pause.

"My name is not Gag," Legolas said, frowning thoughtfully. 

Randi laughed a long, bitter laugh.

*~*~*~*~*

Treebeard was carrying the three hobbits through the woods once again. Merry and Pippin were perched on each side of Carrie (who had finally consented to sit in the middle after a squabble over who got to sit next to her resulted in Merry falling out of the ent twice). The ent in question was reciting entish poetry at a dirge-like pace; Merry and Pippin were nodding sleepily. Carrie kept darting frantic glances at the two of them, fairly positive that they would discreetly try to fall asleep in such a way so that they would end up drooping onto her lap. If there had been anywhere for her to really move to, she would have unfortunately, seating on the ent was limited. The two hobbits jerked awake, and Carrie relaxed slightly. Her mind wandered back to the encounter with Gandalf. Had he really said "fo shizzle?!" That could NOT have been right.

Something else setting off her This-can't-be-quite-right-o-meter was Treebeard's poetry. It was not very entish-sounding to her.

"Haroom this one is another about how we lost the ent-wives, booraroomalooma," Treebeard droned by way of introduction. "Ooohhh baby, baby, how was I suppooooosed to knoooooowww something wasn't riiiiiiiiight Oh baby, baby, I shouldn't have let you gooooooooo"

"Oh, GOD!" Carrie snapped. Merry and Pippin (who had been very close to nodding off) jumped. Treebeard paused.

"Something the matter, barroooom?" he inquired.

"That's not entish poetry!" Carrie cried, flabbergasted. "That's Britney forking SPEARS! Don't you ents have any self-respect?!"

"Daisy" Merry said nervously, not wanting to upset their current guardian.

"Shut it, Merry."

"Okay."

"Britney Spears?" Treebeard harroomed. "Never heard of a Britney Spears before, booramalamadingdonghoooom."

"And what the hell is with the ramalamadingdonghoom?!'" Carrie rolled her eyes. "This is just silly."

"Do YOU know any poetry?" Pippin looked curious. 

"Yes some hobbit poetry would be nice to hear, hoomaroomadoomafoom," Treebeard agreed.

"Well" Carrie frowned thoughtfully. She didn't know that much poetry offhand. Maybe she could recite some Shakespeare it had been in the back of her mind ever since she'd had to do a short scene for someone's directing class at college. Yes she knew the _perfect _bit of poetry. Carrie smirked rather nastily. "Why yes, I do know some poetry!" She cleared her throat, then bellowed, "O, spite! O, hell!" Merry and Pippin jumped again. "I see you are bent to set against me for your merriment! If you were civil, and knew courtesy, you would not do me thus much injury! Can you not hate me, as I know you do, but must you join in souls to mock me, too?" This was terribly fitting. She spoke directly to Merry and Pippin, who exchanged a slightly nervous glance. "If you were men, as men you are in show, you would not use a gentle lady so; to vow, and swear, and superpraise my parts, when I am sure you HATE me with your hearts!" She paused, wondering if it would get a reaction.

"I don't hate you," Pippin said sincerely. "I can't speak for Merry, of course"

"_I _don't hate you!" Merry frowned at Pippin. "He's lying!" He pointed an accusing finger at Pippin. "He's _lying_!" He turned appealingly to Carrie. "He's lying," he finished matter-of-factly.

Carrie stared at Merry for a long moment. "Treebeard? Let's have some more poetry."

Treebeard cleared his throat. "Wanna get dirrty booraroom"

Within minutes, Merry and Pippin were asleep (one on each of Carrie's shoulders). If they hadn't been so damn cute, she would have vomited. Instead, she carefully scooted out from between them, arranging the hobbits so that they were slumbering on each other instead of her. 

"Awww, what a picture," Carrie muttered sarcastically, crouching on Treebeard's shoulder. "You can stop now, Treebeard."

"I'd teach you, but I'd have to charge oh, all right," the ent said, shutting up. Carrie sighed. Sweet, blessed silence! Wait

"Oh _yeah_?!" A high-pitched voice chattered. "You and what army?!"

"I don't need an army; I'll take you single-handedly, punk!"

Carrie looked around. Whoever it was, they sounded more interesting than her current company. As she watched, two hummingbirds zipped out of the foliage. They appeared to be fencing with their beaks. Was that normal?

"Ha-HAH!" one of them tittered. "Take THAT!"

"What, you think just because you practice three hours a day with hanging leaves as targets makes you a better prospective mate than me?!"

"I practice three hours a day so that when I meet a ruby-throat, I can kill it!"

Carrie snorted in amusement, but her grin rapidly faded. She was listening to a conversation between two _birds_. She tried shaking her head briskly. No, they were still hurling insults at each other. This was bad. 

Suddenly, one of the hummingbirds shrieked in pain and started to spiral towards the earth. Without really thinking, Carrie reached out and caught it.

"Now stand aside, worthy adversary!" The unharmed hummingbird cried.

"Oh," moaned the one that Carrie had caught. "Oh, the pain darkness clouds my vision! Alas, alas!" It swooned against her palm.

"Um" Carrie frowned down at the hummingbird, so light that her hand barely registered the weight. "It'll be ok, little guy" she reached a tentative finger towards the wounded bird. She wasn't planning on doing anything in particular; if anything, she might have prodded it in a gentle, encouraging sort of way. But before she could stop herself, a host of golden sparks _streamed _out of the end of her outstretched fingertip, spiraling around the bird in a flurry of activity. She eeped in shock and pulled back her hand, but the damage was done. Or, to be more accurate, the damage was gone. The hummingbird fluttered into the air, completely healed.

"A miracle!" the bird squeaked, looping excitedly through the air. "Huzzah! Words cannot express my wonder!" It hovered in front of Carrie, who was sitting in open-mouthed shock. "Oh, thank you, kind lady!" It executed an odd mid-air bow. "I am eternally in your debt!" And with that, the two birds zoomed off to continue their spar.

"A hummingbird is in my debt," Carrie muttered to herself. "Well, I'm sure _that _will come in handy." 

"I have never seen a hobbit with such an extraordinary healing power before," Treebeard commented, looking at her.

"You've never seen hobbits at all before today," Carrie pointed out. 

"Oh hoomaroomagoom" Treebeard replied vaguely. Carrie sighed heavily. Not only was she a hobbit Sue, she was a Sue that could talk to birds and magically heal people. Middle Earth had, in the space of several minutes, become much more interesting but a good deal less fun.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And that's all for now! Talking hummingbirds for all of my wonderful reviewers! (flings bewildered hummingbirds out into the audience by the handful) Woo! You all rock!

~Platy

P.S. Review! You never know when I might sneak in a musical number or who knows what ;-) 


	10. Weakening

Platy grinned and waved. "I'm back from break, and it's time for another kerazy sequel chapter!"

Natasha Woods came bouncing in. "PLATY! YOU'RE BACK!" She then proceeded to hug Platy, showing no signs of letting go.

Platy grinned, both pleased and slightly baffled. "Er, yes we all are, hehe." 

Jack pouted from his chair. "I don't get a hug."

Natasha Woods let go of Platy and clung to Jack instead. "Hi," she said, wide-eyed.

Jack nearly dropped his rum. "Erm hi." He grinned uncertainly and looked over at Platy. "Platy, should I be scared?"

Platy waved a paw dismissively. "Nah. Rhi's cool."

Natasha Woods suddenly snatched Jack's hat right off his head and dashed off, cackling.

Jack jumped up, swaying unsteadily. "Oy! Me hat!" He regained his balance and followed, waving his arms like a madman.

Platy sighed in disappointment as she watched them both disappear. "Well, NOW who's going to do my disclaimer, darn it?"

Katla strolled in and coughed politely. "I could do it. You know, if you need me to"

Platy grinned. "Katla! All right! Go to it!"

Katla beamed. "A-HEM. Platy does not own Pirates of the Caribbean. Nor does she own Lord of the Rings. Basically, if you recognize it, it belongs to someone or something else."

Platy chimed in, "Which reminds me, since some of you were wondering the ruby-throat line from the last chapter was from POTC, though slightly modified. And the line "Stand aside, worthy adversary" is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, which I have been able to watch all the way through. And I did find it somewhat amusing, despite aforementioned aversions to Monty Python mentioned in some other disclaimer of some other fic in fact, it was Club of the Ring. But whatever. On with THIS story!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Carrie strolled aimlessly around the clearing Treebeard had dropped them off in before stomping off to tend to ent business. Merry and Pippin were fast asleep a short distance away. Carrie had decided very quickly that she liked them better when they were sleeping. They could just lie there and look cute without opening their mouths and revealing how messed-up they both were.

Carrie started edging towards the woods themselves, darting glances into the forest canopy. The faint sound of birds flinging territorial insults at one another filtered through the trees. 

"Oh Celestiiiiiinaaaaaa," Carrie called softly in a sing-song voice, "I'm gonna sneak out into the woods and get eaten by a treeeeheeeeee better come on down here and stop me, you big-haired biaaaaaaaaatch." She hopped closer to the edge of the clearing. "I''ll do it! I'm a hobbit on the edge!" Nothing. So she skipped up to the very edge of the clearing. The trees rustled ominously. "Oho," Carrie said, grinning. "You hear that? They're just ITCHING to swallow me up! I think I'll go and touch one!" The girl waited expectantly, but the goddess did not appear. "Well, fudge monkeys." With a shrug, Carrie walked up to a random tree and poked it repeatedly, chirping, "POKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKEPOKE!" for good measure. The tree rumbled dangerously. Perhaps it was ticklish. 

Before she could experiment further, she was jerked back into the clearing by a suddenly wide-awake Pippin.

"Are you mad?!" Pippin asked, looking over her shoulder to make sure the tree hadn't lifted up its roots and come slithering after them like a freaky wooden land-squid. 

"Yes," Carrie replied with conviction. 

"That tree could have killed you!" the Took added for good measure.

"Oh, I'm sure it just wants to be loved," Carrie said blandly, tilting her head up to observe an especially foul-mouthed blue jay. Foul-beaked, really, she mentally corrected herself.

"Well, you should be more careful." Pippin's gaze changed from stern to the usual moony. "I couldn't stand it if anything happened to you"

"Oh, _stop_," Carrie snapped in exasperation, walking over to the clearing's obligatory babbling-brook-with-waterfall arrangement. They both _really_ needed to stop hitting on her. She found it irritating on several levels: they were acting outrageously out of character, which was just a damn shame but also, she _was_ a bit of a hobbit fancier, and well, they weren't _hard_ to resist. That wasn't quite it. But Celestina could have picked someone (or someones) easier to resist, that was for sure. "It's okay," Carrie muttered to herself, "it's all just a matter of willpower. That is _not_ the real Pippin and Merry, so we're all good" 

"What?" Pippin asked.

"Nothing; I wasn't talking to you," Carrie said quickly, sniffing suspiciously at a large stone bowl of what appeared to be water. 

"Well, who were you talking to?"

"Myself," Carrie replied, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Pippin nodded vaguely. Merry didn't do anything; he was still sleeping. Carrie was grateful; at least now she only had to deal with one of them. She regarded the hobbit thoughtfully. He still had that ugly-looking gash on his forehead. And she could do something about it. Carrie nibbled her lower lip. Well, _if_ she was going to heal it, it would probably be best to do it while he was sleeping and wouldn't know it was her. A wicked grin split her features as she twiddled her fingers in a Captain Jack Sparrow-esque gesture and crept up to where the hobbit was lying.

"What are you doing?" Pippin asked suspiciously, probably miffed that she was suddenly more interested in his sleeping friend than in him.

"Something _unspeakable_," Carrie said, before gingerly moving her outstretched finger towards Merry's forehead. 

She had expected the sudden flurry of golden sparks, but even so, she jumped a bit when they flowed from her finger to his forehead, whirling around until the gash was gone. Merry stirred sleepily, but didn't wake up.

"How did you do that?" Pippin had snuck up right behind her, making her jump again. Apparently, they weren't aware that she had this crazy healing gift. So she hadn't used it before. Well, that made sense if she _had_, Boromir would probably still be running around, and they wouldn't have been captured by the baddies. 

"Uh magic?" Carrie shrugged. 

Pippin considered this for a minute. "I, uh have a cut on my finger" he offered. 

"No, you don't," Carrie said, smirking.

"I could get one."

"Don't be an idiot."

"You think I'm an _idiot_?" His eyes filled with tears - again. "You d-don't _like_ me??" 

Carrie sighed in frustration, mostly because he was being stupid and partly because she had an especial soft spot for Tearful!Pippin. "I didn't say you _were_ an idiot, I said that you were perilously close to _sounding_ like one. I mean, really does injuring yourself on purpose sound like a wise idea to you?"

"No," Pippin sniffled.

"Well, that's a start," Carrie muttered. "Then you're not an idiot," she nodded decisively. Quite suddenly, something from much earlier in the conversation struck her as odd. "What made you think that the tree would have killed me?" Treebeard had mentioned the trees harming them but if this whole fic was in movie-verse, then Merry and Pippin had not ever been caught by a tree, and as such shouldn't really appreciate how dangerous they were.

Pippin lifted a shoulder. "Treebeard said they would try and hurt us if they could. And you were poking it." He looked at her sharply, and for a moment it was almost like he was intelligent and and normal. Carrie found it deeply unsettling. "Why _were_ you poking it, anyway?"

"I felt like it," Carrie replied, suddenly uncomfortable. Being more or less alone with OOC puppy-Pippin or Puppin, was doable. But being alone with normal Pippin could be dangerous. She _liked_ normal Pippin. She liked normal Pippin an _awful_ lot.

"You felt like it?" Pippin repeated doubtfully. 

"Fine, you got me," Carrie threw up her hands. "I was trying to coax down the evil goddess that brought me here in the hopes that I might somehow be able to finagle my way back home. But I don't expect you to understand that." She folded her arms and stared moodily down at the forest floor. There was a long pause.

"Are you _sure_ they didn't hit you?" Pippin asked.

"Yes," Carrie replied quietly, "I'm sure." She abruptly turned away from Pippin and strode purposefully around a boulder, plopping to the ground in a dispirited fashion. She'd had enough. It had been fun for a while, but now she wanted out. She looked up at the flashes of blue that could be seen through the leaves, silently begging the goddess to get her the heck out of there. _I promise I won't let Legolas fall for me,_ she thought fervently, _I_ promise, _just get me the hell OUT of here, please_

"Daisy?" Pippin had followed her around the rock. "Are you all right?"

"No," Carrie replied, drawing her needs up to her chest and resting her head on them.

"What's wrong?" Her eyes were shut, but she could hear and feel him sit down next to her. 

"Nothing," Carrie replied shortly, voice shaking. 

"You just said you weren't all right, so something must be wrong," Pippin said frankly in another moment of near-canon that unsettled her further. Carrie sighed.

"I want to go home." Her voice nearly broke on the word 'home,' and she felt tears sting her eyes. She fought them back stubbornly; she wasn't about to cry in front of him. That would have been an excuse for comforting!Pippin to emerge, and she did NOT need comforting!Pippin. 

"I miss the Shire, too," Pippin said softly. Carrie nearly laughed. But what was she supposed to say? "Not THAT home"? She couldn't very well explain to Pippin that she was from another universe, especially since she was clearly a hobbit and had probably grown up with him in this stupid AU fic, as well. Their parents were probably old friends. If she _had_ parents. Good god, did she have _family_ here? They had probably all died tragically or something. Either that, or she was from some lower-class family that did the Thain's housekeeping, with a tyrannical, oppressive father who was determined that she never forget her place 'below stairs.' He had probably beaten her with a spatula whenever she talked to Pippin and/or Merry. She was startled out of her musing by Pippin, who apparently hadn't finished talking.

"But we will go back, you know when this war is over." 

"But it won't be the same," Carrie replied. It wouldn't be home for her, if it came to that and if the scouring happened in this fic, it wouldn't be the same for him, either. 

"Why wouldn't it?" Pippin asked.

Carrie shrugged, not knowing how else to respond. It wasn't something she could explain; either he wouldn't understand, or she'd be giving away the ending. A moment later, she felt the warmth of Pippin's hand on her shoulder. Excellent. Comforting!Pippin had officially emerged, whether she wanted him to or not. And she was too tired and miserable to push him away. Figuring that if she was going to give in, she might as well give in completely, she scooted a bit closer (though he had sat awfully close to her in the first place) and rested her head on his shoulder. He shifted a bit to make her more comfortable, and wrapped his arm snugly around her. Damn, he was being considerate. This would just make things more difficult. Oh well. Carrie's last coherent thought was that Merry was going to have a fit when he woke up.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I sure hope this wasn't the chapter with the musical bit because if it was, I lost it. Stoopid forking ff.net! 


	11. Worship and Awakening

Platy bounced in her chair and screeched, "OVER 500 REVIEWS! YOU ALL ROCK! And it's time for another disclaimer!! Woo!"

Hcagney looked around and beamed. "I'm here! All of my dreams have come true!" 

Jack rolled his eyes and took a swig of rum. "You need to get out more, luv."

Platy scowled. "Hey, be nice!" She smacked Jack upside the head. "If you're a jerk, Natasha is NEVER going to return your hat, you know."

"She ran awful fast" Jack grumbled sullenly, mourning the loss of his hat.

Hcagney grinned at Jack. "Your motor skills might be better if you didn't chug rum 24-7."

Jack growled at her.

Platy squirted Jack with a water bottle that she had used to train her puppies. "BAD Jack! You can go ahead and do the disclaimer now, hcagney."

Hcagney grinned. "Platy doesn't own LOTR or Pirates or anything you recognize, but she DOES own Celestina and Randi and Carrie! So don't sue if it is yours, and don't steal if it's not! ON WITH THE STORY!"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Legolas hefted his weapons again. Randi stared at him.

"What the heck are you doing? I told you, you're never going to find her!"

"I am not going to try to find Lady Carrie," Legolas explained, straightening. 

"Then where are you going? Squirrel hunting?"

"I am going to find that woman who was here a few moments ago."

Randi gaped. "Um you know, she can poof here when she wants to, but ONLY when she wants to. It's not like she has a forking shack in the bluffs or something."

"If we find her," Legolas said, "she could lead us to Lady Carrie."

"But she _wouldn't_," Randi argued, trying to keep her voice even. "Don't you get that? The last thing she wants is for you to find Carrie; she'll do everything in her power to keep you two apart!"

"She cannot hide forever," Legolas said simply. 

"She can hide for a long time," Randi pointed out. "And even supposing you DO find her, she's never going to let you anywhere near Carrie. You might as well just stay put and conserve energy."

Legolas stared at Randi for a moment. "The Fellowship of the Ring," he began in a dramatic tone of voice, "was not formed to do a task that anyone considered easy. There were many who doubted; many who thought that there was no way we could possibly succeed." He was picking up steam, now. "But one little hobbit was able to save the whole of Middle Earth against all odds! There is a very real and important lesson to be learned there, being-"

"That Celestina is still never going to let you find her, or let you near Carrie," Randi finished flatly, folding her arms. "Look, Celestina isn't waging a war. Her sole focus is getting the two of us together. She has nothing else to worry about! It's not like you can sneak around and plot things without her noticing. Believe me, I've tried! I spent months doing everything in my power to outwit her, but every time I found a loophole, she just tweaked the rules! In one case, she rewrote the rules entirely. The only reason I got away was because her _mother_ intervened; as far as I know, she _can't be beaten_." Randi's eye twitched. She rubbed it till it stopped.

Legolas looked at her mildly. "Well, we can still try."

"Well, failing miserably tends to depress me after a while." Randi flopped sideways onto her pillow. 

"You said" Legolas pursed his lips thoughtfully, "that her mother intervened?"

"Yes," Randi said into her pillow.

"Can we find her mother?"

Randi sat up slowly. "I didn't think of that." She scratched her chin, staring out the window. "How to appeal to the Goddess of Canon"

"Does she have an altar nearby?" Legolas suggested. Randi looked at him sideways, wondering it they had altars in Middle Earth, and if not, how he knew about them.

"We don't exactly worship fanfic Goddesses around here." Randi giggled. "That would make us pagans or something, hee hee hee!" She composed herself, then furrowed her brow thoughtfully. "There isn't an altar for her, but there is an altar up for grabs!" She jumped off the bed, suddenly much happier, and grabbed her copy of _The Lord of the Rings_, which was all three books in one volume and which was actually her roommate's. But it wasn't like Carrie would be needing it. "Come on!" She led Legolas outside and around their dorm building, passing through one of the maintenance parking and storage areas. She walked past the silent, unmoving snowplows (which Legolas regarded with suspicion) and up to the edge of the woods. 

There was a small structure there, made of roughly-hewn slices of blue and violet marble stacked into three conjoined arches, with a smooth shelf-like alter attached to the middle wall. From a distance it vaguely resembled an oven, but up close it was clearly an out-of-use, outdoor place of worship. It still sparkled like new, though. And its location was ideal; no one would see them. Randi wished half-heartedly that candles weren't banned on campus, then opened the book and flipped around, looking for some Legolas dialogue. Finding some, she handed Legolas the book and stood before the altar, raising her hands. 

"Oh, great goddess of canon!" Randi said in a sepulchral tone. "Hear our pleas for mercy and sanity! Purge the elf of his hideously OOC ways -" here Legolas made an insulted little noise, "-and free the earth from his unwanted and just plain wrong presence!"

"Hey!" Legolas objected.

"Shut up and read," Randi hissed out of the corner of her mouth, hands still piously upraised.

"I can't do both," Legolas pointed out, frowning. "And I can't read this writing."

"What?! Are elves illiterate?!" She adopted her priestess voice again. "Oh mighty Goddess of Canon, remove the illiterate elf!" 

"No," Legolas said with strained patience. "But we write in _elvish_, not whatever this is."

Randi grumbled in frustration and jerked the book away. "Fine. Repeat after me. 'I do not think that any would come.'"

"I do not think that any would come," Legolas said, looking doubtful.

"'They have no need to ride to war.'"

"They have no need to ride to war."

"'War already marches on their own lands.'"

"Why am I saying this? What war?"

"REPEAT THE DAMN LINE!"

"War already marches on their own lands!" Legolas scowled. "There! Happy?"

"Shh!" Randi hissed, holding up a hand. Legolas rolled his eyes. There was complete and utter silence.

A robin chirped.

"Nothing is happening," Legolas observed.

"Damn it," Randi slumped. "Well, scratch appealing to the Goddess of Canon, then."

"I wouldn't 'scratch it,' as you say," Legolas shrugged. "Perhaps we are simply going about it the wrong way." 

"Well, forgive me for never having worshipped obscure deities before," Randi muttered sullenly. "What, then, do you suggest we do?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Carrie awoke slowly. Something felt very wrong. Without moving, opening her eyes, or giving any indication that she was nearly fully awake, she tried to take stock of her situation. The first thing she noticed was a low noise that she assumed was the wind, until she realized that it was actually a whole lot of furious whispering. 

"Keep your voice down," Pippin hissed quietly. "You'll wake her up."

"That's fine; it'll force you to get your bloody paws off her!"

Carrie suddenly realized exactly what was going on and, through an impressive display of willpower, suppressed a groan. An arm - undoubtedly Pippin's - tightened around her protectively. _Oh, God,_ she thought, _it's like waking up with a complete stranger after a wild night on the town, only worse because I can't sneak off!_ _Not that I've ever woken up with a stranger from a bar but I imagine it would be like this._

"I haven't done anything but _sit_ here," Pippin whispered defensively. "And perhaps if you hadn't slept clear through her suicide attempt, we wouldn't _be_ in this position. Not that I mind," he added smugly. There was a short pause, during which Carrie imagined Merry turning all pale and looking horrified.

"Suicide attempt?" Merry sounded horrified, at least. Carrie fought back a giggle by thinking 'it's not funny' over and over to herself.

"She attacked a tree, and was planning to do more, I'm sure." There was a brief rustle of fabric, probably Pippin giving her a tender glance. "Good thing _one_ of us isn't a lazy oaf. _I_ was able to avert it."

"Don't call me lazy," Merry growled. "And perhaps if one of us wasn't being an annoying _idiot_, she wouldn't have been _driven_ to a suicide attempt!"

"She told me she didn't think I was an idiot! I heard it from her own rosy-red lips! And I rather think it was _your_ constant advances that upset her, not _mine_."

"What makes you say _that_?"

"Well, let's see who has her sleeping in his arms, and who doesn't?" Carrie could hear the smirk in Pippin's voice. At this point, she decided that she had heard enough and it was time to 'wake up,' so she made a show of yawning, stretching, and sitting up. As she rubbed her eyes theatrically, Pippin's arm was smacked off of her shoulders by an irate Merry. He then hoisted her to her feet despite her complaining groan and looked her over worriedly.

"Did he take advantage of you?" Merry asked quietly, his eyes dark with concern as he rested his hands on her shoulders.

Carrie gaped at him for a moment, then burst out laughing. She felt a little bad about giggling at his concern, but at the same time, the idea of Puppin successfully taking advantage of _anyone_ was beyond hilarious. He was OOC, certainly, but he wasn't a _player_, for Pete's sake! He wasn't clever enough to be a player! Besides, Carrie had her morals. Having sex with either of them was out of the question, even without the Sue factor. She barely _knew_ them. Merry was still looking at her very seriously, so she composed herself enough to answer.

"No, he didn't take advantage of me, Merry," Carrie assured him, removing his hands from her shoulders and stepping away from the both of them. "First of all, he doesn't strike me as that type of person, and secondly, I'm not a completely helpless weakling."

"I wasn't implying that!" Merry looked horrified again.

"You were so!" Pippin countered cheerfully. "He's such an egotistical jerk, Daisy, you wouldn't believe it"

"Shut UP!" Merry dove at Pippin, who yelped and ran over to hide behind Carrie.

"You're just upset because I revealed your true nature!" Pippin taunted from behind his very effective hobbit shield. "You think women are weeeak!" Carrie rolled her eyes as Merry kept darting around her in an attempt to get at Pippin without hurting her, all the while reassuring her that he really wasn't like that at all.

"I'm really not like that at _all_, Daisy," Merry insisted between his homicidal lunges. 

"He is! He is!" Pippin shouted victoriously, grinning like a madman. "Look, he's afraid to touch you! He thinks you'll break! Because you're a lass!"

"I'm going to KILL you, Pippin!" Merry lunged again, and Pippin scrambled out from behind Daisy and around the boulder. His bestest best friend was in hot pursuit, shouting all sorts of creative death threats.

"Will you two stop it? You're acting infantile!" Carrie shouted, but for once, neither of them was listening to her. "Seriously! This is a huuuuge turn-off!" Still no indication that they were paying attention to anything other than the desire to hurt someone or avoid being hurt by someone. 

There was a yelp from Pippin and a triumphant cry from Merry as the former was finally caught; this was rapidly followed by a frantic splashing sound. Carrie trotted around the boulder to witness the bizarre and frightening image of Merry holding Pippin's head under the surface of the pool of water while the younger hobbit struggled.

"ARE YOU CRAZY?!?!" Carrie shouted. Merry looked up, startled.

"What?" He asked innocently as if he wasn't in the act of murdering a cousin and childhood playmate.

"STOP IT!" Carrie marched over to Merry, wound up, and slapped him with all the power her arm possessed. He staggered backwards, hand on cheek, looking as if her smack had hurt him more than a thousand stabs from a red-hot poker followed by a lemon juice rinse ever could. She hauled Pippin out of the water by the hood of his cloak and thumped his back while he gasped for breath, all the while looking at Merry with the utmost disgust. As soon as Pippin had recovered enough to talk, he fell to his knees and hugged Carrie around the waist.

"You _saved_ me!" He cried, soaking the front of her thankfully not white dress. 

"Erm" Carrie patted the top of his head awkwardly, then stepped away and rounded on Merry. "What in the hell is your _problem_?!" she asked, struggling to keep her voice lowered. Merry looked down at his feet, tears sliding silently down his cheeks, one of which was bright red. "Pippin is your friend!" She turned and addressed Pippin, who was getting to his feet. "And he's _your_ friend! And I'm sick of the two of you acting like asshats! Now shake hands and make up!" 

Pippin eyed Merry nervously and inched forward. Merry took a reluctant step towards Pippin. They both stopped about three feet away from each other, leaned waaaay forward, and shook briskly before turning aside and acting like the shake had never happened.

"That doesn't count," Carrie said sharply. The two hobbits shook properly. "That's better. If I _ever_ catch you two fighting again, I'm telling Treebeard to bash you against that boulder until you both _splatter_, understand?!" The hobbits blanched and nodded. "Good!" Carrie swept her hands together. "My job is done." She marched over to a sunny spot in the clearing and sat down to dry out her dress. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

This one is a bit longer, eh? ^_^ And quickish! I was inspired, hehehe. And since it hasn't been TOO long, so I don't have TOO many reviews

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Laureline: Well, we may find out what exactly Celestina wants next chapter. ;-)

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Eccentric Banshee: Cool penname! Hehehe, very true. Thanks!

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hcagney: You're up there! ^_^ Aww, you flatter me terribly! (blushes)

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Pyro She-devil: None can resist the Comforting Pippin, hehehe.

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Scap: I understood it! Glad you like Puppin he is a cutie, isn't he? ;-)

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Hirilnara: (suffers from MS Academy withdrawal) I'm waiting with bated breath! Yeah, he probably has I was wondering who took my screw driver

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CrazedElfStalker: Hahahaha, I'll make one just for you! (hands you a Legolas plushy) He says, "My Lady, I'm so glad I've found you!" and "She led me on for months and months" (complete with bottle-waving action!) and any other sayings are up to you. Don't be TOO dirty, now. :-P

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Gilraen Ar-Feiniel1: Yeah, wasn't it MADNESS? And I hope this is soon enough for you. ^_^

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dragon empress: Aww, just "kinda"? :-P POKE!

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Athena Diagon Cat: Well, Merry tried

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Megan Sleevewillow: Hehehehe, thanks. And he did! I named it Norman!

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The Akai-Sakura: Oh, they do. (pets Puppin doll and purrs) They most certainly do! You'll be in one, no worries. ;-)

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Dream Cast: Uh oh O_O

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Leo Cole: Sorry I missed you on AIM today. :-\ But I'm updating again, so hopefully that makes up for it.

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SailorKatoChanReborn: YOU LIVE! HUZZAH! 

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Meee: (gives you a Treebeard talking action figure that automatically sings whatever is currently on MTV in his slow, entish way) Thanks for the review! Hehehe!

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Kathryn Bushore: The Baddies never win! ^_~

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Anamaria Elentari: I wasn't about to type out that whole thing, hehehe. And Daisy ain't givin' you NUTHIN, Puppin!

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Random Character: Just poke back!

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Rachel the Insane Unicorn: That's what ANYONE would do, hehehehe. 

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Satara: Puppin needs to lay off the Old Toby. Oooh I always wanted one of these! (teaches partridge to whistle the Shire theme) Good birdie!

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FrodoFollower: So many people switching names so confusing hehehe. Me, too. But don't tell anyone, or they'll lose all respect for me! :-P

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Freaky Kiki: TOO LATE! Hehehe. That would be a lot of messages. Maybe if they were all different and entertaining or mildly threatening. :-P


	12. Exposition and a Word From Our Sponsers

Platy sighed heavily. "It's kinda funny that it's now, at the end of the year, when I have plenty that I really should be doing, that I decide to spend so much of my free time ficcing instead of doing homework. And I don't own anything, and so one, and so forth."

Jack lowered his bottle of rum, about to say something snide, and then abruptly spewed the recently-slugged mouthful of alcohol all over the floor in surprise. Platy looked disgusted.

"Ewww, what was that for?"

Jack pointed at the disclaimer with a trembling finger. "P p prose!" he managed to gasp out after a few seconds.

Platy rolled her eyes and nodded. "Yeah, another inconvenience courtesy of ff.net. Now, if there is chat format ANYWHERE in the chapter, the fic could be removed. That means no more fun disclaimers."

Will looked up from his tinker toys, wide-eyed. "They can't be fun anymore?!" 

Platy took pity on the stupider of her two muses. "No, of course not. I was exaggerating."

"So let me get this straight," Jack said slowly, wiping the rum off of his face with his sleeve. "You could write an atrocious, unoriginal Mary-Sue, or some fic packed with graphic sex and rape that is easily accessible to anyone of any age who wants to read it, and it's all right as long as it follows all of the technical rules?"

Platy nodded dispiritedly. "Yep."

"But if you wrote a wonderful, clever fic with nothing more inappropriate than a few naughty words, you could still have it booted off because there are too many colons in the disclaimer?!"

"That about sums it up," Platy said with a nod. Then she had a minor explosion. "This is so stupid! EVERYONE has disclaimers in 'chat' form! AND, in an attempt to fix my disclaimers, the ends of half the chapters got cut off, so I had to either find them and upload them for what was the THIRD time, or REWRITE them from MEMORY! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW FORKING PISSED OFF I WAS?!"

"Was?" Jack raised an eyebrow.

Platy sighed and shook her head sadly. "It's a dark day in ff.net history."

Will looked from the grim Platy to the horrified Jack and whimpered. "Can we _please_ just get on with the story?"

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Celestina Windbreaker sat moodily on her bed, located under a large, purple willow tree in her butterfly meadow. She was fuming. She had never anticipated her grounding to be such a bloody _nuisance_. 

"It's bad enough that I can only get quick glimpses of what that brat and her should-be lover-elf are doing when Mother is away," she said to her white tiger, J.J. "But now I have that Cathy girl in a positively twisted AU fic, and I can't even _watch_ and _enjoy_ it!" J.J. rowred in sympathy. "Oh, you're right," Celestina sighed, smiling benevolently as J.J. gnawed on a bunny. "It isn't like that girl is my main focus, anyway. The only reason I made her a Sue was to get her out of the picture, since Legolas was starting to fawn over her." J.J. cocked his head to one side adorably, a bit of sinew hanging out of the corner of his mouth. "Well, he _would_ have started to fawn over her! I can tell these things! I'm a goddess! I'd go down and fix it, but Mother keeps popping in to check on me she nearly caught me that last time." Celestina flopped backwards, then frowned and picked at nonexistent dirt specks on her lime green and beige zebra-print dress. J.J. tossed the mangled bunny remains into the air and swatted at them playfully with a massive paw. "Well, Carly will have her hands full trying to keep Merry and Pippin at bay. She won't be able to find her way out anytime soon. Legolas will _have_ to fall back in love with that brat! Then I can move on to something more interesting." 

She rolled over onto her stomach. "Tell me what you think of this one, J.J. Elizabeth Swann has an evil twin sister, Jennifallison, who is secretly working for Barbossa, but then she sees Will Turner and her cold, stone heart begins to melt like a Wicked Witch of the West in the shower" her eyes suddenly widened. "Oh my dad! The Wicked Witch of the West must have _never bathed_! EEEWWWW!!" She shook her hands in a classic teen freak-out gesture and fell off the bed. J.J. shook his head in mild annoyance at the high-pitched noise. "Don't be silly, J.J.," Celestina said as she picked herself up, "you can't dry-clean a witch!"

"You do realize," a new voice said, "that tigers can't talk, don't you?"

Celestina scowled at the intruder. "What are you doing in my room? How many times to I have to tell you _not_ to come in here?"

"Oh, stuff it," the intruder said casually. She leaned against the inaccurately silver and papery-barked trunk of the tree, her dark brown hair pulled back into a ponytail, wearing a long denim skirt and a black top. She looked around and wrinkled her nose. "This place looks like it came out of a Barbie commercial, sis. Why don't you redecorate?"

"Because I like it," Celestina sniffed. "It's far nicer and more airy than that hole you live in. Honestly, why don't you just move to earth and get an apartment?"

"It's not a hole just because it has walls and a ceiling," the new goddess said scornfully. "I need _something_ on which to pin my Theban Band posters, don't I?"

Celestina glared at her sister. "You're sick, Claralinda, you know that?"

"No more sick than _you_," Claralinda retorted. "I merely build on relationships that already exist. That's a far sight better than your inventing disgustingly perfect people to waltz around in the works and turn the canon characters' heads."

"Get out of my room," Celestina said flatly, her violet and gold eyes flashing angrily. "Your fics are a disgrace!"

"Oh, come on," Claralinda grinned nastily. "You know that Legolas and Aragorn secretly want each other"

"BLASPHEMY! OUT!" Celestina threw a fuzzy, pink pillow at her sister, who cackled and dodged it. "OUT! OUT!" She continued shrieking and throwing things until Claralinda disappeared with a smooth whoosh.

Celestina moped on her bed. J.J. dropped the bunny carcass on the bed and nudged it towards her in an attempt to cheer her up. "Ew," Celestina banished it to the floor with a wave of her hand and a shower of lavender-scented glitter, and then sighed heavily. "I can't believe I'm _related_ to her, J.J."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Well," Legolas said thoughtfully, "what got this goddess's attention last time?"

Randi furrowed her brow, remembering. "Boromir survived and the hobbits weren't captured. It was so grossly uncanon that she came down to fix it."

"Then it seems to me," Legolas said slowly, "that behaving in a 'canon' fashion is not the best way to get her to appear. It is the _uncanon_ behavior that gets her attention."

Randi narrowed her eyes in suspicion. "Well, you're already out of character. What else are you doing to do? Put on a hula skirt and dance around?"

"That was not what I had in mind," he said, looking sideways at her. Randi gave him a long, uncomprehending stare, then her eyes widened.

"Oh no," she said, shaking her head and backing up a step. "NO! I have a boyfriend!"

"You don't have to _mean_ it," Legolas said, rolling his eyes. "It might catch her eye."

"Catch her eye?!" Randi repeated incredulously. Then her eyes narrowed. "You just want an excuse to make out with me!" She pointed an accusing finger at Legolas, who looked thoroughly scandalized.

"I do not! I just want to get Lady Carrie back!"

"Aha! The truth comes out! You _like_ her, do you?"

Legolas's eyes flashed. "Maybe I do!"

"Well" Randi waved her arms for a moment. "Well, _fine_! _I_ don't mind!"

"Good!"

"Great!"

"Excellent!"

"Peachy!"

The two glared at each other for a moment.

"I think we should try the hula skirt," Randi said, breaking the silence.

"No!" Legolas scowled at her.

"You don't even know what a hula skirt is!"

"It doesn't sound flattering!"

"Oh, so you're willing to make out with me to get Carrie back, but not willing to do a little cross-dressing? Some boyfriend _you_ are!"

"I am not her boyfriend, and I don't see the point of dressing up like a fool when there is a quicker and easier way of getting her back!"

"Easy?! Speak for yourself!"

"I was!"

The two glared at each other again.

"This is ridiculous," Legolas said flatly.

"You got that right," Randi replied, sneering.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Carrie flapped the front of her dress back and forth until it was completely dry. Pippin and Merry were both still sulking. Pippin was sitting by the waterfall, though well away from the pool, and darting glances of increasing interest at the bowl of ent-draught. Merry was shuffling around about twenty feet away from Carrie with his hands in his pockets. He looked like he wanted to talk to her, but was too afraid of being smacked again to initiate a conversation. 

Carrie got sick of the constant leaf rustling and turned around to look at him. "Did you want something?" 

Merry looked at her in surprise, turned white and then pink in rapid succession, and then shook his head.

"You're hovering," Carrie said, rolling her eyes.

"I wasn't hovering," Merry said quickly, backing away.

"You were," Carrie stood up, brushing leaves off of her dress. "Is there something you wanted to say?"

"Um" Merry looked at her nervously. "No well yes." He looked down, cleared his throat, and shuffled some more. "I'm sorry."

Carrie raised her eyebrows. "Why are you apologizing to me? It wasn't MY head you were holding beneath the surface of the water." She looked him over and sighed, her eyes landing on his still bright-red cheek. Damn it. "Come here," she said, frowning at her own, stupid, wanting-to-make-everyone-else-feel-better nature. Merry nervously walked up to her. She stretched out her finger until it was almost touching his cheek, and the little gold sparkles went to work. Merry's eyes widened as the pain in his face disappeared, reaching up to touch his cheek in bewilderment. Then he frowned at her.

"But I should still apologize to you. I upset you."

"Yeah, well, murder tends to upset me." Carrie watched Merry shuffle for a moment, then rolled her eyes again. "Fine, I forgive you, for whatever that's worth."

"Yay!" Merry cried, hugging her. Carrie tolerated the hug for a moment, then wriggled away.

"Did you just say 'yay?!'"

Before Merry could reply, the air was shattered by a monstrous belch. Carrie and Merry whipped around to stare at Pippin, who looked a bit embarrassed.

"Damn, Pippin!" Merry said in a tone that was half-scolding, half-appreciating. 

"That was nasty," Carrie said flatly.

"Sorry," Pippin said meekly, sipping again at the large stone bowl of supposed water he was holding. He belched again, but this time it sounded faintly like the word 'dirrty.' 

Merry's eyes widened. "You just said something treeish!"

"Did not," Pippin retorted, taking another sip. The next burp sounded suspiciously like 'outrageous,' followed by a few more delicate burps that sounded like 'my', 'sex,' and 'drive.' With each burp, he also grew a little bit taller.

"You did something," Merry accused.

"That is _so_ nasty!" Carrie said again for emphasis. "Geez!" She stomped over to the other end of the clearing while Merry and Pippin commenced fighting over the ent-draught. She turned around just in time to see the two of them getting sucked in by a tree.

"Ah crap." She started to walk back over, wondering idly if there was anything she could do. She knew that Treebeard was going to show up at any minute, so she wasn't particularly frightened for the two hobbits.

"Stay back, Daisy," Merry warned, in protective mode.

"HELP!" Pippin yelped, in self-preservation mode as leaves started to pour down on him.

"It's okay," Carrie called down at them, making sure to stay well out of the tree's reach. "I'm sure Treebeard will be here any second, now!" With a last rustle of leaves, the hobbits were completely covered up. Carrie turned around, listening for the ent's approach.

Nothing.

A minute ticked by. No sign of Treebeard. 

"Um" Carrie stomped her feet a few times, then lapsed into her bad Treebeard impersonation. "Yoouuuuu should not be waking! Um something about digging deep and drinking water" She trailed off. The tree didn't move, and no ents showed up. "Crap!" She kicked a root. "Let them go, you big old jerk, or I'll chop you into bits and build a hut out of you, and I'll turn the hut into a house of sin, and then I'll BURN the hut, and then I'll pee on the ashes!"

Much to Carrie's surprise, it worked. The tree snapped open and expelled the two hobbits so vigorously that they flew several feet through the air and landed hard. They both started coughing and spitting up leaves, and the tree closed with another snap. Carrie got the impression that she had offended it. Fancy that. She looked impassively down at Merry and Pippin.

"You two all right?"

"YOU SAVED US!" Before Carrie could react, she found herself the filling of a grateful hobbit sandwich. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And now, for a word from our sponsers.

We see Legolas sitting in a classroom full of first-graders, crammed in one of those little desks. The smiling teacher at the front of the room looks around, holding up a copy of _Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus_. "And who would like to read the next passage?"

Every hand in the room except for Legolas's shoots right up, several of the kids making eager little "oooh" noises. Legolas just ducks his head and looks forlorn.

The scene changes, and now we see Thranduil, sitting on his throne and looking concerned. The King of the Wood elves starts to speak.

"Legolas is a smart boy, but he has always had trouble with reading. When he started using his reading report cards for target practice, I suspected that he wasn't working up to his full potential."

The scene cuts to Legolas, sitting in a chair and looking at the ground. He speaks in a halting monotone, as if he is using his new-found reading ability to read cue cards. "The-other-kids-in-my-class-used-to-make fun-of-me-because I-couldn't-read-good-like-they-could and-they-made-me-feel-stupid-and-in infeeer infeeerriiiii" his eyes tear up and he screams, "I CAN'T DO IT! IT'S TOO HARD!!" He then pulls out his bow and starts shooting arrows wildly. Someone screams. The cameraman starts cursing and quickly cuts away.

The camera cuts back to Thranduil, who starts looking all weepy. "I just hurt so much, seeing him struggle with his assignments." There is a brief shot of several well-known works of literature riddled with arrows. Thranduil continues, "Besides, he's going to be king someday! We can't have a functional illiterate on the throne! That would make us like like _America_!" He passes a trembling hand over his brow, then clears his throat and sits up. "That's when I heard about Hooked On Phonics."

The scene changes again, showing Alex Trebeck. "Is your child appallingly illiterate, like Legolas? There's hope! For just $59.95, you can buy Hooked On Phonics! We guarantee a significant improvement on your child's report card in four weeks, or your money back! Seriously!"

Cut back to Thranduil, who smiles. "Hooked On Phonics worked wonders for my son. Just the other day he wrote his first letter!" He proudly holds up a letter on which is scrawled: "Deer Ms. Hobbledopplez firzt-grad clas - f yu mak fun uv me nemor, I wil tak mi arrowz and shut yu all in tha HED! C f I DONT!!" 

Cut back to Legolas, who is pouting and reading cue cards again. "If-it-weren't-for-Hooked On-Phonics-I-would still-be-getting-Fs-in-all-my-classes instead-of-Cs."

Cut to Thranduil and Legolas. Thranduil wraps his arm around the sulking Legolas's shoulder and beams at the camera. "Thanks, Hooked On Phonics!"

Hehehehehehe review? (hopeful grin)

~Platy


	13. An Unexpected Addition

And yet another prose disclaimer. I've decided, regrettably, that I'm just going to do one big reviewer special feature at the end instead of including you all in the disclaimers. I know that I promised some of you that I would include you, and I feel terrible for going back on that but at the same time, I don't want to push any of the ff.net authorities' buttons. I've had one fic removed by them, and two more that I had to take down I think I'm just going to play it safe for a while; I don't want them deciding that this is "interactive" or some such nonsense. But there WILL be a big thingy at the end, I PROMISE. Anyway, I don't own Lord of the Rings, of course and I hope this chapter pleases. On with the story!

By the way, for what it's worth I think I'm going to have commercials at the end of every chapter to make up for it. ;-)

It has also come to my attention that some of you were offended by my indirect Bush-bashing from the last chapter. I am sorry if I upset any of you; that was not my intent. It was, like everything else I write, all in good fun. And, in my defense, it isn't like every comedian on earth hasn't already poked fun at the president's grammar/reading skills.

Also, if any of you haven't read the original Mockfest, now would be a good time to do so. And if you have, get ready for a treat. ;-)

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Treebeard chose that precise moment to show up. Merry and Pippin both refused to let go until finally Carrie just elbowed them both in the ribs.

"Whoops," she said innocently as the hobbits rubbed their sides. "Muscle spasm."

"Interesting custom," Treebeard said in his trademark slow monotone. "Now you three should come with me something is going to happen today that has not happened for an age."

"Canon?" Carrie piped up. Everyone looked confused, and Carrie sighed heavily.

"An ent-moot," Treebeard corrected a minute later, after the three hobbits were settled on his branches. Carrie was, once again, in the middle. Treebeard's speech slowed dramatically (if that was possible) as he walked apparently, the ent wasn't very good at multi-tasking. Carrie found that there was time to hold an entire conversation with passing birds while the ent focused on his vowels. Treebeard was now explaining how the trees had gone bad, which Carrie thought came elsewhere in the movie, but wasn't sure. She could have been mistaken, or the author could have just been lazy.

"Oh, I'm lazy!" chirped the author merrily.

"Figures," Carrie grumbled.

"Eeeeeeeeevvvvvvvvvvvvvvviiiiiiii-" Treebeard began.

"Hi there!" Carrie called up to an Oriole. The bird looked down at her suspiciously.

"Hey! This is MY territory!"

"And you're welcome to it," Carrie replied promptly, as if she actually knew proper bird etiquette and wasn't just pulling stuff out of her ass as she went. 

The bird fluttered onto Pippin's head and gave Carrie a sharp glance.

"Don't move," Carrie whispered to Pippin, who started to nod but quickly stopped himself, "or it'll poo on you." Then she turned politely back to the bird.

"Are you _sure_?" the bird asked.

"Quite positive."

"Well," the Oriole began, then suddenly turned around. "YOU! GET your tail OFF of that branch!" It flapped off to fight a rival. Pippin ran a hand through his hair and sighed with relief.

"-iiiiiiilllllllllllllll ffffffffeeeeeeesssssssssttteeeerrrrrrrrrrrrssssss" Treebeard continued doggedly. He strode past a blue jay, which opened its beak and started letting loose a string of insults and curse words that wouldn't have been out of place on an episode of Jerry Springer.

"Hey, you BLEEP piece of BLEEEEEEEEP BLEEP BLEEP refrigerator BLEEEP BLEEP (BLEEP) BLEEP dictionary BLEEEEP BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP and BLEEEEEEEEEEEEP to BLEEEP BEEP BLEEEP puppy!!"

"Wow," Carrie said after the bird had finished. "I want to write that one down."

"What did it just say?" Merry asked (apparently the fact that she could talk to animals was no secret. Heck, she'd probably spent the earlier part of the quest chatting it up with Bill the pony).

"It just said um hello."

"That took a long time for just a 'hello,'" Pippin observed.

"Well, blue jays are very uh formal. He had to give me his list of titles."

"What were they?" Merry pressed curiously. Carrie groaned inwardly.

"Uh, I've forgotten already. That's why I wished I could have written it down."

" iiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn tttthhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr hhhhhhhhheeeaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtttsssssssssssss"

"And there are too few, too few of you left to look after them," Carrie finished impatiently. "Are we there yet?"

"Nnnnnnnnnnnnnoooo-"

"Then more walking, less talking, please."

"Daisy!" Merry scolded.

"What? Did you _enjoy_ listening to that? We've been walking for five minutes and he has yet to finish a sentence!"

"No, but" Merry lowered his voice and jerked his head pointedly towards Treebeard, who was still formulating a response, "you should be more polite."

Carrie found herself suddenly, irrationally fuming. _"Polite?!"_ she hissed.

"Just be quiet, Merry," Pippin said, laying a comforting hand on Carrie's shoulder. "You're only upsetting her."

"Well, you don't have to go groping her every time she-"

"Groping?!" Pippin cut Merry off, looking outraged. "It's her _shoulder_! Groping would be if I-"

"If you even _try_ to forking demonstrate, I will smack you right the hell out of this ent!" Carrie threatened, rounding on Pippin.

"I wasn't going to!" he objected. "Merry was the one talking about groping, not me!"

"I wasn't talking about groping!"

"You said it first, didn't you?"

"ALL RIGHT!" Treebeard bellowed, stopping dead in his tracks, which effectively shocked all three hobbits into silence. "DO I HAVE TO TURN MYSELF AROUND?"

"Um no," Carrie said softly after a moment of shock.

"Good," the ent grumbled before continuing along as if nothing had happened.

The rest of the trip to the ent-moot clearing passed in uncomfortable silence. They stood in the middle of the clearing in further silence, and just as Carrie was starting to seriously contemplate jumping onto the tip of the pointy rock and singing "The Circle of Life," the sounds of approaching ents reached their ears.

One by one, they appeared out of the surrounding trees to stand in the clearing, their large eyes regarding the hobbits with curiosity. Soon, there were over half a dozen ents standing in a rough circle, swaying.

"Good, good, many have come" Treebeard intoned gravely. "Willows, represent."

An ent that strongly resembled a willow tree lifted one of its branch hands in an unmistakably ghetto gesture. "Holla," it replied in a rustling voice. Carrie shook her head hard, hoping she had just imagined it.

"Sycamores, represent."

"Holla."

Carrie shook her head harder.

"Are you all right, Daisy?" Pippin asked worriedly, laying a hand on her shoulder again. Merry coughed the word 'groping,' and the squabble resumed.

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"I am NOT going to put on this 'hula' skirt!" Legolas said, hands clenched.

"And I am NOT going to kiss you!" Randi shot back, planting her own hands on her hips. "So you'd just better wear that skirt and dance around!"

"Do you even _have_ a hula skirt?" Legolas asked, changing tactics. 

"Um no. But I bet I could find one!" Legolas looked smug, and Randi scowled. "I'm still NOT going to kiss you! I would rather DIE."

"That's a bit harsh!"

"It's more than a bit true!"

"Then what should we do? Your last idea didn't get us very far, did it?"

"Oh, and your idea has moved us oodles of distance!" Randi took an aggressive step forward.

"It isn't my fault you're refusing to cooperate!" Legolas stepped up to meet her. Any passerby would have thought, not inaccurately, that they were inches away from throttling one another.

"Who refused to wear the damn skirt?! Not ME!" Randi glared defiantly up at him.

"This is ridiculous!" Legolas roared in frustration, and before Randi could do a thing he'd grabbed her, kissed her full on the mouth, and shoved her away.

Randi stared at him in shock for a moment. Then all hell broke loose. "EEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!! YOU FORKING PERVERT!" Randi staggered away from Legolas and started spitting furiously.

"Ech," Legolas responded, wiping at his mouth and wrinkling his nose.

"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST FORKING DID THAT!" 

"I didn't enjoy it, for what it's worth." 

"AND WHAT WERE YOU WIPING YOUR MOUTH FOR?! And" Randi looked at the altar, then up at the sky, then around in a circle. "And it didn't work. It didn't work! IT DIDN'T FORKING WORK??!!!! YOU RAPED ME FOR NOTHING!!!"

"Well, you didn't cooperate. At least I tried," Legolas snapped impatiently. "And it wasn't _rape_; stop being melodramatic." 

"HEY! GODDESS OF CANON! HEY!!!" Randi screamed at the sky until her throat was raw, jumping up and down on the altar. "HEY! I JUST PUT UP WITH THAT ASSHAT KISSING ME, NOW YOU HAVE TO GET THE HELL DOWN HERE!! NOW!!!! HEY!!!!!!"

Nothing.

"That," Randi said sharply, rounding on Legolas, "was SO not worth it!" She hopped down from the altar and glared at him.

"I agree wholeheartedly," the elf shot back. "I can't believe I ever had feelings for you! I must have been out of my mind!"

"Well, at least you're finally willing to admit that much! That's a forking start!" She folded her arms and scowled. "I _hate_ you, and I'm forking _stuck_ with you! This SUCKS!"

"I want to find Carrie," Legolas muttered angrily, pacing. "That's it!" He straightened purposefully. Randi looked over at him from where she had been picking at some dirt on the altar.

"What's it?" she asked as if she was half-afraid of the answer.

"I'm getting out of here," the elf replied, striding into the woods. Randi followed him.

"Are you insane?! Where in the heck are you going to go?"

"To find Lady Carrie!" Legolas insisted, shaking off her hand when she tried to grab him.

"You! Aren't! Going! To! Find! Her!" Randi snapped, aghast. She latched onto his arm and dug her heels into the ground until he was forced to stop. 

"Well," Legolas said tightly, "at least if I get away from _you_, _something_ productive is bound to happen!" He shook her off again. 

"Well well, FINE! It's not like I WANT you to stick around! GO! Don't let this ROCK hit you on the way out!" She scrabbled in the foliage for a rock, found a stick instead, and threw it at him as hard as she could. It hit a branch and bounced viciously but harmlessly off to the side. 

Randi growled in frustration, then stormed back to the altar. Fine, she thought. Fine. It's done now. He'll go off into the woods and get lost or get bitten by a rattlesnake or find a neighboring town and hang out _there_. Either way, he was out of _her_ hair, and that was what mattered.

"Fork," she muttered under her breath. Legolas, as loath as she was to admit it, was her only key to Middle Earth, and indirectly the only key to her roommate. Sure, _he_ was gone but what was _she_ supposed to do? Tell everyone Carrie was _dead_? Randi sighed heavily and kicked a rock. It was no use; she had to go after him and coax him back somehow. But the elf had a good head start, he was walking faster than she was, and she didn't know where he was going. How in the heck was she going to find him?

Her musing was rudely interrupted by a loud bang, accompanied by a bright burst of fuchsia light, which emanated from the altar. Billowing waves of lilac-scented smoke rolled over Randi, who squinched her eyes shut and coughed, throwing up an arm against the onslaught. A moment later, her arm was bumped to the side, and a large, gray nose whuffled into her face.

_Hi!_ _Remember me? I hope so, because I sure remember you! We had so much fun and you helped me figure out LOADS about dirt, and-_

Randi groaned and lowered her arm. She opened one eye gingerly, and found her entire field of vision blocked by the head of a large white stallion. "Ed?!"

_You DO remember me!_ Ed tossed his head happily. _Isn't this wild? I was just grazing in my field, thinking about how you left me at that fish-dirt place_

"Amon Hen," Randi corrected, looking at the horse in utter disbelief.

_Yeah, that place,_ Ed nodded eagerly. _Oh, I was so sad, but then I got over it. But now I'm here all of a sudden, and, and YOU'RE here, too!_ He pawed the ground and bumped Randi enthusiastically with his nose, causing her to stagger back a pace. _We can have FUN again! Ooh, what's this stuff?_ He lowered his head to snuffle curiously at the maintenance department's parking lot beneath their feet.

"That's asphalt it's like super-dirt," Randi explained.

_SUPER-dirt?!?!_ Ed looked up sharply, so excited he nearly fell over.

"Yeah" Randi shook her head slowly, part of her stubbornly refusing to believe this was real. It was bad enough that she had to deal with the elf; now she had a HORSE?! 

_But nothing is growing from it,_ Ed observed.

"Well that's because it's so super, the grass would feel bad about itself if it grew from it. Say," Randi changed the subject swiftly, "remember that elf? The one that liked me?"

_Oh, yeah. He dragged you away from me._ I _wanted you to stay! It wasn't very nice of him! Oh, he made me so mad, I almost wanted to BITE him, but that would be bad_

"No!" Randi corrected, "No, it would be GREAT if you bit him! The problem is," she adopted an expression of exaggerated frustration, "I don't know where he is. He just went running off into the woods and I can't find him! Do you think _you_ could find him?"

Ed lifted his head and sniffed the air for a minute. _Oh, yes, I know where he went. But why do you want to find him? You hated him, I remember!_

"If you find him, I will let you bite him as hard as you want!" Randi said desperately.

_Hey, yeah?_ Ed looked thoughtful for a moment. He looked sideways at Randi. _As hard as I want?_

"You can draw _blood_ if you want to," Randi nodded.

_Well, heck yeah!_ Ed did a large, boisterous rear, then landed and tossed his head a few times. _Yeah, hop on! We'll get him!_ Randi noticed with a touch of relief that the horse was wearing a saddle, at least. She struggled onto his back, actually missing her half-elven grace, and then the two of them shot into the woods.

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The scene opens on Pippin, sitting on a barstool in the Green Dragon. He looks at the ale list, brow furrowed in concentration. The bartender walks up with a weary expression on his face, as if Pippin has been sitting there for a very long time, mulling over the list.

"Look," the bartender says, "either you're thirsty or you're not."

"Oh," Pippin looks up guiltily. "Uh, I'll have I'll have" he looks frantically over the list, beads of sweat starting to stand out on his brow. His lips move soundlessly, as if he's talking to himself or trying very, very hard to untangle some of the words on the list. "Uh um that one." he finally just points to a name. The bartender rolls his eyes, snatches the list back, and waddles over to the tap to get him whatever it is that he chose. Pippin slumps against the counter, head in hands.

The scene changes to Pippin sitting on a chair in his parlor, looking sorrowfully at the camera. "It took me forever to order an ale at the Green Dragon, because I couldn't read any of the names! Half the time I got something nasty I didn't even like! Every trip to the pub was an ordeal."

The scene cuts back to Pippin at the pub. He gets his drink, sniffs at it suspiciously, then takes a tentative sip. He grimaces and shoves the glass away. The shove is more enthusiastic than he intends, and the glass topples off the other end of the counter and shatters behind the bar. 

"What the hell are you doing?!" the bartender snaps, then screams as he steps on a piece of glass in his naturally bare feet. 

The scene cuts to Pippin being forcibly expelled from the Green Dragon. He lands on the dirt with an unceremonious ker-BONK! and lies there in a heap, sobbing.

The scene cuts to Merry looking both concerned and a bit exasperated. 

"We couldn't take my cousin anywhere. His illiteracy always got him into trouble. Like the time he got himself arrested for having an illegal strain of mushroom on his person. He'd stolen them all from Farmer Maggot, of course and he hadn't meant to steal the 'bad' ones, but he couldn't read the damn labels! It was bound to happen, with all the stuff Maggot has growing in his basement and him not being able to tell the difference." A few mug shots of Pippin looking terrified flash across the screen.

The scene changes back to Pippin in his parlor.

"Being arrested was a low point for me. I thought I was going to keep on getting in trouble or else have to stop stealing food and going to bars. None of those options really appealed to me. I thought I had no way out." He looks forlorn. 

The scene changes back to Merry, who sighs and smiles a little bit.

"That's when we heard about Hooked on Phonics. We had tried other card games, like poker and blackjack, but none of them did a thing to help Pippin become a better reader, even if his gambling skills did drastically improve. Hooked on Phonics was different. Pippin learned how to read and had unhealthy amounts of fun at the same time!" There is a brief shot of Pippin throwing down a hand of cards (THE CAT LOVES TO DANCE) in front of Merry, who scowls and chucks his own hand (BIRD PUPPY THE CAN REFRIGERATOR) across the room.

The scene cuts back to Pippin. 

"Hooked on Phonics really worked for me! Now I don't get into trouble anymore, and I never accidentally order drinks that I hate!" There is a shot of Pippin in the Green Dragon, confidently ordering a drink from the bartender, who grins at him before hobbling over to the tap on his crutches and carrying the drink back in his ["shit," the author hissed, having written herself into a corner] teeth. His strong teeth. And magic dislocating jaw. Happy music plays in the background. Pippin takes a swig of the beverage, grins, and gives the camera an enthusiastic thumbs-up. The scene changes to Pippin sneaking around in Farmer Maggot's basement. His hand hovers over some bright purple mushrooms, but then he notices the sign that labels the mushrooms as HALLUCINOGENS. He waggles his finger playfully at the sign, shakes his head and grins at the camera, and then moves on down the line to find white mushrooms labeled NORMAL AND PERFECTLY LEGAL. He starts stuffing the white ones into a sack, pausing to beam at the camera and give another thumbs up. 

The scene cuts back to Pippin and Merry, eating the mushrooms and ordering mug after mug of ale at the Green Dragon. 

"Thanks, Hooked on Phonics!" they say in unison, "You really worked for us!"

"Well," Merry amends, pointing to Pippin. "For him. I can read just fine."

Hehehehe ahem. Review? 

Platy


	14. Platy pulls another fast one!

Platy limped into the disclaimer. "Man," she complained, "moving into the new dorm has me all gimpy" She stopped in her tracks and looked around in confusion. "Where the heck are my muses?"

"We're heemmmph!" Will started to reply from somewhere out of sight, but was promptly muffled. Platy frowned.

"Where are you two hiding? Get out here!"

"No!" Jack shouted rebelliously from his hiding place. "We bloody will not!"

Platy sighed heavily. "Why are you hiding?"

"Jack thinks mmmmph!"

"You bloody well forgot about us last time, didn't you?" Jack shouted in accusation. "An entire disclaimer nearly a PAGE LONG, and there wasn't even a mention of either of us!"

Platy shook her head. "Well, I'm sorry! I had a lot to think about, and a lot needed to be said."

"WE COULD HAVE SAID IT!"

"Well," Platy stamped a paw impatiently, "get the heck out here instead of sulking and you can do the darned disclaimer!"

A hidden panel in the wall was shoved out and fell to the floor with a clunk, and a very dusty William Turner crawled out, sneezing. Jack followed and stood up, brushing off his shoulders and looking disgruntled. Platy stared at the two of them without commenting, then turned and scribbled something onto a piece of paper. She handed it to Jack and sat down.

Jack squinted at the paper, then cleared his throat. "Platy does not own Lord of the Rings or Pirates of the Caribbean. She does, however, own Randi, Carrie, Ed, Celestina, Claralinda, and the GoC. Oh, and J.J. and Ferdinand the Great."

Will snatched the paper from Jack and, to the surprise of just about everyone present, began to read it. "She also has some things to say in response to reviewer questions and comments. Freaky Kiki, the commercials do not effect the chapter length at all what you get story-wise is what you get, regardless of what's tacked onto the end. Rose-" Will's eyes widened, then he fell into a dead faint. Jack neatly caught the paper as Will fell and smoothly continued.

"-blade, Midwesterners UNITE! You might actually be quite close to us, as we are near the Wisconsin border. And Skimbleshanks, we know that improper ratings could get a fic removed, but we aren't quite sure what you or anyone would have found R-worthy." His brow furrowed in confusion, and he turned to Platy. "Is this fic underrated?"

Platy stopped poking Will and looked up. "Um, I don't think so everyone seems to pretty much like it no flames or anything."

Jack rolled his eyes. "No, I mean, should it be rated R instead of PG-13?"

Platy blinked in shock. "Um I don't think so. I dunno, what do the reviewers all think? Am I pushing the rating? Let me know darn it Skimble, now you're worrying me! Let's move on with the story!"

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Claralinda sat in her room, staring through her computer with a thoughtful expression on her face. The walls and ceiling were covered in computer-generated images of various same-sex fictional characters in compromising positions; everything from the Fellowship (pick any combination, it was there) to Harry Potter to crossovers, including one picture of every character Johnny Depp had ever played tangled together in a mass. Many people would have found the posters disgusting at most and mildly inappropriate or disturbing at least. To slashers, however, they were the gospel of love.

Deep maroon carpeting covered the floor, which was bare except for an obese iguana named Ferdinand the Great. He rarely moved, preferring to lie under a very tiny sun Claralinda had conjured up and bask. Claralinda found him inspiring, though she couldn't quite say why. But his mounting obesity worried her, so she now had the sun moving very slowly around the room, forcing him to move a bit as well if he wanted the heat.

There was no bed or any furniture besides the chair she was perched on and the computer that hovered in front of her. A bed was unnecessary because she didn't really need to sleep neither did Celestina, for that matter, but her sister kept a bed because she liked anything that could conceivably have ruffles or frills attached. Claralinda preferred to focus more on her work and less on decoration.

At the moment, however, Claralinda wasn't writing. Her fics took far less work than Celestina's, as all she really had to do was tweak with the sexual preferences of the characters already in existence and then sit back and watch things go. "I am a clockmaker," she often said of herself. But since her fics didn't require too much meddling after the initial changes, it left her more time to ponder things, like whether there was any textual support for a Gollum-Frodo-Sam love triangle, and if not, whether existing text could be warped _into_ support for a Gollum-Frodo-Sam love triangle.

Right now, however, she was pondering revenge.

It wasn't that Celestina had really _angered_ her earlier. It wasn't that concrete and simple. It was more of a general loathing for her sister than prompted her scheming. She just didn't much like her sister, unless Celestina was angry. When Celestina was angry, she became amusing. Claralinda liked being amused, and she liked irritating her sister, and she was bored. Some revenge would be just what the doctor ordered.

Claralinda lifted a hand and waved it in a circular gesture. A Magic 8-ball formed in midair and dropped neatly into her palm. The goddess leaned back in her chair and shook the ball vigorously. "Should I do something nasty to Celestina?" She tipped the ball over and looked at it. "Signs point to yes! Excellent!" She shook it again. "What should I do?" She tipped it over again. "Concentrate and ask again I _was_ concentrating!" She squinched her eyes shut and repeated the process. "Yes, definitely," she read. "Well, that helps me. This thing is a piece of junk." She tossed the ball up into the air, and it burst into flames. Claralinda cackled; she was a bit of a closet pyromaniac. Ferdinand didn't even blink; he was used to seeing things burn.

"Well," Claralinda said as soon as the ashes of the ball had dissolved into thin air, "I'm sure I can think up some appropriate punishment without the help of a cheap, spherical piece of plastic with Windex and a floating pyramid thing inside." She leaned back further, nibbling her lower lip thoughtfully.

Ferdinand turned his head very slowly, and Claralinda glanced at him. Yes. There it was. She had an idea. And it was quite delicious in nature. The only problem was that there was a high probability of retaliation. Claralinda wasn't quite convinced that the immense satisfaction of doing what she planned to do would balance out the irritation of having it immediately done to _her_. Then she shook her head and giggled. She could do far more damage than Celestina could, and Celestina's reaction would be highly amusing, indeed. Now all Claralinda had to do was pick one.

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Randi and Ed cantered through the woods, Ed making a special effort to move quietly. Randi knew he wanted to sneak up on Legolas, but was a bit doubtful that a forking _horse_ would be able to manage it. It didn't help that all of the elven grace and sneakiness she had ever possessed was long gone; it was all she could do to stay on the saddle and not get swiped by branches.

_Sheesh,_ Ed remarked as they emerged onto a cut grass path, _you're nowhere near as good a rider as you used to be! We'll have to get you back in shape!_

"Just try to be a bit less bouncy," Randi replied, clutching his mane for dear life.

_Watch the mane! You're going to tangle it!_ Ed complained, tossing his head irritably. _Goodness! What happened to you?_

"Well, I'm not an elf anymore, for starters," Randi grumbled, and Ed snorted in surprise.

_Not an elf? But but you were always an elf before! Are you some kind of shape-shifter? Just don't turn into a wolf; I don't like them or better yet, turn back into an elf! Then you won't tangle my mane and sit so heavy anymore!_

"I was never _really_ an elf to begin with," Randi explained irritably. "I was turned into a half-elf by an evil goddess, and now I'm back to normal. This is how I really _am_, Ed."

_Really?_ Ed turned his head and regarded her with one large, brown eye. _Well, you're still cool! And we're still friends! And pretty soon you'll be a better rider and oh, wait we're getting close_ Ed slowed to a trot, then to a walk. They eased around a bend in the path, to be confronted with Legolas's back. The elf had stopped and stiffened, knowing something was amiss. He whirled around and found himself face-to-nose with Ed, who flattened his ears.

"Is this that horse from Lothlórien? What on earth is he doing - OW!" Legolas jumped back and rubbed his arm where Ed had chomped on it. "He bit me!"

"Well, I told him he could," Randi shrugged, not feeling particularly sorry for the elf at all.

"Why did you follow me?" The elf scowled at them both. "I am trying to find Lady Carrie, and I do not appreciate being hindered!"

"I'm not hindering you," Randi said, leaning down onto Ed's neck. "Anyway, there's not much point in me going back with Ed. I might as well search with you."

"Oh, so now you want to _help_ me?" Legolas raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"Yes, and you might as well accept it," Randi shrugged. "You can't outrun us, and Ed can find you if you try. How do you think I found you in the first place?"

"Well," he sighed, "I suppose I can't get rid of you. Fine, you may follow me, but if you hinder my search in any way, I'll shoot the horse -" Ed tossed his head and snorted nervously "-and leave you alone in the forest."

"Fair enough," Randi said evenly, rolling her eyes as soon as the elf had turned away. He was acting like they weren't within an hour's walking distance of civilization.

They walked or rode in silence for a while well, silence except for Ed's occasional mental mutterings or comments about the surrounding dirt. Randi stared at the back of Legolas's head. Was it really possible that he no longer liked her at all anymore? If so, it was just about better than Christmas! He was almost pleasant company when he wasn't constantly trying to hit on her. And well, if he wasn't going to make constant advances and be annoying, then friendship seemed preferable to bitter enmity.

"Hey, Legolas?"

"What?" came the sharp reply.

"You're no fun when you're hitting on me but you're no fun when you're PMSing, either."

"PMSing?"

"Acting grumpy," Randi clarified.

"Why shouldn't I act grumpy? Lady Carrie is missing, you're following me, and that horse _bit_ me! I have nothing to be cheerful about!"

"Well, you should lighten up some, is all I'm saying," Randi said carefully. "I mean I don't hate you."

"I wouldn't mind if you did." Legolas frowned as he strode along.

"I was only angry because you were always hitting on me. I don't mind you when you're acting more normal."

"Well, many thanks for your assessment," the elf replied sarcastically.

Randi rolled her eyes, then nudged Ed around so the horse was blocking the elf's path (something Ed was more than willing to do). Legolas stopped and scowled up at Randi. "What?!"

"Look," Randi said flatly, "you, as unpleasant as that may be for the both of us, are my only link to Middle Earth besides Ed here, and my only link to my friend. Personally, I think this whole wandering into the bluffs thing is idiotic, but if you insist on doing so, I'm not letting you out of my sight on the off chance that something constructive _does_ happen. Now, you can either continue sulking like a forking five-year-old, or you can accept it and lighten the fork up!"

Legolas's nostrils flared briefly in anger, then he sighed and slumped a little. "Fine. I shall try to be more cheerful."

"Good," Randi nodded firmly. The three resumed traveling. After a moment Randi offered, "Truth or dare?"

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Carrie, Merry, and Pippin had been rapidly expelled from the ent-moot because of their bickering. It was just as well as far as Carrie was concerned, since she found the whole proceeding immensely boring. At least if she wasn't included, she didn't have to be polite and pretend to be interested.

She also didn't have to pretend to be anything but incredibly miserable about her whole situation. Being in Middle Earth was doing odd things to her emotions. Every time she was cheerful or at least normal, it was soon followed by a period of crushing depression. Although being trapped in ME wasn't her idea of hell, it was still not something she enjoyed too much, and the realization that she really wasn't happy or okay with things kept hitting her every time she almost thought she was. So, while the ents swayed back and forth and harroomed at one another, she wandered a short distance into the surrounding forest, sat down by a little babbling brook, and commenced wallowing in self-pity.

She didn't cry this time. She just stared at the water and quietly hated everyone and everything, and mourned the fact that she still had to deal with everyone and everything. And it certainly didn't help that anytime she was down at all, Merry and Pippin nearly fell over themselves being all sensitive and caring and trying to make her feel better. If she shooed one away, the other would come over, and if she shooed them both away, they hovered in the background for a while and then tried again. It was like they were both mosquitoes and she was the only source of blood in a ten-mile radius. She finally just said something extremely rude regarding their behavior, their heritage, and several barnyard animals. They backed off. Merry settled down for a nap, and Pippin followed suit. Carrie was immensely grateful for the break.

Unfortunately, it did not last very long. As soon as Pippin was asleep and snoring lightly, Merry sat up straight and brushed himself off. He had been wide-awake the entire time. Carrie continued staring stubbornly into the stream as he sat down a short distance away from her, watching her warily out of the corner of his eye. After a few uncomfortable minutes, Merry broke the silence.

"Look I know that you're upset and that I'm most likely annoying you right now, but I really just wish you would feel better." He said this facing the stream, not even making eye contact, but he turned his head slightly to catch Carrie's reaction. He didn't get one. Carrie continued staring at the stream, a faint frown on her face as she wished for him to leave. She _hated_ being in a miserable mood it made them more canon seeming and her weaker. If he would just go away

"Daisy? Did you even hear me?" Merry leaned forward to peer at her. Carrie sighed inwardly; clearly she wasn't going to get him to leave.

"I don't want to be here," Carrie said quietly, refusing to look at Merry.

The hobbit just looked relieved that she had spoken. He turned so he was facing her and leaned forward a bit. "I know."

"No," Carrie said in a slow, calm voice, "I really don't think you do."

"I understand that you don't want to be a part of this war. But we _have_ to fight, Daisy, in any way we can!" Building up steam, he scooted closer and gripped her hand. "We have to beat this evil, and then we can return to the Shire, and -"

"I don't," Carrie interrupted coldly, jerking her hand out of his, "want to 'return' to the Shire."

Merry blinked. This was clearly unexpected. "Of course you do," he stammered uncertainly, completely thrown off.

"No, actually, I don't," Carrie snapped.

"But it's your home. It's" he turned a bit pink, _"our_ home, Daisy"

"No, it isn't." Her voice, which had started out almost calm, grew steadily more frantic and angry as she continued. "It isn't my home, and this isn't my war, and this isn't my _life_! Can you understand _that_?" She stood up, trembling, and started to stalk upstream.

Merry, of course, followed her. "No," he cried almost angrily, "I can't!" He caught up to her and gently but firmly turned her around so she was facing him. Or, rather, facing his chest because she refused to look up at him. "Daisy," he almost begged, "will you _please_ tell me what's really wrong?" He lowered his head in an attempt to meet her eyes, but she turned her head to the side.

"I already did. Let me go."

"Are you trying to make me believe that you don't care about this world at all? I _know_ that's not true; you're not like that!"

"You don't know what I'm like," Carrie wrenched herself out of his grasp and stumbled back a few paces, glaring at him.

"Maybe I don't know you as well as I could, or as well as I'd like to, but I do know some things about you," Merry took a tentative step forward. Carrie took a step back, shaking her head. Why did he have to _do_ this to her?

"I know that you're intelligent," he said, taking another step forward. "I know that you're kind."

"Stop it," Carrie said, voice shaking. He ignored her request.

"I know that you care about other people more than you're probably willing to admit." He took another cautious step. Carrie stood rooted to her current location, still shaking her head.

"Stop it" she said again, pursing her lips and staring at the ground in anguish.

"I know that you're selfless you healed me even though you were angry with me. I haven't forgotten that." Another ruthless step.

"Stop?" Carrie requested more than ordered as she buried her reddening face in her hands. This was _unbearable_.

"I know that you're one of my best friends," Merry continued in a rush, still moving towards her, "and I know that I care about you, and I know that you can't have really meant what you said before. The only thing I _don't_ know is why you're so unhappy, because you won't tell me and it's driving me _mad_." He gently pried Carrie's hands away from her very pink face and looked earnestly down at her. "The last thing I want," he said quietly, "is for you to be miserable. I can't stand it."

Carrie looked up at him like a very flattered deer caught in headlights. She couldn't have moved even if she wanted to and she wasn't so sure that she wanted to. Seeing that she wasn't about to run away again, he released her hands and tentatively brought one of his up to her cheek, caressing it lightly with his thumb.

"I forgot something," he said gravely, his eyes capturing hers and effectively holding them hostage.

"What?" Carrie managed, barely, to say.

"I also know," he said with a tiny, wistful smile, "that you are the most beautiful lass I've ever laid eyes on."

"Oh," Carrie replied intelligently, her brain a puddle of mush. So she offered no resistance as Merry leaned down and gently, timidly brushed his lips against her own.

"Daisy!"

The sharp cry brought Carrie back to her senses like a bolt of lightning. NOBADWRONG lanced through her brain, and she jumped away from Merry as if kicked by a horse. She whirled around to see where the shout had come from; Pippin was standing a short distance away, looking stricken.

"Daisy," he said again, his eyes starting to tear up, "how _could_ you?!"

Carrie opened her mouth, not sure exactly what to say. Pippin stared heart-brokenly at her. Merry stared at Pippin in shock. Pippin continued to stare heart-brokenly at her. Merry continued to stare at Pippin in shock.

It took Carrie a moment to realize time had frozen.

"Oh god!" she cried, clapping her hands to her burning cheeks as she surveyed the frozen, silent scene. "What have I done?"

"First of all, it's god_dess_," a voice said from behind Carrie, "and secondly, _I_ did it, not you. I thought I felt near-canon and wanted to check it out."

Carrie spun around in shock to behold a tall, strikingly beautiful woman in a denim skirt and black top. "A goddess? But you're not Celestina" Carrie's heart leapt with sudden hope. "Are you the goddess of canon?"

"Please," the goddess rolled her eyes. "The goddess of canon is my _mother_. I am Claralinda." She looked sharply at Carrie. "You know my sister?"

"Of course I know her! She's the one who put me here!"

"Put you here?" Claralinda furrowed her unblemished brow. "You mean you're not from this universe?"

"Of course not! I'm from earth!"

"Putting civilians in her fics she's more twisted than I thought" the goddess muttered to herself, shaking her head.

"Oh, god, can you get me out of here? Please? I'll do _anything_ -"

"God_dess_," Claralinda corrected again, irritably. "And, as much as I would like to, I can't remove you. That's something only my sister can do."

Carrie let out a miserable little wail and sat down dispiritedly. "But I have to get _out_ of here! They're being all stupid and romantic and I don't know how much longer I can _take_ it!" She buried her face in her hands. "I swear I'm either going to go crazy, kill myself, or make out with one or both of them! _I can't do this_!" She twitched.

"I am sorry," Claralinda said, and she looked it. "I can't help that my sister's a freak, sadly." She looked from Carrie to Merry and Pippin a few times, and a large, rather nasty grin split her features. "I can't remove you from the fic but I may be able to help you another way"

Carrie climbed to her feet. "How?" she asked desperately.

"Oh, you'll see." Claralinda disappeared with a classy whoosh. Time lurched backwards a few moments, then resumed. Only this time, Pippin's anguished gaze was not focused on her.

"Merry," the hobbit choked out, "how _could_ you?!"

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HEHEHEHEHE! (kicks heels delightedly) It totally took me FOREVER to write that, but there it is! And now I'm all tired, so no commercial. I do, however, have a few announcements.

One, you should all go to my bio if you haven't recently. There is, at long last, a new chapter of Croc Huntah up on my fic LJ, and if you want to be involved, you need to go leave a comment.

Two, Minty wants to do something to Pippin.

Pippin wandered in and stood on the large X Platy directed him towards.

"Can we make this quick? I need to go be anguished," he said. Before any more could be spoken, Minty ran in, scooped him up, and kissed him passionately. After a few minutes, Platy glanced at her watch and poked Minty on the shoulder.

"You can stop now."

Minty sighed, gave Pippin's cheek one last lick, then set him down. The hobbit staggered woozily away.

Okay, that's all. Please review and let me know if the rating really is too low! Dude, that so rhymed

Platy


	15. Twitch

Platy, Will, and Jack sat down at a large round table with all of their reviewers, with three little mics in front of them. Will proceeded to poke his mic repeatedly and giggle until Jack smacked his shoulder.

"I have a few announcements to make," Platy said importantly, clearing her throat. "First of all, know that I have no strong feelings on slash fiction either way. I don't read it, and this is the closest I'm ever going to get to writing it. Although I do think that some of the pairings people come up with are a bit ridiculous, to each his own, freedom of speech and all that."

Jack leaned forward. "Like me and Will here, for example. Even if he wasn't the mental equivalent of a pre-schooler, I still wouldn't be dragging him into broom closets or anything like that." A slightly disturbed look flashed across his face as a thought struck him. "Last disclaimer? When we were in that hidden compartment? Nothing happened, understand? I silenced him with my _hand_, not any other part of my anato-"

"All right, Jack," Platy smoothly interrupted, "we get it. You and Will aren't involved, thank god."

"What does 'involved' mean?" Will stopped twirling his pith helmet and looked over at Platy.

"It means that you are very, _very_ good friends who like to get frisky," Platy explained.

"But Jack and I _are_ really good friends! Aren't we, Jack?"

"Not like that, lad."

"Moving right along!" Platy flipped through the small stack of notecards she had placed in front of her. "Anyway, I'm not out to offend or upset anyone; never have been, never will be." More flipping. "Oh, yes. Some of you seem to be under the impression that since it is slashy, it's going to suddenly become dirty and graphic." She sighed, shook her head, and set her notecard down. "Honestly, you people have nothing to worry about. There is a reason that none of my fics are romances. I don't have the talent or energy for them. Remember Merry and Carrie's encounter last chapter? That, as far as this fic is concerned, is third base, okay? And it took me way the hell too long to write. So those of you talking about bleaching your eyes have nothing to worry about. Nothing inappropriate is going to happen; I _promise_. Oh, and one more thing there was a misunderstanding concerning Skimble's remark. No one was suggesting that this fic was improperly rated, after all. So that's cleared up." She sat back in her chair and sighed. "Someone do the disclaimer."

Jack leaned forward. "Platy doesn't own Lord of the Rings, Pirates of the Caribbean, or anything else that appears that obviously does not belong to her. She does, however, own Celestina, Claralinda, Randi, Carrie, Ed, J.J., and Ferdinand the Great."

"On with the story!" Will bellowed into his microphone, nearly deafening the reviewers and causing Platy to topple out of her chair.

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Carrie gaped. Had Pippin just said what she'd thought he'd said?!

"Oh, Eru" Merry looked from Carrie to Pippin a few times, then turned to Pippin. "I don't know what came over me, Pip I just" he started to reach for his cousin.

"No!" Pippin jerked back, switching rapidly from anguished to furious. "I don't want to hear your excuses!" Back to anguished. "I I thought we had something _special_!"

As everything became brutally clear, Carrie realized she had been holding her breath and released it with a loud "Pshfwgaahhh!!" She clapped her hand over her mouth, but neither hobbit was paying any attention to her.

"Pippin," Merry said with a tortured expression on his face, "I'm _so sorry_"

"You're COUSINS!" Carrie yelped. Still they ignored her.

"If you don't love me anymore," Pippin said, getting all teary, "why don't you just _tell_ me instead of messing around with _her_ behind my back?! It's not fair to me, Merry!"

"I don't love _her_," Merry cried, gesturing towards Carrie over his shoulder. "Pippin, you know that you're all I ever wanted"

Deciding that this was too good an opportunity to pass up, Carrie placed her hands on her hips and tried to look offended. "That's not what you told me last night, Merry!"

That got their attention. Merry whirled around, glaring furiously at her. "Nothing happened last night!" He turned desperately back to his cousin. "Pippin, nothing happened, I don't feel _anything_ for her!"

"That's not what you just said!" Carrie brought her hand dramatically to her brow. "You told me I was the most beautiful lass you'd ever seen! And now I find out that you _lied_?!" She managed to conjure up a tear, feeling like an actress in a really bad soap opera. "You can't always have the best of both worlds, Merry! You can't toy with our emotions like this! Oh, the pain, the pain!" She buried her face in her hands and pretended to cry.

"Did you really say those things, Merry?"

"No, Pip, you know I would never-"

"Don't call me Pip!" The hobbit scowled, shaking his head. "My name is Peregrine only my _friends_ call me Pip!"

"My heart has been torn in two! Oh, Rhett, Rhett, whatever shall I do? Wherever shall I go?" Carrie staggered around, fanning herself with one hand and making dramatic gestures with the other. "I do declare, all of this talk of lies and deceit has positively given me the vapors!" She sat down, still fanning. This, she thought with an inward squeal of manic delight, was _great_!

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Celestina flopped on her very frilly bed and yawned. There was nothing to _do_, and it was driving her mad. If only her mother would leave for some reason she could check on Legolas and Randi's progress. And Ed, the goddess corrected herself mentally. She had sent the horse along in the hopes that that Randi girl would use him to find Legolas. The horse would also serve as another reason the girl couldn't simply forget Legolas and Middle Earth existed and attempt to go about her normal life and not fall madly in love with the elf like she was supposed to.

"Celestina?" The Goddess of Canon materialized underneath the willow tree and looked around with thinly veiled disgust.

"What do you want?" the Goddess of Mary-Sues looked up at her mother with disgust that wasn't veiled at all.

"I'm going to a party," the Goddess of Canon replied, jerking the hem of her dress away from J.J.'s damp, questing nose in the nick of time. "I might not be back for a few days; your father's throwing it, and you know how he gets"

"Right," Celestina said dully, bewitching the remains of the rabbit to hop about. J.J. leaped up and began to chase it.

"That's grotesque," the Goddess of Canon watched the twisted spectacle for a moment, then shook her head briskly. "Anyway, if I find out from your sister that you've been _messing_ with anyone or anything, you're in a colossal mound of dragon dung. Understand?"

"Yes, mother," Celestina intoned, rolling her eyes. "I don't fancy being grounded any more than I already am, thanks."

"That's the spirit." The Goddess of Canon snapped her fingers and both herself and (to J.J.'s dismay) the twitching rabbit carcass disappeared.

Celestina leaned back on the bed and closed her eyes. She couldn't feel her mother's presence anywhere in the house; she was definitely gone. And since she was a goddess, forgetting things wouldn't be an excuse to come back; she could just poof whatever she needed to her. Still, she should probably wait a while, just in case

To her credit, Celestina did manage to wait for nearly three minutes. Then she rushed to her computer (which was growing out of the tree like some odd parasite) to check on Legolas and _her_. They were still strolling through the woods, apparently arguing. Well, that was fine; witty banter always turned to love eventually. The goddess sat back with a sigh of satisfaction. Things were going better than she had hoped.

"I wonder what that other girl is up to Candy or whatever her name was" Celestina leaned forward and clicked over to that story. She read the most recent paragraph.

She read it again.

Her eyes widened.

She scrolled up with a mew of horror; _this could not be happening_

But it was.

The butterfly meadow rang with her shriek of rage.

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Claralinda was lying on her floor, staring into Ferdinand's sleepy eyes with intense concentration when her sister barged in.

"YOU!!!" Celestina pointed at her sister with a shaking, perfectly manicured finger. "How - how - how DARE you?!"

"What?" Claralinda smiled lazily. "Is something wrong?"

"IS SOMETHING WRONG?!" Ferdinand blinked in mild surprise at the temper tantrum the Goddess of Mary-Sues was throwing. "YOU MEDDLED WITH ONE OF MY STORIES!"

"Oh?" Her sister's grin widened further. "You mean those stories you aren't supposed to have?"

There was a moment of silence while Celestina gaped at her sister in incredulous horror. The goddess snapped her mouth shut, whirled around, and stormed out of the room. Claralinda had time to snort in amusement before the door opened and Celestina burst back in.

"You," Celestina said in a low, furious tone, "are going to set things right."

"Why should I?" Claralinda sat up and smiled pleasantly at her sister.

"If you don't, I'm telling mother about YOUR fics! Don't think I don't know about those monstrosities"

"Well," Claralinda drew her knees up to her chest and draped her arms around them, "that doesn't seem like much of a threat to me. If you were to tell mother about my fics, I'd turn right around and tell her about _yours_, and you'd be in more trouble than me because you were ficcing while you were grounded. Not to mention the fact that you've taken a girl from earth, or all places, and thrown _her_ in there!" Claralinda's smile melted elegantly into a frown. "Honestly, don't you have _any_ ethics? What is that poor girl's family going to think?"

"I wasn't planning on leaving her in there indefinitely," Celestina snapped back. "I'm just keeping her out of the way for a while! She shouldn't have to stay there much longer."

"I don't care what your reasoning is. It's wrong, and if I had the ability, I'd have removed her myself."

"But you _don't_ have that ability, do you?" Celestina smirked, then shook her head. "Fine. If you're going to be stubborn, I'll just fix things myself!"

"Good luck," Claralinda said with a large grin as Celestina disappeared with a poof of violet and gold.

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"Don't touch me!"

"Pippin, _please_"

"Oh, sweet Jeebus, has my entire life been a _lie_?!"

Things were continuing as usual. Carrie was still sitting on the ground, pretending to cry but actually watching the hobbity drama from between her fingers. The drama itself consisted of Pippin backing away from Merry and looking hurt and betrayed, and Merry trailing after Pippin and looking like a lost puppy.

Then, quite suddenly, Pippin and Merry stopped moving. They weren't frozen as they had been before; they were just standing there with their arms hanging limply at their sides, their eyes glazed and unfocused. Carrie stood up and looked around nervously. The birds had fallen silent. She ran over to Pippin and shook his shoulder.

"Pippin? Pippin!"

No response. She was about to try Merry when an all-too-familiar voice interrupted the silence.

"You're just wasting your time, girl."

Carrie turned her head around so quickly that she got whiplash. "Celestina!" After a moment, she added, "Get me out of here, you bitch!"

"No." Celestina tossed her black hair over her shoulder and frowned at her hobbit Sue. "Unfortunately, your _roommate_ is not being _quite_ as cooperative as I had hoped. And you aren't going anywhere until they are properly in love."

"Well, I'm not much of a Sue here," Carrie pointed out, folding her arms. "Merry and Pippin are currently more absorbed in each other than they are in me."

"I'll be fixing that shortly," Celestina replied, raising her hands.

"Wait! Seriously, why won't you just let me go back? Do you think I _want_ Legolas to fall for me?!"

"It doesn't matter. If you were back, you would be a distraction. So here you shall stay, until your _roommate_ comes to her senses or until I think of something better to do with you. Now" The Goddess raised her hands further, and a strong wind rushed through the clearing, forcing Carrie to strike a Marilyn Monroe pose to keep her dress at a PG-13 level. The girl closed her eyes as the wind strengthened. Then the wind stopped as if a switch had been flicked, and the girl opened her eyes. Celestina was nowhere to be seen. Merry and Pippin blinked.

"Um," Carrie said, looking at them nervously as Pippin resumed his hurt/betrayed stance. Merry, contrary to looking like a lost puppy, now looked angry.

"I still can't believe you were messing with Daisy behind my back!" Pippin shouted. "Friends don't _do_ that to one another!"

"Well, I'm sorry, Pippin," Merry spat, "but _I love her_, and nothing you say is ever going to change that!"

"Oh, so we're back to this," Carrie said to herself, nodding.

"You don't love her! You hardly know her! You haven't spoken with her like I have!"

"I know her better than you ever could!" Merry retorted. Then he twitched, and his expression changed back to moony. "Pippin, why do you keep pushing me away?"

"What?!" Pippin glared in confusion at his suddenly slashy cousin. "What are you talking about? This is all YOUR fault!"

"And I'm _sorry_," Merry said sincerely, stepping forward and taking Pippin's hands in his. "Eru, don't you know how sorry I am?"

Pippin stared speechlessly at Merry for a moment, then jerked his hands away and staggered back a few paces. "There's something the matter with you, Merry."

"No!" Merry said, his eyes burning passionately. "I'm only just seeing things clearly now, Pip, and I know that I" Merry twitched again, and after a short pause, continued in a heated voice, " am sick of you always acting like I couldn't possibly be desirable to anyone else! Did it ever occur to you that Daisy could love ME and not you? That maybe she wants ME, Meriadoc Brandybuck; did that EVER enter your puny little mind?!" He tried to glare defiantly at his cousin, but a flicker of uncertainty in his eyes ruined the effect. It was clear that no one, except possibly Carrie, had the slightest clue what was happening. And Carrie wasn't about to give hints. For the moment, she was content to watch the argument with her mouth slightly open and an expression of incredulous delight on her face.

"You," Pippin said, shaking his head slowly, "are crazy, Merry." Then the Took twitched.

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The scene opens on Aragorn, son of Arathorn, wandering around a small clearing in Rivendell. The clearing is dominated by Gilraen's large, marble tombstone. Aragorn squints thoughtfully at the ground and peeks behind several bushes, his eyes often darting back to the sculpture. Still, he seems unwilling to go over for a closer look.

The scene changes to Aragorn sitting on his throne in Gondor. He shakes his head and sighs heavily. "I used to have a lot of trouble reading elvish. A LOT of trouble."

The scene changes back to Aragorn in Rivendell. He sidles up to the sculpture, squints at the writing, then scoots away.

Back to King Aragorn, who looks at the floor. "I had no idea where my mother's grave was. I mean, Elrond had told me it was in that clearing, and it was pretty much the only thing there, and it looked kinda like her but I couldn't read the writing, so I couldn't be sure it was her and not some other random woman." He sighs heavily. "I needed help."

The scene changes to Elrond, who has taken his little headband thing off and is playing with it as he faces the camera. "I knew Aragorn was having difficulties when he STILL couldn't find his mother's gravesite. I mean, I must have told him where it was at least eight times. I was at a loss; I had tried teaching him elvish, but he just didn't learn like normal elven children." Elrond's face crinkles into a smile. "That's when I heard about Hooked on Elvish."

As the scene changes to a montage of short clips, each of Aragorn playing with cards on a big table and looking accomplished, Elrond does a voice-over. "Hooked on Elvish did what I and all of the tutors I had found could not - actually got the basics through that crazy man's skull. Soon he was reading books, making friends, and using the men's bathroom instead of the women's." There is a clip of Aragorn nearly walking into the ladies' room, seeing the sign labeling the room as the ladies' room, and backing away with a head shake and a chuckle. "Hooked on Elvish really worked for him!"

The scene changes to Aragorn walking up to his mother's grave, putting a bunch of flowers on it, and then hugging the statue. He turns to give the camera a huge grin and a thumbs up. "Thanks, Hooked on Elvish!"

I know this chapter isn't as long, and the commercial is, frankly, lame but at least it's out there! Woo! Please review!

Platy


	16. Difficulties and a Good Bad Idea

Hello, I'm back from the dead! Anyone interested in what the hell has happened to me over the past several months may find answers on my bio.

Here is my second attempt at this chapter, which I feel is a good deal better than my first. It even looks like this story may have some _direction_, of all things! :) I may not know exactly where I'm going, but I know where I _don't _want to go, and I am determined to not suck.

Massive thanks to anyone out there still reading this. I can't possibly express my gratitude for all of your patience and understanding. Massive hugs all around, along with talking Ed plushies!

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Evening had crept up on Randi and Carrie's college campus, which was currently short one Carrie. Ed was out in the bluffs, most likely snuffling in some dirt and making quiet exclamations to himself. Randi was sitting on her bed with her head in her hands, doing her level best to not moan aloud. Legolas was sitting on Carrie's bed, glaring out the window, muttering that Celestina _must _be out there _some_where, and occasionally punching the mattress in frustration.

Celestina had quietly materialized in a corner of the girls' dorm room, and was waiting for someone to notice her.

Somewhat ironically (so much for superior elven senses), it was Randi who lifted her head first. She looked at the Goddess of Mary-Sues, did a comical double-take, and then jumped off of her bed, looking absolutely livid.

"Bring my roommate back _this instant!_"

Legolas looked over in surprise, then swiftly leaped to his feet, drawing his knives as he did so. "Do it," he ordered in a low voice, "or I will make your passing slow."

Celestina regarded the furious pair, then tossed her head back and laughed a long, wicked laugh. Legolas's knives wavered slightly, but Randi just folded her arms; she was used to the goddess's cackling. As soon as Celestina had finished, Randi repeated her request.

"I'm afraid that won't be possible," the goddess replied, flicking an invisible speck of dust off of her altogether hideous dress, the color of which could best be described as "neon vomit." "She is currently enjoying the attentions of two certain young hobbits."

"I doubt she's _enjoying _it," Randi sneered. "It's being written by _you, _after all."

"Oh, she's having a wonderful time!" Celestina grinned with the air of someone who had several full decks of cards up her sleeves, which wasn't entirely out of the question, considering the sheer volume of her current ones. "D'you know, she actually _kissed _what's-his-face…" she paused, drumming her fingers pensively on her chin. "You know, the blonder one with the somewhat unusual nose."

"Merry," Legolas scowled ferociously and gripped his knives tighter. "I'll _throttle _him!"

"That's the one!" Celestina nodded, looking terribly pleased with herself. "It was so _romantic_!"

Randi gaped in disbelief. "She actually _kissed _him? Like, _willingly?!_"

"Well, technically he kissed her," Celestina waved a hand dismissively, "but it wasn't like your roommate tried to stop him."

"That presumptuous little…" Legolas waved his knives expressively for lack of words, forcing Randi to take a hasty step sideways.

"Oh, I don't see why _you're _so bothered by it," Celestina raised a perfect eyebrow at the infuriated elf.

Randi could see where the conversation was headed, and quickly tried to steer it in a direction that would involve the goddess leaving. "What are you even doing here? Won't your mother get pissed?"

"Most unfortunately for you," Celestina purred, "Mother is at a party from which she will not be returning any time soon. That leaves _me_ with enough time to straighten out a few things that have been going awry lately." The goddess looked pointedly from Randi to Legolas and back.

"I'm not sure what you're implying," Legolas said frankly.

"_I_ am," Randi said, rolling her eyes. "Why the hell won't you just give it a rest, _Windbreaker_?"

"Not in my nature," Celestina replied, peeved. "Though," she added, looking a bit more cheerful, "I would be more than happy to restore your roommate to her proper location once you and Legolas give in to the romantic feelings I know you both harbor for one another."

"I don't harbor a single romantic feeling for _him_," Randi said, "and guess what? He doesn't much like me, either!" A smug grin spread across Randi's features. "So there!"

"Are you _mad_?" Legolas asked incredulously. But he wasn't looking at Celestina. Randi found herself the object of a horribly familiar moony gaze.

"Damn it!" Randi backed away from Legolas in horror as Celestina picked up the smug grin that had fallen so abruptly from the girl's face.

"Now that _that's _all fixed," Celestina brushed her hands together, "I suppose I'll be getting on. And I'll take that horse with me… no sense in making it easy for you to escape." She waved cheerfully at Randi as the girl lunged at her, then disappeared with an extravagant POOF, a swirl of cerulean smoke, and a generous helping of silver glitter. Randi found herself grasping at nothing but air and the overpowering scent of bubblegum.

The girl staggered a pace backwards, coughing furiously. Legolas rubbed her back in a soothing manner, having put his knives away.

"Lady Litherienennalleluiacarabethielawen, are you all right?"

Randi straightened and smacked the elf's hand away. "If you forking touch me again, I'm going to take your bow and jam it so far up your ass that you'll taste wood, understand?" Legolas backed away, looking both abashed and somewhat disturbed. "And," Randi added for good measure, "my name is _Randi_. Call me anything _other _than that, and I'll do the exact same thing I threatened to do with your bow, only I'll use your knives." She paused, her eyes narrowing. "Both of them."

"I understand mila—er, Randi," Legolas said, looking a tad frightened. But puppy-Legolas couldn't be kept down for long, and after a moment he smiled winningly and added, "You're so beautiful when you're angry with me!"

"You're asking for it, biatch." Randi picked up his bow and shook it warningly. Legolas hurriedly sat down on the futon. The girl glared suspiciously at him for a moment, then sat down on her bed again, pointing the bow at Legolas as if it was a long, curvy musket. "_Now_ what am I going to do?" she muttered to herself, feeling the black caterpillar of despair beginning to nibble on the shrubbery of her soul.

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Celestina appeared in her bedroom, giggling with evil glee. J.J. padded over to rub his massive head against his mistress's leg in greeting.

"Things are looking up, J.J.," Celestina announced to the tiger. "Legolas is back to abnormal, Randi is stuck with him, _and_ I've fixed the story I'm keeping Carrie in! Look!" She sat down in front of her computer, opened the fic in question, and started to read the most recent paragraph out loud.

"'Pippin whirled on Merry, looking infuriated. "I thought I meant something to you, Merry! I…"'" Celestina trailed off, a look of deepest distaste dawning on her face. "Oh, _bullocks_." A moment later, J.J. was left sneezing at the POOF of periwinkle smoke the goddess left in her wake.

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Pippin whirled on Merry, looking infuriated. "I thought I meant something to you, Merry! I thought…" he trailed off, looking disgusted with himself. "I suppose I thought a lot of foolish things."

"That's nothing unusual," Merry said, looking warily at Pippin. "Stay close to me, Daisy; I think he may have snapped."

"I'm actually quite comfortable where I am," Carrie said cheerfully. She had been watching the exchange with no small amount of delight; it was like a sporting event in which the competitors couldn't decide whether they were playing hockey or curling.

"Yes, I'd stay away from this one if I were you, Daisy," Pippin bitterly advised, jerking his head at his cousin. "He'll make you believe that he loves you, then turn around and act as if he's never even _thought _of you that way –"

"I _have _never thought of you that way!" Merry snapped defensively.

"Right!" Pippin exclaimed. "Of _course _you haven't!" He glared at Merry, then shook his head again. "Well, I'm finished with you, Merry. I'm finished with you, and I'm finished with this whole bloody charade." He strode over to where his coat was lying in the leaves and picked it up.

Carrie watched him, feeling suddenly uneasy. "Are you, um, going somewhere?"

"Back to the Shire," Pippin announced shortly, shaking the leaves out of his coat.

"Ah!" Merry rocked back on his heels and grinned. "Good plan, Pippin."

The Took glared at his cousin. "I don't know why I've lingered so long, really." He pulled the leaf-free garment on briskly.

"Wait," Carrie said, climbing to her feet as visions of shattered canon danced through her head. "I'm not so sure that's a good idea."

"I think it's a _brilliant _idea," Merry said quickly.

"There's no particular reason for me to stay, is there?" Pippin looked at Carrie and sighed. "I'm just a hobbit. I'm not a warrior or a hero. I don't belong in this mess… so I'm going somewhere I _do_ belong." He paused uncertainly, giving Carrie a look she couldn't quite identify. "Feel free to join me, if you like."

Carrie stared at Pippin. He was all set to head back to the Shire, an act which would almost certainly blow the story to bits. There would be no fall of Isengard, Pippin would never make it to Gondor, and there would simply be no salvaging things. Unless she stayed behind and reprised Pippin's role in the grand scheme of things, the fic would take a wildly AU turn for the worse.

But then again, this prison of a fanfic was already a Tolkien purist's nightmare. There was no elf in the Fellowship, _she_ was the resident Mary-Sue… what was she going to do? Try to preserve the story's nonexistent integrity? A plunge off the deep end was no more than this fic deserved, really. And if Pippin stayed slashy, he wouldn't hit on her… and added bonus!

"You know what?" Carrie said with a very small smile, "I think I will."

"Pardon?" Merry stammered incredulously.

"I'm going to head back to the Shire with Pippin," Carrie elaborated, her smile spreading rapidly into a grin. "It sounds like fun!"

"But…" Merry looked desperate. "You can't do that! Daisy, we have to help our friends! And you said you didn't even want to go back to the Shire!"

"Well, I changed my mind," Carrie said, picking up the cloak she had cast off some time ago and pinning it back on. "And I'll just have to help everyone by staying out of the way. I'm not much a fighter; I'd probably trip on my own sword and impale myself."

"But… but…" Merry sputtered, at a complete loss. Pippin handed Carrie a large stick he had picked up off the ground that would serve as a walking stick; he looked as if he was trying very, very hard not to smirk at Merry's consternation.

"Don't worry, Merry," Carrie said, patting the top of the hobbit's head. "I'm sure you'll do a fine job of acting all heroic on your own."

"But I don't _want _to be heroic on my own! I want… I want to be with _you_, Daisy."

"Then tag along or something! I'm going to the Shire, and that's final." Carrie folded her arms and frowned at Merry. "I'm making my stubborn face."

"Well…" Merry shifted uncomfortably, then cursed under his breath. "Fine. I'm coming, too."

"Lovely," Pippin muttered.

"Hey, the more, the merrier," Carrie said with a shrug. "Hehehe… Merry-er! Get it?" As she gazed at the somewhat confused faces of her companions, she found herself feeling that regardless of how stupid a move it seemed, going to the Shire was the right thing to do. The best thing to do, even. "Well," she said, grinning the sort of grin that gets people locked away, "shall we?"

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Well, there you have it! If anyone is still reading this, let me know in a review, because we all know that reviews are like a drug fix. ;) Muahaha.

Platy


	17. War, Frustrations, and Oddities

Well, you all seem to have enjoyed the last chapter, for which I am grateful. I've actually worked the rest of this fic out, and I'm pretty pleased with where I plan to go with it. It should be very interesting, indeed!

Some of you were having difficulties reviewing the last chapter, as FFN doesn't allow an author to submit two signed reviews for a single chapter. It may send you an alert when you try to review this chapter as well, since I _did_ previously have a chapter 17 (it was mostly an author's note, and was deleted to make room for this real chapter). If you really want to leave a review and that notice pops up, just log out of FFN and it will let you post an anonymous review.

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Claralinda, Goddess of Bad Slash, reclined in midair. The corners of her mouth were quirked upward in the tiniest of smirks as she basked in the warm glow of her sister's rage. She was almost surprised it had lasted so long; she had expected her sister to fix the fic and move on. But angry-Celestina had emerged again, it seemed. The entire house was _buzzing_ with the goddess's fury; the only one seemingly unaffected was Ferdinand the Great, who was shuffling after his tiny sun in a way that managed to convey both laziness and determination. If Claralinda hadn't been so absorbed in her sister's palpable frustration, she would have looked upon Ferdinand and admired him.

A moment later, Celestina burst through the door in a towering rage.

"I _told_ you to leave my fics alone!" she shouted in her sister's face.

"What fics?" Claralinda inquired innocently.

"You know damn well what fics I mean," Celestina hissed, her violet eyes narrowed. "I fixed it, and you're still tweaking it whenever I turn my back!"

"I'm not tweaking it," Claralinda said with a small frown. "As pleasurable as pissing you off may be, I have better things to do with my time than further screw with a fic that's already a joke."

"Oh, _really_?!" Celestina swiped a curl of hair out of her face and glared at her sister. "How, then, would _you_ explain Merry and Pippin switching constantly from normal to to to the way _you'd_ make them?!"

"First of all," Claralinda replied sharply, "the term you're looking for is 'homosexual,' and it's a perfectly natural state of being."

"Oh, because this is _so_ natural," Celestina said, grabbing a recently printed picture from next to the computer and holding it up with a sneer. It was a photo-manip of Legolas and Gimli doing something unspeakable.

"And secondly," Claralinda continued as if she hadn't been interrupted, "you're asking me exactly what is wrong with your fic?" She shook her head. "Where do you want me to _start_?"

"Start by explaining why my characters are becoming _slashy_ if you're _not_ meddling!"

Claralinda leaned forward. _"I don't know."_

"Stop lying!"

"I'm _not_."

"It's _my fic_! It should do what I tell it to do! But it isn't, so therefore, you are meddling!"

"For the final time," Claralinda said slowly, "I. Am not. Meddling. I screwed with it once, but that was it. If your fic is still screwed up, I'm guessing it has something to do with you being completely inept and not fixing it properly." She rolled out of the air and stood on the floor, nose to nose with her sister. "Now, if you don't quit shouting at me for things I didn't do, I'm going to go ahead and _do_ them so that I at least get the pleasure of committing the crimes I'm being accused of."

There was a short but terrible pause.

"Was that a _threat_?" Celestina hissed.

"Yes, as a matter of fact, it was."

"Well, _this_ is what I think of you and your threats!" Celestina held up the picture and slowly ripped it in two with considerable relish.

There was a long, _very_ terrible pause. The two pieces of paper floated towards the floor; the half featuring Legolas drifted a bit too close to Ferdinand's sun and burst into flames. Claralinda watched the ashes settle on her carpet, an unreadable expression on her face.

"This," she finally said in a low, dangerous voice, "is _war_."

"Good!" Celestina snapped belligerently.

"You won't be so cocky in five minutes," Claralinda said, settling herself in front of her computer and cracking her knuckles. "I'll warp that stupid fic of yours beyond _recognition_!"

"I'd like to see you try," Celestina sneered before disappearing in a poof of angry red smoke.

"Oh, don't worry," Claralinda said quietly, staring at her computer screen. "You will."

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"Shit," Randi announced from her bed. "Shit, shit, shit."

"Is something the matter, m--er, Randi?" Legolas had made himself more or less comfortable on the futon, though Randi got the distinct impression that he would be on his feet in an instant if she so much as gave him a kindly look.

"It's Sunday," Randi explained.

"What's a Sunday?" Legolas tilted his head slightly to one side.

"A Sunday is a day before we college students have _class_," Randi elaborated. She scowled and thumped her comforter with Legolas's bow. "SHIT!"

"But you _always_ have class, Randi," Legolas said with an endearing smile.

"Oh, shut up," Randi said, refusing to be flattered. "You know who else has class? _Carrie_ does, and she isn't going to be showing up for any of them, is she?"

"So?" Legolas shrugged.

_"So_," Randi continued impatiently, "her professors are going to wonder what the hell happened to her! They might start thinking that something's amiss, or or something!" She got up off of her bed and began to pace. "They might get _suspicious_ and then they might come _here_ and want to know where she _is_ and I won't be able to _tell_ them because they'll think I'm _insane_!" Randi shook her head. "'Oh, Carrie's perfectly all right as far as I _know_, but I can't be sure because she's stuck in an alternate _universe_, trying to fend off Merry and Pippin's amorous advances, that's all'" She paused. "Or maybe she's _not_ trying to fend them off. I don't know!" She sat back down on the bed and threw up her hands. "SHIT!"

"Why don't you just tell Carrie's professors that she's ill or something?" Legolas suggested with a shrug.

Randi was about to scold him for being an idiot when she realized that it actually wasn't a bad idea. She strode over to Carrie's desk and rummaged around until she found a copy of her roommate's schedule, then went over to her own computer and sat down.

"Okay," Randi breathed, opening her e-mail, creating a new letter, and putting Carrie's professors on the distribution list. "Now to write this thing." She began to type, reading aloud as she went.

_Hi,_

_I'm Carrie's roommate, and I just wanted to let you all know that Carrie won't be in class tomorrow. She has_

Randi paused. What was a plausible illness? She needed something mundane enough to be believable, severe enough to be debilitating, but mild enough to not be a cause for too much concern.

"The Black Breath?" Legolas suggested from the futon.

_ the flu_. Randi rolled her eyes. "That ought to do it. And Legolas?"

The elf perked up considerably. "Yes?"

"You're a moron," Randi finished. She sent the e-mail with a flourish, then turned in her chair to face the elf. He had been looking a bit downcast after the insult, but brightened again when he saw that Randi was actually paying attention to him.

"So," Randi said, "what the hell are you going to do tomorrow while I'm at my classes?"

"You're going to _leave_ me?" The elf looked stricken.

"Well, it's kind of a tricky situation," the girl mused. "On the one hand, I could leave you here in my room. It would be nice to pretend you don't exist for a while. But then again, you might do something twisted, like I dunno, lick my underwear or something."

"I would never do that," Legolas cried, turning a delicate shade of pink. "And I do not wish to stay here alone. Why can't I come to your classes with you?"

"Come _with_ me?" Randi gaped. "Are you insane?!"

"No," Legolas said, shifting defensively. "And I don't see why I _couldn't_. I'll even leave my weapons here! Well, most of them"

"You're insane," Randi said, nodding in confirmation. "There is no way you are following me to class."

Legolas blinked; Randi had unwittingly given him an idea. "Maybe," the elf said craftily, "I'll follow you to class either way."

There was a short, terrible pause.

"Excuse me?" Randi said, unwilling to believe she had just heard well, what she had just heard.

"You heard me," Legolas said, growing more bold. "Wherever you go, I shall follow."

"You shall _not_!" Randi cried, horrified.

"I don't believe you can stop me," Legolas said, looking as if he was having difficulty fighting back a triumphant grin.

Randi felt her stomach sink as she realized the elf was right. She couldn't stop him from sneaking out of the room and if he was going to be wandering around campus either way, it would really be better to have him _with_ her for damage-control purposes. But just because it was _better_ didn't mean it was _good_.

"Well," Randi said hopelessly, "shit."

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

Carrie stood just outside the circle of ents, watching as they swayed back and forth and harroomed at one another. In an attempt to be considerate, Merry had pointed out that someone ought to inform Treebeard that they were all leaving, and somehow the task had been delegated to her. She cleared her throat. No reaction from the ents. She cleared her throat again, more obnoxiously.

"A-he-HEM!" She looked pointedly up at Treebeard. Still no acknowledgement. She was about to find a rock and throw it at someone when Treebeard turned towards her.

"Yes, Miss Daisy?" he rumbled slowly.

Carrie blinked and fought back the urge to giggle. "Just wanted to let you know that the three of us are, uh, leaving," she said in a clear voice, so all the ents could hear.

A rumble of thunder echoed through the trees.

Treebeard looked down in surprise. "Leaving?"

"Yes. We've decided to go back to the Shire," she explained, looking nervously upwards. It was a pointless gesture; all she could see were leaves and the occasional tiny glimpse of sky.

"I see," Treebeard said. "I can take you to the edge of the forest"

"That won't be necessary; I'd hate to break up the little party you've got going on here." Carrie smiled brightly. "If you could just, uh, point us in the right direction, that would be great."

Treebeard frowned. "The trees may harm you."

"I can handle them," Carrie said flippantly. She figured that if a tree being poked incessantly wouldn't harm her, then a tree simply being passed wouldn't harm any of them. Plus, she wanted to get out of Fangorn as quickly as possible, and was worried that Treebeard would take five hours just to explain where they were going to the other ents.

"Well, if you're sure" Treebeard gave her a look that may have been doubtful; it was hard to read the expression of someone whose face was made of bark. Then he slowly raised a twiggy hand and pointed.

"Thanks!" Carrie chirped, making careful note of the direction. Then she jogged back over to where Merry and Pippin were standing. Only instead of standing, they were both sitting on the ground. And judging from their expressions, they were pouring their hearts out to one another.

"Oh, _Merry_," Pippin said, tenderly reaching for his cousin.

"Hey!" Carrie clapped her hands, making both hobbits jump guiltily. "Am I going to have to walk between you two?! You have to _focus_!"

"On what?" Merry asked, looking at Carrie in bafflement.

"On getting back to the Shire, which is _that_ way, in case you were wondering." She grabbed Merry by the back of his cloak and hauled him up. "Let's go, both of you."

"I was quite comfortable where I was," Merry grumbled, straightening his cloak. Pippin sighed heavily and climbed to his feet as well. Carrie wished she had the ability to create squirt guns; then whenever the two hobbits got too involved with one another, she could douse them both like naughty puppies.

"Tough," Carrie said mercilessly, waving her walking stick in a threatening manner. "It's time to walk. Come on, it shouldn't be too far before we're out of these woods."

She hadn't been walking for more than thirty seconds before a warm hand slipped into her own. She looked down at her hand in utter confusion, then looked up to see who was holding it. Pippin smiled at her.

"Uh" Carrie said, extracting her hand. Had he twitched without her noticing?

"Hey! What do you think _you're_ doing?" Merry glared at his cousin and shoved him away from Carrie. "Honestly, how many times does she have to reject you before it registers in your thick skull?"

"Mind your own business!" Pippin snapped, shoving him back.

"If you're hitting on _my_ Daisy, then it _is_ my business!"

"Whoa!" Carrie cried, breaking up the two hobbits with a few well-placed swings of her walking stick. "First of all, I don't _belong_ to anyone, and second of all, _quit fighting_!"

Pippin blinked at Carrie. "Why would Merry and I be fighting?"

"Yes, I'm confused," Merry agreed.

Carrie gaped. They had just switched from slashy to straight and back again, and neither had twitched or otherwise given any indication of the change.

"Um never mind, then." Carrie drew back her walking stick, looked nervously at the two hobbits, then turned around and continued walking. Merry and Pippin exchanged a concerned glance, then followed.

For about a minute there was silence from both hobbits, and Carrie began to relax.

"So," Pippin said cautiously, "if you _aren't_ Merry's, does that mean you don't have feelings for him?"

"Shut _up_, Pippin."

"Oh, as if you don't want to know the answer as badly as I do," Pippin smirked at his cousin.

"At the moment," Carrie said, "the only feeling I have for either of you is irritation." Merry and Pippin fell silent again. Carrie was just beginning to relax again when she caught something out of the corner of her eye. She stopped short and turned her head sharply.

A tall, hooded and cloaked figure was standing about 100 feet away. And it was _staring_ at them! Carrie's first reaction involved numbing terror and hair on the back of her neck standing up. Then it occurred to her that the figure _could_ be Celestina or Claralinda, and as such could possibly be interested in getting her the hell out. But before she could move, cry out, or do anything other then stand there and stare, the figure vanished. And this wasn't the sort of vanishing that involved turning and walking away, or the sort of vanishing that involved POOFs of smoke and showers of glitter. This was the kind of vanishing that involved being _there_ one instant and _gone_ the next, like the figure had never even existed. It was profoundly unnerving.

"Did you see that?!" Carrie asked, turning wildly to look at Merry and Pippin.

Merry and Pippin had been about two seconds away from a loving embrace; they stepped away from one another hurriedly.

"See what?" Merry asked after turning a bright shade of pink.

"That _thing_!" Carrie insisted, pointing at the empty bit of forest floor the figure had occupied moments before. "It was _right there_!" The hobbits gave her almost identical blank stares.

"I didn't see anything," Pippin offered with a small shrug. "Maybe you imagined it."

"I _didn't_ imagine it!" Carrie insisted. "Look, it was just over here" She strode purposefully towards the spot where the figure had been standing.

Halfway there, she paused. Something didn't feel quite right. In fact, something felt distinctly _wrong_. After a slight hesitation, Carrie continued stubbornly towards the place the figure had been. But with every step, the feeling that something was _off_ only intensified. The little hairs on the back of her neck stood up again.

"Daisy? Are you all right?" Merry called, still standing on their original path.

"I'm fine," Carrie replied approximately two seconds before she found herself very abruptly _not_ fine at all.

She was about twenty feet from the spot when a wave of dizziness washed over her, causing her to stumble sideways. "Whoa," she murmured to herself, leaning on her walking stick for support as she waited for the sensation to pass.

_"Daisy!"_ Merry raced over with Pippin hot on his heels.

The sensation, much to Carrie's annoyance, was failing to pass. In fact, it was failing with flying colors, the majority of which were shades of green and brown.

"Daisy, what's wrong?" Pippin asked urgently once the two of them had reached her.

"Just a bit dizzy," Carrie managed to say, gripping her walking stick with white knuckles and trying very hard to not keel over onto the forest floor, a difficult task since she was no longer quite sure where the forest floor _was_.

"Well, come on, then," Merry said, gently steering Carrie back towards the path.

"Neither of you felt anything?" Carrie asked, the dizziness lifting steadily as she approached the path. Pippin shook his head, looking at her with no small amount of concern.

"I didn't feel anything," Merry said, "and I didn't see anything, either." He frowned at Carrie. "You're not ill, are you?"

"I'm not hallucinating," Carrie said sharply. "And I feel fine, now." She didn't even have to lie; the dizziness had passed and was now little more than a memory. She glanced back over her shoulder.

_It was there again_.

"Look!" She yelped, pointing wildly.

Merry and Pippin turned around, but the figure had disappeared just as quickly (and maddeningly) as it had the first time.

There was a short pause.

"There's nothing there, Daisy," Pippin said quietly.

"Well, not _now_," Carrie said, exasperated. "It disappeared before you turned around!"

"It must have been very fast," Merry said in a way that was a bit too neutral.

Carrie looked sharply at him. "I haven't _snapped_, all right? It was _there_."

"I never said you snapped," Merry held up his hands apologetically.

"It was implied!" Carrie gripped her walking stick with trembling hands, resisting the urge to start whacking people with it.

"No one is saying you're crazy," Pippin said in the kind of tone that doctors use to soothe crazy people. "Maybe you're just tired or something."

"It _is_ getting late," Merry added.

"We should probably set up camp soon."

"I'm not camping here," Carrie said, staring nervously into the woods. Then she gritted her teeth, turned away, and resumed walking. "We'll reach the edge of the forest before dark."

Merry blinked, then jogged to catch up. "How do you know?"

"BECAUSE I SAID SO!"

Merry stopped dead in shock. Pippin shrugged as he passed his cousin. But though they said no more, they were both beginning to worry about their traveling companion.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

WOO! A nice, long chapter for all of you wonderful people. Hope you enjoyed it! Thanks again for being so patient and bearing with me, you guys. I really appreciate it! :)


	18. Haircuts and Dizzy Spells

Platy sat back in her chair and grinned. "It's another chapter, everyone!"

"I'll drink to _that_!" Jack cried, tipping back in his chair and downing a bottle of imported rum.

"Me, too!" Will chimed in, lifting his sippy cup of apple juice. "Look, Platy! No spill!" He tipped the cup upside-down by way of demonstration.

"Good for you, Will," Platy said with an indulgent smile. Then she sighed, and her expression turned serious. "On a less cheerful note, I'm being harassed by the same troll who took it upon themselves to bother Philosophercat about fics she hadn't touched in ages. This 'O.M.G.' person left an anonymous flame-"

"In a manner befitting a coward!" Jack interjected, drawing his sword and waving it unsteadily.

"So I briefly disabled anonymous reviews in an effort to deter them," Platy finished. "They left, and now anonymous reviews are allowed once again." She nodded.

"By the way, 'O.M.G.,'" Jack sat up in his chair and adopted the attitude of a college professor, "'big surprise' is a sentence fragment, and as such should not be set apart as a complete sentence." He sat back, dropped the professor act, and smirked. "If you're going to criticize the grammar of others, it might be prudent to make sure you haven't made any glaring errors yourself, eh?"

"What does O.M.G. even stand for?" Will asked, looking up at Jack.

Platy rolled her eyes. "Well, in internet-speak, it means 'Oh My God,' as in 'Oh my god, I'm making phantom grammar errors.'"

Jack grinned wickedly. "But in this case, it stands for 'Obnoxious Malicious Git.'"

Platy shook her head and grinned. "All right, that's enough disclaimer. On with the story!"

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

After recovering from her consternation, Randi sighed and looked at the elf. "So, you're going to follow me to class?"

"Yes," Legolas said, looking thoroughly pleased with himself.

"No matter what I do to dissuade you?"

The elf nodded eagerly.

Randi regarded him for a moment, then wrinkled her nose. "Dressed like _that_?"

Legolas frowned down at his elven garb. "What is wrong with my current attire?"

"It makes you look like a forking lunatic, that's what is wrong with it." Randi shook her head slowly. "You'll stand out like a... well, like some kind of fictional creature in the real world. Which isn't really surprising, I suppose."

"Creature?" Legolas objected.

"And your hair is really long," Randi continued. "We might have to cut it."

"Cut it?" The elf actually managed to pale. He reached up and touched his hair possessively. "But... is that really necessary?"

"Well," Randi said, brightening as she seized the opportunity, "you could always stay here, couldn't you?"

Legolas looked completely torn for a moment. Then he shook his head, and his lost puppy expression was replaced with one of resolve. "I'd rather go with you."

"You're going to let me cut your hair!" Randi leaned forward in incredulous delight.

"If it's the only way," Legolas said stoically.

"Oho," Randi giggled, "it's the only way _now_, biatch!" She turned back towards her desk and started rummaging for some scissors.

"You're going to do it now?" Legolas leaned back slightly, eyes wide.

"Do you want to come to class with me, or not?" Randi simpered, finding her scissors and holding them aloft.

"I..." Legolas stared at the scissors and swallowed heavily. "I want to go to class with you."

"Are you _sure_?" Randi asked, holding up the scissors and snipping them very slowly.

The elf's lower lip trembled for a moment, but then he recovered. "I'm sure," he said.

"Are you _positive_?" Randi grinned a very large and very evil grin. She tilted the scissors slightly so that they glinted in the lamplight. Legolas watched the scissors with a terrified look in his eyes, but he recovered yet again and nodded. Randi cackled in response, then jumped off of her chair and ran behind the futon. She lifted a lock of the elf's hair, then paused.

"You can still save your luverly golden locks, you know. It isn't too late."

"Just _do_ it," the elf replied testily, shutting his eyes.

Randi snipped the scissors a few more times, but the elf stood-well, _sat_-firm. So, with a shrug, Randi neatly snipped off a lock of hair. Legolas winced slightly, but said nothing. After one last pause to make sure the elf wasn't going to break down and beg to have his hair follicles spared, Randi began snipping with growing enthusiasm.

"Do you, er, know what you are doing?" Legolas asked after several minutes had passed.

"Nope!" Randi said cheerfully. "I haven't cut anyone's hair... unless you count my Barbie dolls when I was little, and they all turned out looking like G.I. Jane."

"G.I. Jane?" Legolas echoed weakly.

"They had very, very little hair left," Randi clarified, grinning broadly. "And what they _did_ have was in, you know, little tufts."

Legolas suppressed a whimper.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

The three hobbits had reached the edge of the forest before sunset, just as Carrie predicted. In fact, Carrie had the sneaking suspicion that they had made such good time _because_ she had predicted it. But she had other things to be suspicious about. At the moment, the big one was the mysterious hooded figure.

She sat on the grass at the very abrupt edge of Fangorn Forest. The boughs of the trees stretched overhead, and her traveling companions were busy making a fire and cooking food that must have issued from a plothole, since she couldn't recall obtaining any from Treebeard. Their behavior had stopped switching rapidly from slashy to straight; as far as she could tell, they were both straight. But they had also stopped being so annoyingly moony, so it was difficult to say for certain. Perhaps Celestina was ignoring the fic.

__

But back to that hooded figure, Carrie thought stubbornly. It bothered her that she was having so much difficulty concentrating on something so important. Any time she tried to focus on the hooded figure, her mind drifted idly away. _Could it be Saruman? That would make sense... dude, Christopher Lee is so forking creepy... like, an evil skinny cadaverous Santa... and Santa is an anagram of Satan... no! Argh! Focus, you stupid brain!_

"Daisy?" Merry interrupted Carrie's futile attempts to figure anything out. "Are you hungry?"

"Raaa," Carrie growled in frustration before standing up and walking over to the fire. She _was_ hungry. And they had made bacon. "Well, hot damn," Carrie muttered under her breath. Raising her voice, she added, "Where in the hell did we get _bacon_ from?"

"Haven't we always had it?" Pippin inquired, looking mystified.

"Never mind," Carrie said immediately, not wanting to get into it. She loaded her plate-from-who-knows-where with food-from-who-knows-where and plopped down near the fire to eat. She stared blankly over the flames as she ate, trying to mull over the identity of the hooded figure and instead mulling over the possible significance of the Santa-Satan anagram. Was the devil trying to spoil Jesus' birthday by infusing it with commercialism? Carrie frowned and shifted uncomfortably; the grass she was sitting on was very prickly. She halted her musing and looked down to make sure she wasn't sitting on anything spiky. Then she blinked in shock.

The grass wasn't grass. She reached down disbelievingly and ran her fingers over the short, stubbly, plastic-y green. _Astro-turf!_ It was as if she had been thrust from the wilderness into a set built in an indoor stadium. She opened her mouth to say something to Merry and Pippin, but before she could get any words out, the ground changed back to normal grass. She frowned and poked a blade uncertainly. _What the hell?_

Merry and Pippin were eating and talking quietly amongst themselves... probably, Carrie guessed with some bitterness, about how crazy she'd been acting lately. She couldn't help the fact that she saw mysterious hooded figures that they didn't see, and had random-ass dizzy spells they didn't have. Maybe she was having weird hobbit hormonal issues. She wrinkled her nose at the thought and went back to staring over the fire. She was still failing to muse about anything constructive, and was only jerked out of her thoughts when her eyes landed on what should have been the subject of them.

The hooded figure was standing just inside the tree-line, about sixty feet from the fire. It was also, to all outward appearances, staring straight at her.

"Hey!" Carrie shouted, leaping to her feet and causing the remains of her dinner to decorate the ground. Merry and Pippin stared at her, frozen in mid-chew. The figure didn't move a muscle. Figuring that she'd capitalize on the opportunity, Carrie charged around the fire and headed straight for the trees.

Pippin swallowed. "Daisy? What are you doing?"

"I'm catching myself some hooded stalker _ass_, that's what I'm doing!" Carrie snapped, then stopped dead and bent over as a wave of dizziness struck full-force. When she looked up, the figure was gone. Again. "Damn it," she said through gritted teeth before toppling over onto her side.

"Daisy!" There was the sound of plates being hurriedly set down followed by rapid footsteps, and then both hobbits were kneeling next to her and helping her to her feet.

"She must be ill or something," Pippin said, the concern evident in his voice.

"I'm right _here_," Carrie grumbled, annoyed at being talked over like she wasn't present. "And I'm not ill."

"You keep seeing things that aren't there, dashing off into the woods, and falling over," Merry said pointedly. "What do you expect us to think?"

"I don't _know_," Carrie snapped in frustrating, shaking off the hobbits as soon as the dizziness passed. "And it _was_ there."

"Well, whether you think you saw something or not, there's nothing there now," Merry said firmly, taking Carrie's arm again and half-dragging her back to the fire. "Now _sit down_ and stop making yourself sick." Carrie scowled and sat down with no small show of reluctance (though she privately found this blunt, take-charge side of Merry rather refreshing). Merry sat down on her right side and resumed eating; Pippin did the same on her left. Realizing that any more attempts to enter the woods would be thwarted in under two seconds, Carrie sighed and went back to staring moodily at the flames.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

About an hour later, darkness had well and truly fallen. Merry and Pippin had produced pipes-from-who-knows-where out of their packs-from-who-knows-where and were smoking pensively on one side of the fire, their backs to the blaze. Carrie had unrolled a bedroll-from-who-knows-where on the other side and was lying flat on her back, staring upwards. The sky was littered with stars, and she was both surprised and comforted to find constellations she knew from home. She recognized Orion and one of the dippers (she had never been able to tell the big one from the little one). She was craning her neck slightly to look for the other dipper when the sky _blinked_.

Carrie stiffened. The ordinary constellations had been replaced; the stars were now arranged in a precise _grid_. The sky blinked back to normal before she could point out this new, distressing anomaly to either of the other two hobbits.

First the grass had changed to astro-turf, then the stars had assumed a grid formation. It was as if the very fic itself was beginning to unravel. And if it unraveled completely, she could very well go down with the ship. The entire damn thing had been created to suit _her_, after all. Carrie frowned, then wriggled into her bedroll to stave off a chill that wasn't due entirely to the cool night air.

She could have at least tried to sleep, but she didn't. Instead, she thought about the breakdown of the fic. What could be causing it? Celestina couldn't be responsible; she wouldn't let one of her fics fall apart without making a giant fuss over it. And it couldn't be Claralinda, because the goddess knew that the fic had a civilian inside. There was a slight chance-okay, a _good_ chance that Celestina was occupied with something else and not paying any attention to the fic, but that didn't seem like enough to make it crumble. The goddess probably just put them on auto-pilot or something. And if that was the case...

__

Oh, God, Carrie thought with an inward mew of horror, _what if it's_ me?

Going to the Shire _couldn't_ have been the original game plan. Pippin had mentioned going back to the Shire (which he _had_ done in the movie, after all), and instead of dissuading him, Carrie had deviated from the script and encouraged him. Now they were off on a tangent that was as un-canon as it could be... and instead of irritating Celestina into showing herself, it was throwing the very fabric of the narrative into disarray. What would happen if they actually _reached_ the Shire? Would the sky fall down on their heads? Carrie curled up in her bedroll and trembled. _Fork... I'm an idiot, idiot, idiot._ She had thought the bold move would wind up being her ticket _out_ of the fic. But Celestina wasn't showing any sign of noticing the difference, and Carrie hadn't even considered what would happen if the fic fell apart _with her still inside._

The hobbit Sue rolled over and stared into the trees, nibbling her lower lip. Perhaps she could talk Merry and Pippin into going back. The ent-moot was probably still in full swing. The situation could be remedied. They could go kick the crap out of Isengard, and everything would be fine. She paused in the middle of reassuring herself and stared sharply into the trees.

__

There it was again.

She stared at the figure, trying in vain to get a glimpse of its face; the hood left its features in shadow. She glanced over her shoulder at Merry and Pippin. They were facing away from both her and the trees. For a brief instant she considered alerting them, then discarded the idea; the figure would disappear again, and they'd just think she was hallucinating. She turned back to the woods; it was still there. Gritting her teeth and trying to make as little noise as possible, she wriggled out of her bedroll and started crawling towards the woods. She kept her eyes locked firmly on the figure, which was watching her without moving. _That's right,_ she thought as she crawled along, _you just stay right there, you freakish Peeping Tom_.

The dizziness hit her about thirty feet from where the figure was standing. Carrie paused for a moment, then stubbornly continued forward. The figure took a single step backwards, then abruptly vanished. The dizziness lessened slightly, but Carrie wasn't about to give up. She could still see where the figure _had_ been standing; perhaps it was invisible, but still there. So she continued wriggling forward. The dizziness quickly grew, accompanied now by nausea. Her head felt light and her limbs felt weak, but she had pure, unfiltered spite for fuel. Still, she only just managed to drag herself to within about seven feet of where the figure had stood. Then whatever power that emanated from the area overcame her. She dropped to the forest floor with a thud, out cold.

Back at the campsite, Pippin heard the noise and turned around.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

I know, it's a terrible cliffhanger. Ah, well. Please review if you can! I love you all! And sorry if there were many author alerts, or if there are errors with spacing. FFN has seriously forked up this chapter, and I've had to upload it several times. I still don't know how to fix some of the mistakes, so I guess they'll just have to sit there for now.

Platy


	19. Making Sense

Oh my God, an update! Can you believe it? Just to let you all know, this is the second-to-last chapter. And I'm afraid I'm going to leave you all with another cliffhanger. Ah, it's good to be evil.

****

Disclaimer: Fic will become hot when heated.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

"Daisy? Daisy!"

Carrie opened her eyes and blinked a few times. Merry and Pippin had both been hovering anxiously over her; now they sat back. Pippin slowly let out the breath he had been holding, and Merry rubbed his face with one hand, looking shaken.

"What happened?" Carrie asked, looking around in bafflement. The last thing she remembered was crawling towards that figure and feeling ill, and now she was back at the fire and feeling groggy but more or less all right.

"I could ask you the same thing," Merry said sharply. Carrie squirmed guiltily; he had apparently recovered from his scare and was now _glaring_ at her. She couldn't recall him ever looking so angry… except perhaps with the Uruks, but then he had been angry on her behalf. "What were you _doing_?"

Carrie bit her lip. Their previous reactions to her seeing things in the woods made her less than keen to explain herself.

"You saw it again," Pippin quietly interjected, "didn't you?"

After a few seconds of Carrie looking down at the ground and refusing to make eye contact, Merry sighed impatiently and leaned forward. "I don't know about you, Daisy, but I'm sensing a bit of a pattern. You think you see something in the woods, you chase after it, you get ill, and you fall over. You think you see something in the woods again, you chase after it again, you get ill again, and you fall over again." Merry paused for breath. "Then, just minutes ago, you undoubtedly thought you saw something in the woods yet _again_, went after it, and fell ill _again_, worse than before." Merry shook his head, looking pained. "You were half dead when we got to you, Daisy."

"Even if you don't have any concern for your own health," Pippin said with forced lightness, "I think we'd both appreciate it if you didn't give _us_ heart attacks like that."

Carrie didn't say anything. She was frustrated to an outrageous degree, and on top of that, she was being scolded. Since frustration and scolding were two of the relatively few things that ever made her cry, this was a very bad combination. And since she was fairly certain that a sob was as likely to issue forth as an apology or an explanation, she kept her mouth clamped firmly shut. She was _not_ going to cry in front of these two, damn it. She wasn't crazy, and she had nothing to be sorry for.

Merry shifted. "You don't have anything to say for yourself?"

After a short pause, Carrie managed, "I'd appreciate it if you didn't speak to me like a child."

Merry sat up straight in indignation. Pippin started to lift his hand in a would-be appeasing gesture, but his cousin was too busy glaring at Carrie to notice. "Then stop _acting_ like a child!" he snapped. Carrie clenched her jaw and resumed looking down at the ground.

Pippin looked at Carrie for a moment, then turned to his cousin. "I think we should discuss this later," he said. Merry opened his mouth to object, but Pippin cut him off neatly. "I think we're all tired and upset, and shouting isn't going to do anyone any good." He looked back down at Carrie. "Daisy, regardless of what you see out there, will you just stay here by the fire for the night?"

Although she was still feeling disgruntled, she appreciated that Pippin was doing his best to defuse the situation. "Fine," she said quietly. The Took looked relieved.

"Excellent." He ran a hand over Carrie's hair, then stood up and went to set up his own bedroll. Carrie half expected Merry to do something retaliatory after the hair-touching, but he just continued to look peeved. As she watched them both out of the corner of her eye, she frowned. They were both acting… different. It reminded her of their behavior when Celestina ignored the fic. It was almost _normal_. But the fic was unraveling; it made no sense.

Then, quite suddenly, everything _did_ make sense. The knowledge hit her like a bolt out of the blue. She knew exactly who the hooded figure was. But she didn't feel happiness or relief at the realization.

She was _furious_.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

Randi hummed as she snipped. His hair was actually turning out better than she had anticipated. She left it just long enough to cover his ears, though she didn't personally think that they were as terribly conspicuous as most Suethors made them out to be. And anyway, it wasn't as if people routinely examined the _ears_ of passerby, for Pete's sake. But Randi figured that leaving it longer was safer, since Legolas would undoubtedly _act_ like a freak and as such would be better off with as few physical anomalies as possible.

Legolas heaved a sigh as he looked sideways at the blonde hair on the floor. "Does it… look all right?"

"It looks fine," Randi said, rolling her eyes, "And anyway, it'll grow back. Eventually."

Legolas snorted, but didn't reply. Both parties maintained a relative silence until the haircut had been completed (though Randi occasionally let out small noises of triumph, amusement, or frustration). Finally, the girl stepped back with a pleased grin.

"Done and done."

Before she had said the second 'done,' Legolas had leaped off of the futon and rushed over to the mirror. He peered into the glass in incredulous horror, then reached up to touch his hair, which was now considerably shorter and very slightly layered (Randi had felt ambitious).

"Not half bad," Randi said with approval. Legolas whipped his head around to glare at her.

"Not half bad?" he repeated, gaping at her. "It's all _gone_!"

"Oh, it is not. If it _were_, you'd be bald." Randi surveyed the hair on the carpet and started to pick it up with a lint-roller. "Anyway," she continued briskly, "I didn't ask you to follow me to classes; that was entirely _your_ decision. So don't blame me for wanting to make you look less freakish."

"Hmph," Legolas muttered, turning away from the mirror but still fingering his new 'do unbelievingly.

Randi finished cleaning up and eyed Legolas. "You know, once you put on some real clothing, you might vaguely resemble _normal_." After a slight pause, she continued in a businesslike tone, "I'm going to tell my professors that you're my cousin from England… my very _shy_ cousin. _You_ aren't to say a word."

"But we're not cousins, and I've never heard of this 'England' place," Legolas objected, sitting back down on the futon.

"Well, you're going to _act_ like my cousin," Randi said, narrowing her eyes dangerously. "If you hit on me at all or just generally act like you're in love with me, I'm locking you out of the room; you can fend for yourself."

Disgruntled Legolas took a backseat as Moony Legolas began to reassert himself. "My lady, if you are telling me to act as if I don't worship the very ground upon which your lovely, dainty feet are wont to tread-"

"That is precisely what I'm telling you to do." Randi quickly grabbed Legolas' bow and leveled it at him. "You want to shadow me for a day, you're going to have to agree to some conditions. And 'Absolutely No Making Eyes At Me' is condition number one."

Legolas looked severely put out. "What are the other conditions?"

Randi shrugged. "I haven't thought of those, yet. But I'll have some ideas for you in the morning." She hesitated, shook the bow threateningly at Legolas, then backed over to her bed and plopped down. "I'm going to sleep. Touch me and I'll forking kill you."

Legolas sighed and settled himself on the futon. "I won't come near you, my lady."

"Hmph." Randi wiggled under her comforter and glared suspiciously at the elf. "You better not." She smothered a yawn, then turned off her bedside lamp. Tomorrow was going to either suck, or be a riot. She was betting on the former.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

Carrie sat by the fire, which was beginning to burn down. Pippin and Merry had fallen asleep, but she refused to give in to her own exhaustion. She was waiting for the hooded figure to return; she _wanted_ to see it again. Whenever she thought about it, a fresh wave of fury washed through her. She stared at the edge of the forest, waiting, _daring_ the figure to reappear.

And just as she was beginning to nod with weariness, it did.

For a moment, she thought she might have drifted off and was dreaming. But a hearty pinch convinced her she was awake. There it was, then. But instead of charging after it like she had so many other times, Carrie immediately looked away. It was time to give the hooded stalker a bit of a show.

Deliberately avoiding the figure's gaze, Carrie looked down at the grass and sighed a bit, as if suffering some internal debate. She bit her lower lip, partly to appear anguished and partly to keep from grinning wickedly; then, after a bit of hesitation, she crawled over to where Pippin was sleeping and nudged him.

The hobbit blinked awake, then squinted at her. "Daisy? Is something wrong?" He sat up and rubbed his eyes wearily.

"No, not really." Carrie lifted a shoulder in a half-shrug. "I just wanted to… thank you." She ducked her head slightly in a show of exaggerated modesty, glancing surreptitiously to see if the figure was still watching. It was. Satisfied on that count, she glanced back at Pippin. He was looking at her in sleepy bewilderment.

"Thank me for what?" He smothered a yawn.

__

Good question. She hadn't thought this far ahead. "Well," Carrie said carefully, "for defending me earlier." She smiled sheepishly at him. "You shouldn't have; I was being a spaz. I _deserved_ to be scolded."

"Don't be ridiculous," Pippin said, shaking his head. "I don't… I won't pretend to know what's been going on, Daisy. But I don't think you would lie about seeing things just to be obnoxious."

"Well, even so," Carrie smiled gently, "it was very sweet of you." Much to her satisfaction, Pippin flushed and hastily looked away.

"It's no trouble," he stammered at the ground.

"I just wanted you to know," Carrie said, scooting a bit closer to him, "how much I appreciated it. You've been so understanding… I really don't know what I'd do if you weren't around."

By this point, Pippin was beet red and avoiding Carrie's gaze with a sort of bashful determination. He opened his mouth as if to defend his mediocrity, but shut it quickly when no sound issued forth. Instead, he continued staring at the grass with intense absorption.

Carrie didn't have to check to be certain the figure was still watching the show. She scooted a little bit closer and raised her eyebrows slightly. "Pippin."

He slowly looked up with a desperate, reluctant hope that almost made her regret deceiving him… but she comforted herself with the mental assertion that this was all really one big deception that she was bringing to an end. She was ready - _more_ than ready - to go home.

So, before she could change her mind or chicken out, she leaned forward and kissed him.

OoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoOoO

Bwahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaa! (kicks feet delightedly)

Hey you guys… think we can make it to 1,000 reviews? (puppy dog eyes) Because that would be spectacular!

Many thanks for the reviews last chapter! They really do inspire me. Hooded stalkers for everyone, and cookies for those of you who have guessed who it is by now!

Platy


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